and yes, i hope to understand these things someday....
1) the writings of philip pullman- having got away with calling the entire system of the church an attempt at dominating the world in his 'His Dark Materials' trilogy, he then proceeded to write a book called-'the good man jesus, the scoundrel christ'. just what is he trying to prove? that he isnt afraid of the church, the pope etc? or that he does not know the difference between good risks and bad risks? agreed that he does make a point with the things he has written, but just how many people would agree with the point ever? that taken along with the risk of writing what i'm sure is after a fashion a 'heretical' text, makes me wonder, did he really achieve anything? i sure hope he did!
oh and there are parts of the 'his dark materials' trilogy that i dont understand either, but what can i do? maybe i just am ignorant!
2) why advertisements work-
most people know, that the simple theory on which advertisements rely upon is LYING. at least half the facts stated in the advertisements, are either false, partly false, or exaggerated... and in some cases, the ads are purely false. and most sensible people know this. yet miraculously, adverts work!! amazing!! its almost as if people want to be cheated and lied to.
3) the music score of the inception movie-
have you seen the movie? have you heard all the sounds, and the effects? do i need to ask if you understood them all?? while we're on the subject, i also did not understand how i was supposed to interpret the movie. there are a good three or four possible interpretations of the story, and i have no idea which to go with!
4) the human ability to insult their own intelligence-
take for example the insult we sometimes give to people- 'I'd insult you, but you wouldnt get the references'. agreed that this is an insult to the other persons awareness, but think about it this way. you're a smart person, who understands everything. then why the hell would you ever consider insulting someone, when you know he or she wouldnt get the references. isnt the whole point of insulting someone supposed to be that they understand it, and feel humiliated? that said, why would you want to even consider an insult they do not understand?
its only sheer coincidence that the other person does get insulted this way. but the bigger insult is on your own sanity.
5) the female ability to say something pleasant, and yet make you feel like you just did something stupid-
take for example, my mother- i tell her, that i just did well in so and so thing, so she says,'i'm your mother, i know.', and she says it in such a manner, that i'm forced to wonder, if she meant something like- i know, you did that great, but what next? i miss the pride though... ignorant me!
take again for example this recent text from niki- 'i'm sorry, you might not like this, but i had to say it. i so wanna hug you.' this was by the way in reference to a favour i did to her, and so she was really pleased and all. however, look at they way she says it, 'sorry, you might not like this'. as soon as i read those words, i'm wondering,' OH SHIT! what did i do wrong? i thought i had done that thing she asked me to do, so what the hell is this about?!?!' and then i read the next part -'i so wanna hug you.' and i'm like wow, she wants to hug me for whatever? well thts nice then, but why would i not like that?
what can i say? the female brain wasnt meant for me to understand! too bad!
though, i do say that one of these days, i'll tell you exactly what all reasons are prevalent in making women tougher to read than an enigma!
if anyone got answers to these things, do try your luck explaining.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Saturday, September 25, 2010
so who did ruin the common wealth games 2010?
in recent times, the CWG2010 has been in the news nearly all the time, and for nearly all the wrong reasons. from the lack of preparation of India to host them, to the lack of hygiene of indians in general (At least according to someone who i refuse to name, though i'd like to ask him to talk for himself and not the rest of india. just because he likes to go to a washroom that the dog uses, does not mean that that is our standard), everything has been under intense scrutiny from media all over the world.
amongst all this talk, s few websites that dont see much of traffic, have started surveys such as-
1)should india be hosting the CWG?
2)is india prepared to host the CWG?
3)can india host the CWG?
4)will the games be a success?
5)who does the fault lie with, if the games are not a success?
5)who does the fault lie with, if the games are not a success?
6)does india have a sense of hygiene? (yes, this exists, though i cant seem to recall where. look for it)
some of these questions got me thinking (ESP 5, which is hence what i shall be talking about).
before i do that though, i hope you realize that its only my innate indianness, which causes me to take the question on the blame game. its an important part of the indian social life, to be a good player off the blame game. its also the most often used weapon in the political structure, as is evident in the remarks of the various dept's saying things like 'we were not the only one's responsible', and 'this mishap happened due to the work that that dept did here' etc.
everyone thrives on handing out blame, and so i shall do the same, by answering their question on who the blame lies with.
and so, for the wasily bored, here is the short answer- it lies with the el nino and the la nina.
go figure out what that answer is all about, you neednt look at the long answer.
and, for the dummies, for whom i could write a separate blog altogether, the blame lies with the rainfall that we have been receiving in north india abundantly for the past one and a half months.
and now the long answer. (here goes)
the blame, if god forbid the commonwealth games do not succeed, lies with the rainfall. ur probably wondering how that is?
lets look at the various problems faced by the commonwealth games-
1)bad roads- most of the roads in delhi, were pretty decent before the rain fall, and only required a little bit in the name of repairs, such as the odd pothole here or there, and the rare lack of proper roads in some places. most roads, could have been repaired in time for the games, but for the rain.
2)various diseases like dengue, malaria, typhoid etc-
none of these diseases would be of any relevance if it didnt rain so much. of course, despite the rain, if we had finished the work for the games earlier, there wouldnt be any random spots where water could collect, and provide a breeding ground for the mosquitoes. but that, as any true indian will testify, is not the way things happen around here. most things happen only at the last minute, and some even after the last minute. hence it is unsurprising that the work was unfinished in time. which puts it all on the rain. the rain gods should have considered the indian inability to work on time.
