monday morning, and i'm feeling the monday blues.
i've had absolutely no rest all weekend. i slept late on friday, woke up early saturaday, did a lot of roaming around (and stood by for a few hours as my sisters shopped). then i had dinner, and chatted with my three sisters (not to forget my only married sisters husband), and then i kept doing nothing until i finally slept at three, only to wake up at 5:30. all of sunday, i was getting drenched in the rain, and again i did not sleep until midnight. and today, i wake up at 5 to get to college, and i still get late by forty minutes (thankfully the teacher was kind).
and then comes english class!
suddenly i am more awake, more refreshed than i have any right to be. today's class, was something that i've decided to call 'formal Job Interviews for honest, sincere dummies.'
as the title suggests, the topic was regarding Job Interviews. more importantly, it was our teachers attempt to prepare us, for job interviews, by telling us how to convince the interviewer that we are the best liar around, and hence more worthy of the job.
and the method of conducting the class, was by telling us the FAQ's in job interviews, and telling us what are acceptable answers.
if you remember, i had been thrown out last time, and ma'am was not in any mood to relent today either, which was why i was extra cautious, and hence, i didnt give any bright responses. however, i shall tell you what all went through my mind as i listened to the lecture.
as a sample,
Q.Tell us two of your strengths.
the teachers response-
for this question, they do not need to know that you are good at playing a violin, or binge eating. what they need to know are two of your strengths that are valuable in the office, such as things like hard-work, or the ability to get work done on time, or such things. things like these are the things you need to tell them.
my mind-
so basically, everyone should tell them that they are hard-working, punctual, dedicated, sincere, machines, whose sole aim in life is to do your work for you. wow. do i really need such a job?
Q.Tell us about your weaknesses.
the teachers answer-
as humans, we are all prone to weaknesses, such as emotionality, attachment, and so on and so forth. however, the interviewer does not need to know what your true weaknesses are. instead, you should advertise one of your strengths as a weakness. so you can say that sometimes i drive my colleagues too hard, and overwork them, only because i love to do as much work as possible.
my mind-
yes ma'am, when we told them our strengths, we established that we are inhuman robots, who do not suffer from the malady of weakness. why dont we just tell them now that we have no weakness, and we are unlikely to develop any in the future. while we are at it, we could also tell them that we are not humans, but actually machines, constructed by the genius of our college, not to mention our English teacher. we could just tell them that we are robots. if they believe all the other BS we come up with, then it isnt too much of a stretch of imagination to believe that we are in fact a robot.
Q.Where do you see yourself five years from now?
her answer-
some of the common mistakes made by people include giving answers like, 'As the CEO of this firm', or 'As your boss.', or if the candidate is less ambitious, 'In your chair.' kindly avoid these answers, they are over-ambitious & inappropriate. instead, give realistic, appropriate answers, like, 'As a team leader for a JAVA project at your firm.', or maybe, 'As an MBA, in the Marketing Dept of your firm'. things like that are good answers.
my mind- well i agree with you on one thing ma'am, in your chair is a bad answer. i mean what sort of company is this, if the only good career aim there is to grab a chair? if it was a decent firm, they'd buy more chairs.
however, i dont see how over-ambitiousness is a problem, as long as the boss himself is over-ambitious. besides, if i take up a job, why would i settle for being just a team leader ever?
Q.What motivates you?
her answer-
avoid emotional, passionate answers about how your family motivates you, or money motivates you, or the need to make a difference motivates you. the company doesnt want to employ you if you're interested in the environment and greenpeace. a good answer would be, 'challenging tasks motivate me', or 'a bright career, with ample opportunity to progress is the source of my motivation.'
my response-
thank you ma'am for informing me that no one wants to hire a person who wants to clean up the environment, or for that matter, the world. i'm gladdened to know that if you interview me, i shall never get a job. and, i wonder, is the interviewer a dumb fool? does he not know anything about how interviewees will never be honest? isnt he already expecting you to say such BS? why would he ever employ me, if i insult his intelligence?
Q.How well do you handle criticism?
her answer-
tell them that you always take criticism positively. in fact you appreciate criticism as it gives you a chance to improve.
my mind-
Since we have already established that we are robots, i think it makes no difference if we also establish that we are the perfect robot to hire, since you can insult us, criticize us, and do whatever you like, without us raising an eye-brow.
we might as well sum up the whole interview by saying, 'I am Microsoft Office Help version zzz.zzz, and i am humble, i am meek, i can tolerate all bull shit, and do all your work. hire us, so that you can rest easy knowing that we are doing your work for you.'
Q.How do you work under pressure?
her suggestion-
obviously you cannot tell them that you cant handle pressure, or you get irritable if the chips are down.
so tell them that your performance improves in pressure situations, and you work even more efficiently.
my brain-
add 'I improve efficiency and performance, if you give me impossible jobs.' to the advertisement for 'MS Office Help version zzz.zzz.
also, i think i was smiling at this time, which she saw, because she asked me, 'You're still laughing. is everything alright?'
i wanted to say, 'Apart from the fact that i'm paying a college over 2 lakh bucks to teach me how to lie, nothing else at all.' but i think i kept quite.
Q. Tell us five words that describe you.
her idea-
say things like punctual, smart-working, money-wise, passionate, team-worker, calm, responsible, rational, pro-active, fun-loving etc. do not say things like funny, witty, etc.
my idea- scratch the old ad, make a new one, with another line about how i'm all of this and more.
also ma'am, as far as i'm aware, money-wise should be two words. conjugating two words with a hyphen, is only an excuse to sound less verbose than one really is!
Q.Why should we hire you and not the others?
my answer as soon as she asked this, and yes i gave it out loud-
Because i'm a lying, stinking, desperate, jobless pig of an engineer, who needs a job. i am not just a cheat, but also darned selfish, and so you should hire me, and not the others. isnt that what you were expecting, and building it up for all this while?
she only told me that this wouldnt help me get a job,though she did appreciate the joke. also she advised us to give the usual piece of crap about how we are good, and others are bad etc!
Q.What are your career goals?
this one, was again the same advise as where you see yourself five years from now. however since i was encouraged by her appreciation of the joke, i was confident enough to hazard a suggestion- 'to earn big for five years, and retire to write at the age of thirty, or sooner if possible.' of course i gave an inquisitive tone to the statement, so that she could answer instead of getting upset. she told me that it was a better answer than many others.
Q.Are you open to relocation?
apparently, the company isnt asking us this question so much as telling us that it shall relocate us as soon as possible, and so we better be prepared. because the teacher (who's name i shall refrain from telling you), said that the only way to answer this was 'yes', and a prayer that they dont keep us to our word.
Ah! what an unfortunately dishonest world we live in, where we must give a hundred lies to get one job!
Q.How do your colleagues describe you?
the teacher gave us a task for this one. instead of telling us how to answer the question, she sent us all out of the class, one by one, and asked everyone to describe the bugger who was outside.
it was a fun activity, in which we found out just how much miss x, loves her best friend miss z, and how much master c respects master m.
when it was my turn to go outside the class, i definitely cheated, and overhearing what they said. i was gladdened to find out that my classmates think that i am charismatic, opinionated, funny, witty, charming, bold, daring and that i had a great personality. nay it was flattering!
as i said to the teacher later, after the class was over, it was a mercy that the interviewer was asking me the question, and not the rest of the class (basically that the question was being asked to the interviewee, and not his classmates). because when it was me telling someone else what others think of me, i can lie, and i can tell them just how great i am, irrespective of whatever they feel.
of course i dont need to worry, i am after all a great guy ;)
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