3)incomplete work-
i ask you to consider the impossibility of working in the rain. when its raining, no work can be done. the time of july, august and september had been set aside by laborers, as the time for the last minute work. but when it rained, the the work couldnt be done. if it hadnt rained of course, everything would have been ready for the games.
4)falling tiles, ceilings, and bridges-
in india, we have an impartial system. everyone from the contractors to the politicians has a cut in money given for a job. this means, that everyone takes their share in the pie. this leaves precious little as you can guess, for the actual work to be done. as a consequence, we have to settle for absurd quality materials for the work. hence, everything is in a weak state as it is. add to that the ability of the bad materials to get worse with rain, and we got ourselves a easy way to make tiles, roofs, or for thta matter bridges collapse. basic thing is, as soon as the first drop fell, the tile was destined to fall.
well these are a few of the problems, and if you can think of more, i'll surely tell you how they are to be blamed on the rain.
end of day, the fault lies purely with the rain
not with corrupt politicians, idiotic bureaucrats, etc. the fault is purely of the rain.
i could have perhaps named a few politicians, or some other people, who are in some little way at fault, but as i said in a previous post, i do not want to die. if i named them, who knows how they might react. another good thing about being in india, the people who take an offense to something someone says, have a habit of making something bad happen to you.
hence, i refrain from saying anything about these people...
PS:as they say, when it rains here, it pours eh?
PPS:
regarding the chap who mentioned hygiene issues. i must say one thing, he unwittingly made a point. ie: them and us, have differing standards of hygiene. we, have a bath everyday, with soap, while they have a shower every couple of days, at least during the time the british had ruled us. also, we do not use toilet paper, but water (if you get what i mean). i wonder who has better standards of hygiene.
on this note, ciao.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Fate, Destiny, or sheer idiocy?
i have often heard mention of fate. it is such an interesting concept, that it was even made a full-fledged character in a famous book about an IITians love story (anything for you ma'am)... and just as often i have heard of destiny, and how different the two are from each other, and whether there is indeed a difference or not.
to clear up matters, i suppose i ought to define the two terms..
FATE is when you go smoke a cigarette in your room, and forget to switch on the exhaust, hence getting caught by your dad.
DESTINY on the other hand, is when you smoke your cigarette in a pub at the other end of town, and your dad inexplicably chooses that time to take a restroom break in the pub on his way back from office.
with fate, you had control of events, but due to your own stupidity, you got caught, were punished, etc. with destiny, you had no control of events, and so it is really not your fault you got caught.
or in other words, your fate is in your own hands, while your destiny is supposed to be pre-determined.
of course it could be argued that if there is such a thing as a man's destiny, then there must be a being that determines. it could also be argued that this being is not the right sort of being, or that the kind of power granted to him is too much for one being or... well the list of arguments goes on, and frankly, if you seek a complete list of possible answers, i suggest you go seek a theologian, or even a religious man, or for that matter, you could start praying to this GOD guy, and then if he does reply, you could start all these arguments with him, and perhaps start your own religion with the answers.
but the simple thing is, that if there is someone who writes your destiny, there is little you can do about it, or to change it.
of course if you were lucky, then that being might be corrupt, gullible, foolish or ridiculous, or in other ways likely to fall for whatever bull shit you can come up with,
but as you know, that goes against the entire argument of GODhood, and hence is to not be considered.
getting back, if there is someone who writes your destiny, then boy, you better start praying, and hope it works, coz there is little you can do.
of course, you could tell the so called GOD being to go to wherever he wants to, ignore him altogether, and pretend that its in your control.
not likely to help much, but well...
alternately, you can believe that there is no such thing as a destiny, but rather a fate, which is again pre-determined, but by your own actions, and hence, it is in your own hands. you can then blame it all on yourself, instead of mucking about with Gods and fancy authors who seek to write your life.
but this would lead to its own set of problems. for example, you shall not be able to blame it on destiny if you fail your exams. you wont be able to blame it on destiny if you do not get a job, and so on. in fact, you will have to accept that it was all in your hands, and that you made a big time mistake. there shall instantly be accountability, and there shall be no blame game, and so you shall have to deal with acceptance, another bad concept for the weak of heart.
in the long run though, it wont make any great difference what you call it.
in the end you shall still fail, you shall still be jobless, and you shall probably still wondering whether it was your fate, or your destiny, or what!
and of course, there is the third possibility. you could call it all folly, go have a good time, and not worry about what it is all about! then, you could spend a lot of time doing whatever pleases you, without having to worry whether you were fated to or destined to.
of course, even this doesnt work in the long run, or theologians would never survive.
in fact, there is little that could work in the long run, and for more details, i sometimes practice classes in theology, religion, and beliefs, specializing in the arcane beliefs of mankind, and hence am capable of answering you. to find answers, visit me, i charge very little, and i assure you the answer shall help.
ps:now dont ask if it is fate, or destiny that you visit me. it just is, and it dont matter what it is!
PPS: i am really not getting anything right today, so i can assure you that i know this made little sense, and was hence totally random, probably had a few incorrect facts, etc. i also know that this was whatever you are currently thinking it is, and i do assure you that next time i shall not fail to dazzle.
until then, so long!
to clear up matters, i suppose i ought to define the two terms..
FATE is when you go smoke a cigarette in your room, and forget to switch on the exhaust, hence getting caught by your dad.
DESTINY on the other hand, is when you smoke your cigarette in a pub at the other end of town, and your dad inexplicably chooses that time to take a restroom break in the pub on his way back from office.
with fate, you had control of events, but due to your own stupidity, you got caught, were punished, etc. with destiny, you had no control of events, and so it is really not your fault you got caught.
or in other words, your fate is in your own hands, while your destiny is supposed to be pre-determined.
of course it could be argued that if there is such a thing as a man's destiny, then there must be a being that determines. it could also be argued that this being is not the right sort of being, or that the kind of power granted to him is too much for one being or... well the list of arguments goes on, and frankly, if you seek a complete list of possible answers, i suggest you go seek a theologian, or even a religious man, or for that matter, you could start praying to this GOD guy, and then if he does reply, you could start all these arguments with him, and perhaps start your own religion with the answers.
but the simple thing is, that if there is someone who writes your destiny, there is little you can do about it, or to change it.
of course if you were lucky, then that being might be corrupt, gullible, foolish or ridiculous, or in other ways likely to fall for whatever bull shit you can come up with,
but as you know, that goes against the entire argument of GODhood, and hence is to not be considered.
getting back, if there is someone who writes your destiny, then boy, you better start praying, and hope it works, coz there is little you can do.
of course, you could tell the so called GOD being to go to wherever he wants to, ignore him altogether, and pretend that its in your control.
not likely to help much, but well...
alternately, you can believe that there is no such thing as a destiny, but rather a fate, which is again pre-determined, but by your own actions, and hence, it is in your own hands. you can then blame it all on yourself, instead of mucking about with Gods and fancy authors who seek to write your life.
but this would lead to its own set of problems. for example, you shall not be able to blame it on destiny if you fail your exams. you wont be able to blame it on destiny if you do not get a job, and so on. in fact, you will have to accept that it was all in your hands, and that you made a big time mistake. there shall instantly be accountability, and there shall be no blame game, and so you shall have to deal with acceptance, another bad concept for the weak of heart.
in the long run though, it wont make any great difference what you call it.
in the end you shall still fail, you shall still be jobless, and you shall probably still wondering whether it was your fate, or your destiny, or what!
and of course, there is the third possibility. you could call it all folly, go have a good time, and not worry about what it is all about! then, you could spend a lot of time doing whatever pleases you, without having to worry whether you were fated to or destined to.
of course, even this doesnt work in the long run, or theologians would never survive.
in fact, there is little that could work in the long run, and for more details, i sometimes practice classes in theology, religion, and beliefs, specializing in the arcane beliefs of mankind, and hence am capable of answering you. to find answers, visit me, i charge very little, and i assure you the answer shall help.
ps:now dont ask if it is fate, or destiny that you visit me. it just is, and it dont matter what it is!
PPS: i am really not getting anything right today, so i can assure you that i know this made little sense, and was hence totally random, probably had a few incorrect facts, etc. i also know that this was whatever you are currently thinking it is, and i do assure you that next time i shall not fail to dazzle.
until then, so long!
honour killings
before any extremist person who is in jail for killing their family members for some or the other reason gets offended, i'd like to mention that i agree with them. they were absolutely right to kill their offspring, because they caught their offspring in compromising positions, etc etc. the only reason i agree though, is that i .....
well......
i dont wanna die....
i mean if they killed their own daughter because she opposed them, here i am not just opposing them, but criticizing them, and insulting them and calling them idiots. i doubt they could accept that, and unfortunately, i do not even have the protection of being a family member! and so, because i wish to live, i shall not criticize them or their actions, but agree with them.
yes sirs and ma'ams, i agree with you people in the back of the jail, who are in there, because of something dubbed honour killings.
and i agree with you people so much, that i shall spread your message in the hope of getting it across to the right people, so that it gets the right kind of message out about you social heroes.
and so, i'll begin by describing for the unaware, the various reasons people are likely to commit an honor killing.
1)the family name was being dishonored by the childs/parents (yes, i recently read a case about a girl killing her mom for the name of honor. it happens) dishonorable activities. and so to protect the family name they killed their own son/daughter/mom/dad/brother/sister/ well you get the general idea. the fact that the rest of the civilized world now hates the killer, and hence his family name even more, is purely co-incidental, and hence inconsequential.
2)the family name would be dishonored, if your shenanigans ever became public, which they will pretty soon, judging by what you were caught doing. hence to prevent such a situation, they shall erase the evidence. obviously, they are incompetent, so they shall get caught and go to jail etc for this, but that is merely a side-loss.
3)it is against our culture to allow the activities you engage in, hence to get rid of the mess, you shall be terminated. that our culture also prohibits crimes such as murder, fails to catch anyones attention.
4)it is against our moral values to act the way you do, so they shall kill you, and give the world better morals. the fact that those same moral values should under no circumstances involve cold-blooded murder is again inconsequential.
5)you are fraternizing with the enemy (religious/political/social/etc. you get the idea), and they disapprove, so bye bye.
as you can see, most of these reasons, are purely selfless, and based on the hope of leaving a better world. afterall, why should a child born out of wedlock be allowed to live? he and his parents are bad for the rest of the world and they provide a bad example for society. and how can someone against our culture and our god be allowed to live? such people are useless buggers and again bad for the society.
i wonder, how can these people who commit such crimes, these warriors of society be criminals, when they actually deserve medals for their actions on behalf of society!
also i'd take a moment to explore why i find these reasons enough, and what exactly the people who got killed did to merit such a punishment.
1) the person who was killed, was in love with someone of a lower caste/same gotra/untouchable/different religion/etc. this is the most frequent given reason, and while one of them can still be justified in terms of pure science, the same reason which justifies that also makes the others look like lucrative schemes. the reason is simple.
people of the same gotra share same ancestors, upto atleast two generations up, due to which they have a large, common gene pool, which can lead to in-breeding and spread of a number of genetic diseases. however due to this same reason, it suddenly becomes a great idea to marry in as different a caste/creed/country as you can manage, to bring in a new addition to the gene pool!
2) the person who was killed, was indulging in activities that were dishonoring the family name, such as homosexuality/bisexuality/change in religion etc. these people, were not just dishonoring the family name, they were destroying society and their religion, and were hence deserving of their fate. homosexuality for example, is technically a social crime, and is totally a disease as some respected (i dont know about learned though) men have called it. and as any other disease, it should be eradicated.
change of religion, is a crime against god, and an ultimate example of betrayal, and hence deserves death.
and so on and so forth, the mistakes of people go.
amazingly though, it is known as fact, that
1)there are more people on jail for committing crimes related to honor killing, than there are people who were homosexual.
2)more people are in jail for killing family members, than those who switched their religion from one to the other.
3)more people are in jail for killing their own offspring than are for crimes of love and passion.
4)more homosexuals have contributed to the development of society than murderers
5)more people who switch religion are now promoting peace between their religions, both old and new than people who killed their offspring for such purposes.
6)love, in any form has contributed more to society than hatred and murder.
so the question arises, did the honour killers really do society a service?
did they really do anything great as they shall proclaim onto their death-day?
did they really take out the filth from the world, or actually add to the filth?
of course, as i said, in some cases, such as same gotra marriages, the reasons for disapproving are not at all baseless, but do they in fact justify killing?
is killing, murder, and hatred the only answer to such activities? can there not be a better solution to this shit?
in short, can they all not try to make the world a better place?
you know what, while i do agree with honor killers (after all, i still want to live. if osama put a gun to my head, i guess i'd even consider becoming a jehadi!), but i do think that they have got it all wrong, and they are the ones who should be taught, and given a better education, and for that matter some better sense.
but then, these people who commit honor killings might just be the creations of a deranged mind, so who am i to criticize them?!
ah! chuck it!
damn i do tend to ramble on and on and on!!!
oh crap i guess i need to try to rein myself in!!!!!!
NO WAY! i am unrestrained, and whatever!!!!
ps:-screw you honor killers, go ahead kill me, i hate you, i think you are idiots, you took the life of your own family, you are worse than a butcher, and you deserve death, and worse!
go ahead do whatever you want to to me!!!!!
well......
i dont wanna die....
i mean if they killed their own daughter because she opposed them, here i am not just opposing them, but criticizing them, and insulting them and calling them idiots. i doubt they could accept that, and unfortunately, i do not even have the protection of being a family member! and so, because i wish to live, i shall not criticize them or their actions, but agree with them.
yes sirs and ma'ams, i agree with you people in the back of the jail, who are in there, because of something dubbed honour killings.
and i agree with you people so much, that i shall spread your message in the hope of getting it across to the right people, so that it gets the right kind of message out about you social heroes.
and so, i'll begin by describing for the unaware, the various reasons people are likely to commit an honor killing.
1)the family name was being dishonored by the childs/parents (yes, i recently read a case about a girl killing her mom for the name of honor. it happens) dishonorable activities. and so to protect the family name they killed their own son/daughter/mom/dad/brother/sister/ well you get the general idea. the fact that the rest of the civilized world now hates the killer, and hence his family name even more, is purely co-incidental, and hence inconsequential.
2)the family name would be dishonored, if your shenanigans ever became public, which they will pretty soon, judging by what you were caught doing. hence to prevent such a situation, they shall erase the evidence. obviously, they are incompetent, so they shall get caught and go to jail etc for this, but that is merely a side-loss.
3)it is against our culture to allow the activities you engage in, hence to get rid of the mess, you shall be terminated. that our culture also prohibits crimes such as murder, fails to catch anyones attention.
4)it is against our moral values to act the way you do, so they shall kill you, and give the world better morals. the fact that those same moral values should under no circumstances involve cold-blooded murder is again inconsequential.
5)you are fraternizing with the enemy (religious/political/social/etc. you get the idea), and they disapprove, so bye bye.
as you can see, most of these reasons, are purely selfless, and based on the hope of leaving a better world. afterall, why should a child born out of wedlock be allowed to live? he and his parents are bad for the rest of the world and they provide a bad example for society. and how can someone against our culture and our god be allowed to live? such people are useless buggers and again bad for the society.
i wonder, how can these people who commit such crimes, these warriors of society be criminals, when they actually deserve medals for their actions on behalf of society!
also i'd take a moment to explore why i find these reasons enough, and what exactly the people who got killed did to merit such a punishment.
1) the person who was killed, was in love with someone of a lower caste/same gotra/untouchable/different religion/etc. this is the most frequent given reason, and while one of them can still be justified in terms of pure science, the same reason which justifies that also makes the others look like lucrative schemes. the reason is simple.
people of the same gotra share same ancestors, upto atleast two generations up, due to which they have a large, common gene pool, which can lead to in-breeding and spread of a number of genetic diseases. however due to this same reason, it suddenly becomes a great idea to marry in as different a caste/creed/country as you can manage, to bring in a new addition to the gene pool!
2) the person who was killed, was indulging in activities that were dishonoring the family name, such as homosexuality/bisexuality/change in religion etc. these people, were not just dishonoring the family name, they were destroying society and their religion, and were hence deserving of their fate. homosexuality for example, is technically a social crime, and is totally a disease as some respected (i dont know about learned though) men have called it. and as any other disease, it should be eradicated.
change of religion, is a crime against god, and an ultimate example of betrayal, and hence deserves death.
and so on and so forth, the mistakes of people go.
amazingly though, it is known as fact, that
1)there are more people on jail for committing crimes related to honor killing, than there are people who were homosexual.
2)more people are in jail for killing family members, than those who switched their religion from one to the other.
3)more people are in jail for killing their own offspring than are for crimes of love and passion.
4)more homosexuals have contributed to the development of society than murderers
5)more people who switch religion are now promoting peace between their religions, both old and new than people who killed their offspring for such purposes.
6)love, in any form has contributed more to society than hatred and murder.
so the question arises, did the honour killers really do society a service?
did they really do anything great as they shall proclaim onto their death-day?
did they really take out the filth from the world, or actually add to the filth?
of course, as i said, in some cases, such as same gotra marriages, the reasons for disapproving are not at all baseless, but do they in fact justify killing?
is killing, murder, and hatred the only answer to such activities? can there not be a better solution to this shit?
in short, can they all not try to make the world a better place?
you know what, while i do agree with honor killers (after all, i still want to live. if osama put a gun to my head, i guess i'd even consider becoming a jehadi!), but i do think that they have got it all wrong, and they are the ones who should be taught, and given a better education, and for that matter some better sense.
but then, these people who commit honor killings might just be the creations of a deranged mind, so who am i to criticize them?!
ah! chuck it!
damn i do tend to ramble on and on and on!!!
oh crap i guess i need to try to rein myself in!!!!!!
NO WAY! i am unrestrained, and whatever!!!!
ps:-screw you honor killers, go ahead kill me, i hate you, i think you are idiots, you took the life of your own family, you are worse than a butcher, and you deserve death, and worse!
go ahead do whatever you want to to me!!!!!
Monday, September 20, 2010
of English classes (PART II)
monday morning, and i'm feeling the monday blues.
i've had absolutely no rest all weekend. i slept late on friday, woke up early saturaday, did a lot of roaming around (and stood by for a few hours as my sisters shopped). then i had dinner, and chatted with my three sisters (not to forget my only married sisters husband), and then i kept doing nothing until i finally slept at three, only to wake up at 5:30. all of sunday, i was getting drenched in the rain, and again i did not sleep until midnight. and today, i wake up at 5 to get to college, and i still get late by forty minutes (thankfully the teacher was kind).
and then comes english class!
suddenly i am more awake, more refreshed than i have any right to be. today's class, was something that i've decided to call 'formal Job Interviews for honest, sincere dummies.'
as the title suggests, the topic was regarding Job Interviews. more importantly, it was our teachers attempt to prepare us, for job interviews, by telling us how to convince the interviewer that we are the best liar around, and hence more worthy of the job.
and the method of conducting the class, was by telling us the FAQ's in job interviews, and telling us what are acceptable answers.
if you remember, i had been thrown out last time, and ma'am was not in any mood to relent today either, which was why i was extra cautious, and hence, i didnt give any bright responses. however, i shall tell you what all went through my mind as i listened to the lecture.
as a sample,
Q.Tell us two of your strengths.
the teachers response-
for this question, they do not need to know that you are good at playing a violin, or binge eating. what they need to know are two of your strengths that are valuable in the office, such as things like hard-work, or the ability to get work done on time, or such things. things like these are the things you need to tell them.
my mind-
so basically, everyone should tell them that they are hard-working, punctual, dedicated, sincere, machines, whose sole aim in life is to do your work for you. wow. do i really need such a job?
Q.Tell us about your weaknesses.
the teachers answer-
as humans, we are all prone to weaknesses, such as emotionality, attachment, and so on and so forth. however, the interviewer does not need to know what your true weaknesses are. instead, you should advertise one of your strengths as a weakness. so you can say that sometimes i drive my colleagues too hard, and overwork them, only because i love to do as much work as possible.
my mind-
yes ma'am, when we told them our strengths, we established that we are inhuman robots, who do not suffer from the malady of weakness. why dont we just tell them now that we have no weakness, and we are unlikely to develop any in the future. while we are at it, we could also tell them that we are not humans, but actually machines, constructed by the genius of our college, not to mention our English teacher. we could just tell them that we are robots. if they believe all the other BS we come up with, then it isnt too much of a stretch of imagination to believe that we are in fact a robot.
Q.Where do you see yourself five years from now?
her answer-
some of the common mistakes made by people include giving answers like, 'As the CEO of this firm', or 'As your boss.', or if the candidate is less ambitious, 'In your chair.' kindly avoid these answers, they are over-ambitious & inappropriate. instead, give realistic, appropriate answers, like, 'As a team leader for a JAVA project at your firm.', or maybe, 'As an MBA, in the Marketing Dept of your firm'. things like that are good answers.
my mind- well i agree with you on one thing ma'am, in your chair is a bad answer. i mean what sort of company is this, if the only good career aim there is to grab a chair? if it was a decent firm, they'd buy more chairs.
however, i dont see how over-ambitiousness is a problem, as long as the boss himself is over-ambitious. besides, if i take up a job, why would i settle for being just a team leader ever?
Q.What motivates you?
her answer-
avoid emotional, passionate answers about how your family motivates you, or money motivates you, or the need to make a difference motivates you. the company doesnt want to employ you if you're interested in the environment and greenpeace. a good answer would be, 'challenging tasks motivate me', or 'a bright career, with ample opportunity to progress is the source of my motivation.'
my response-
thank you ma'am for informing me that no one wants to hire a person who wants to clean up the environment, or for that matter, the world. i'm gladdened to know that if you interview me, i shall never get a job. and, i wonder, is the interviewer a dumb fool? does he not know anything about how interviewees will never be honest? isnt he already expecting you to say such BS? why would he ever employ me, if i insult his intelligence?
Q.How well do you handle criticism?
her answer-
tell them that you always take criticism positively. in fact you appreciate criticism as it gives you a chance to improve.
my mind-
Since we have already established that we are robots, i think it makes no difference if we also establish that we are the perfect robot to hire, since you can insult us, criticize us, and do whatever you like, without us raising an eye-brow.
we might as well sum up the whole interview by saying, 'I am Microsoft Office Help version zzz.zzz, and i am humble, i am meek, i can tolerate all bull shit, and do all your work. hire us, so that you can rest easy knowing that we are doing your work for you.'
Q.How do you work under pressure?
her suggestion-
obviously you cannot tell them that you cant handle pressure, or you get irritable if the chips are down.
so tell them that your performance improves in pressure situations, and you work even more efficiently.
my brain-
add 'I improve efficiency and performance, if you give me impossible jobs.' to the advertisement for 'MS Office Help version zzz.zzz.
also, i think i was smiling at this time, which she saw, because she asked me, 'You're still laughing. is everything alright?'
i wanted to say, 'Apart from the fact that i'm paying a college over 2 lakh bucks to teach me how to lie, nothing else at all.' but i think i kept quite.
Q. Tell us five words that describe you.
her idea-
say things like punctual, smart-working, money-wise, passionate, team-worker, calm, responsible, rational, pro-active, fun-loving etc. do not say things like funny, witty, etc.
my idea- scratch the old ad, make a new one, with another line about how i'm all of this and more.
also ma'am, as far as i'm aware, money-wise should be two words. conjugating two words with a hyphen, is only an excuse to sound less verbose than one really is!
Q.Why should we hire you and not the others?
my answer as soon as she asked this, and yes i gave it out loud-
Because i'm a lying, stinking, desperate, jobless pig of an engineer, who needs a job. i am not just a cheat, but also darned selfish, and so you should hire me, and not the others. isnt that what you were expecting, and building it up for all this while?
she only told me that this wouldnt help me get a job,though she did appreciate the joke. also she advised us to give the usual piece of crap about how we are good, and others are bad etc!
Q.What are your career goals?
this one, was again the same advise as where you see yourself five years from now. however since i was encouraged by her appreciation of the joke, i was confident enough to hazard a suggestion- 'to earn big for five years, and retire to write at the age of thirty, or sooner if possible.' of course i gave an inquisitive tone to the statement, so that she could answer instead of getting upset. she told me that it was a better answer than many others.
Q.Are you open to relocation?
apparently, the company isnt asking us this question so much as telling us that it shall relocate us as soon as possible, and so we better be prepared. because the teacher (who's name i shall refrain from telling you), said that the only way to answer this was 'yes', and a prayer that they dont keep us to our word.
Ah! what an unfortunately dishonest world we live in, where we must give a hundred lies to get one job!
Q.How do your colleagues describe you?
the teacher gave us a task for this one. instead of telling us how to answer the question, she sent us all out of the class, one by one, and asked everyone to describe the bugger who was outside.
it was a fun activity, in which we found out just how much miss x, loves her best friend miss z, and how much master c respects master m.
when it was my turn to go outside the class, i definitely cheated, and overhearing what they said. i was gladdened to find out that my classmates think that i am charismatic, opinionated, funny, witty, charming, bold, daring and that i had a great personality. nay it was flattering!
as i said to the teacher later, after the class was over, it was a mercy that the interviewer was asking me the question, and not the rest of the class (basically that the question was being asked to the interviewee, and not his classmates). because when it was me telling someone else what others think of me, i can lie, and i can tell them just how great i am, irrespective of whatever they feel.
of course i dont need to worry, i am after all a great guy ;)
i've had absolutely no rest all weekend. i slept late on friday, woke up early saturaday, did a lot of roaming around (and stood by for a few hours as my sisters shopped). then i had dinner, and chatted with my three sisters (not to forget my only married sisters husband), and then i kept doing nothing until i finally slept at three, only to wake up at 5:30. all of sunday, i was getting drenched in the rain, and again i did not sleep until midnight. and today, i wake up at 5 to get to college, and i still get late by forty minutes (thankfully the teacher was kind).
and then comes english class!
suddenly i am more awake, more refreshed than i have any right to be. today's class, was something that i've decided to call 'formal Job Interviews for honest, sincere dummies.'
as the title suggests, the topic was regarding Job Interviews. more importantly, it was our teachers attempt to prepare us, for job interviews, by telling us how to convince the interviewer that we are the best liar around, and hence more worthy of the job.
and the method of conducting the class, was by telling us the FAQ's in job interviews, and telling us what are acceptable answers.
if you remember, i had been thrown out last time, and ma'am was not in any mood to relent today either, which was why i was extra cautious, and hence, i didnt give any bright responses. however, i shall tell you what all went through my mind as i listened to the lecture.
as a sample,
Q.Tell us two of your strengths.
the teachers response-
for this question, they do not need to know that you are good at playing a violin, or binge eating. what they need to know are two of your strengths that are valuable in the office, such as things like hard-work, or the ability to get work done on time, or such things. things like these are the things you need to tell them.
my mind-
so basically, everyone should tell them that they are hard-working, punctual, dedicated, sincere, machines, whose sole aim in life is to do your work for you. wow. do i really need such a job?
Q.Tell us about your weaknesses.
the teachers answer-
as humans, we are all prone to weaknesses, such as emotionality, attachment, and so on and so forth. however, the interviewer does not need to know what your true weaknesses are. instead, you should advertise one of your strengths as a weakness. so you can say that sometimes i drive my colleagues too hard, and overwork them, only because i love to do as much work as possible.
my mind-
yes ma'am, when we told them our strengths, we established that we are inhuman robots, who do not suffer from the malady of weakness. why dont we just tell them now that we have no weakness, and we are unlikely to develop any in the future. while we are at it, we could also tell them that we are not humans, but actually machines, constructed by the genius of our college, not to mention our English teacher. we could just tell them that we are robots. if they believe all the other BS we come up with, then it isnt too much of a stretch of imagination to believe that we are in fact a robot.
Q.Where do you see yourself five years from now?
her answer-
some of the common mistakes made by people include giving answers like, 'As the CEO of this firm', or 'As your boss.', or if the candidate is less ambitious, 'In your chair.' kindly avoid these answers, they are over-ambitious & inappropriate. instead, give realistic, appropriate answers, like, 'As a team leader for a JAVA project at your firm.', or maybe, 'As an MBA, in the Marketing Dept of your firm'. things like that are good answers.
my mind- well i agree with you on one thing ma'am, in your chair is a bad answer. i mean what sort of company is this, if the only good career aim there is to grab a chair? if it was a decent firm, they'd buy more chairs.
however, i dont see how over-ambitiousness is a problem, as long as the boss himself is over-ambitious. besides, if i take up a job, why would i settle for being just a team leader ever?
Q.What motivates you?
her answer-
avoid emotional, passionate answers about how your family motivates you, or money motivates you, or the need to make a difference motivates you. the company doesnt want to employ you if you're interested in the environment and greenpeace. a good answer would be, 'challenging tasks motivate me', or 'a bright career, with ample opportunity to progress is the source of my motivation.'
my response-
thank you ma'am for informing me that no one wants to hire a person who wants to clean up the environment, or for that matter, the world. i'm gladdened to know that if you interview me, i shall never get a job. and, i wonder, is the interviewer a dumb fool? does he not know anything about how interviewees will never be honest? isnt he already expecting you to say such BS? why would he ever employ me, if i insult his intelligence?
Q.How well do you handle criticism?
her answer-
tell them that you always take criticism positively. in fact you appreciate criticism as it gives you a chance to improve.
my mind-
Since we have already established that we are robots, i think it makes no difference if we also establish that we are the perfect robot to hire, since you can insult us, criticize us, and do whatever you like, without us raising an eye-brow.
we might as well sum up the whole interview by saying, 'I am Microsoft Office Help version zzz.zzz, and i am humble, i am meek, i can tolerate all bull shit, and do all your work. hire us, so that you can rest easy knowing that we are doing your work for you.'
Q.How do you work under pressure?
her suggestion-
obviously you cannot tell them that you cant handle pressure, or you get irritable if the chips are down.
so tell them that your performance improves in pressure situations, and you work even more efficiently.
my brain-
add 'I improve efficiency and performance, if you give me impossible jobs.' to the advertisement for 'MS Office Help version zzz.zzz.
also, i think i was smiling at this time, which she saw, because she asked me, 'You're still laughing. is everything alright?'
i wanted to say, 'Apart from the fact that i'm paying a college over 2 lakh bucks to teach me how to lie, nothing else at all.' but i think i kept quite.
Q. Tell us five words that describe you.
her idea-
say things like punctual, smart-working, money-wise, passionate, team-worker, calm, responsible, rational, pro-active, fun-loving etc. do not say things like funny, witty, etc.
my idea- scratch the old ad, make a new one, with another line about how i'm all of this and more.
also ma'am, as far as i'm aware, money-wise should be two words. conjugating two words with a hyphen, is only an excuse to sound less verbose than one really is!
Q.Why should we hire you and not the others?
my answer as soon as she asked this, and yes i gave it out loud-
Because i'm a lying, stinking, desperate, jobless pig of an engineer, who needs a job. i am not just a cheat, but also darned selfish, and so you should hire me, and not the others. isnt that what you were expecting, and building it up for all this while?
she only told me that this wouldnt help me get a job,though she did appreciate the joke. also she advised us to give the usual piece of crap about how we are good, and others are bad etc!
Q.What are your career goals?
this one, was again the same advise as where you see yourself five years from now. however since i was encouraged by her appreciation of the joke, i was confident enough to hazard a suggestion- 'to earn big for five years, and retire to write at the age of thirty, or sooner if possible.' of course i gave an inquisitive tone to the statement, so that she could answer instead of getting upset. she told me that it was a better answer than many others.
Q.Are you open to relocation?
apparently, the company isnt asking us this question so much as telling us that it shall relocate us as soon as possible, and so we better be prepared. because the teacher (who's name i shall refrain from telling you), said that the only way to answer this was 'yes', and a prayer that they dont keep us to our word.
Ah! what an unfortunately dishonest world we live in, where we must give a hundred lies to get one job!
Q.How do your colleagues describe you?
the teacher gave us a task for this one. instead of telling us how to answer the question, she sent us all out of the class, one by one, and asked everyone to describe the bugger who was outside.
it was a fun activity, in which we found out just how much miss x, loves her best friend miss z, and how much master c respects master m.
when it was my turn to go outside the class, i definitely cheated, and overhearing what they said. i was gladdened to find out that my classmates think that i am charismatic, opinionated, funny, witty, charming, bold, daring and that i had a great personality. nay it was flattering!
as i said to the teacher later, after the class was over, it was a mercy that the interviewer was asking me the question, and not the rest of the class (basically that the question was being asked to the interviewee, and not his classmates). because when it was me telling someone else what others think of me, i can lie, and i can tell them just how great i am, irrespective of whatever they feel.
of course i dont need to worry, i am after all a great guy ;)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Of english classes, and then some
English class. somehow, i have never had a teacher who actually liked me, as my teacher for english. of course, the feelings are mutual, so it aint a big deal. unsurprisingly, i dont get along too well, even with the teacher who currently has the fortune of teaching me English. and so, it is hardly in my best interests to let her teach, and not disrupt her class.
the fact that i love to disrupt classes, and not let a teacher teach, has nothing to do with me disrupting her classes, and it is purely coincidental that i enjoyed disrupting this class.
well two days ago, on thursday, we had an english lecture, at mid-day. and, we had all lectures free up until that point. while this doesnt mean much as such, but the practical advantage is that students can sleep until 11, and then go to college. obviously i leap at such opportunities to sleep late (if i remember correctly, i was up until 3 the previous night, writing on the blog, and then writing in general). and so i woke up at a leisurely pace, got ready at a leisurely pace, and then went to college at an equally leisurely pace. and i got late by about five minutes.
and the teacher was late by 6 minutes, so i was safe.
as soon as our respected teacher got in, she told us the topic of the day, 'Formal E-mails'.
thats the moment, when i decided that i would not let her teach the class.
and so began my attempts at undermining her teaching. she started off with the format.
'at the top you right TO, CC, and BCC', she said. i let her talk. this was not the moment for an attack. as the best tacticians know, there is a time for an attack, and this was the moment to sit back, and let her set herself up for a fall.
after a five minute description for those three columns, she proceeded to the next point, the subject. thats when i knew my first point of attack.
"well children", she said, in an unnecessary patronizing tone, "for the purposes of this class, let us take our topic to be an invitation for a birthday party."
the great napolean bonaparte, once advised that we should not stop our enemies, when they are making a mistake. i wasnt going to stop her either. i let her carry on. "so kids, suggest a suitable subject."
i prepared my assault weapons, and attacked.
me- Ma'am, before we get into the subject itself, i have a doubt regarding the subject you have given us.
her- well do ask me child.
me- Ma'am, if we establish as fact that we are inviting people for a birthday, which is an informal event, why would we bother to send a formal email, instead of the more classical telephone call?
her- well suppose its your colleagues, you cant just invite them like that can you?
me- Ma'am, i think we have established that i consider it to be an informal event. considering that point, i think i'm fully capable of inviting them, by going over to their cubicle, and telling them to show up.
her- but that is unacceptable office behaviour.
me- but then perhaps we should reconsider acceptable office behaviour. because the way i see it, any person should be able to invite any other person for their birthday, in an informal manner. because a birthday is about as informal and unofficial an event as there can be.
her-well, you can try that in your own organization, once you are employed, and until then, please let the rest of the class understand normal, acceptable office behaviour.
the tone in her voice as she said, 'once you are employed', threatened in every sentence, that i would never be employed if she had her way. thankfully, she isnt likely to have her way. i mean, she is the english teacher, not the CSc dept. HOD. she cant do anything.
i paused, to let her make another mistake. she didnt disappoint.
her-so children what should an acceptable subject be?
someone from the class-Ma'am, how about-'birthday invitation'?
her-this is a good example of a bad subject. what is the purpose of the subject?
she paused for effect. then, before anyone else could come up with a plausible answer, she answered her own question.
her-a subject, is used, to let the receiver know what the mail is about, and its supposed to be something that convinces the other person, to open the mail, and read it.
her second mistake. i think i already mentioned napoleans quote.
me-Ma'am as far as those objectives are concerned, Birthday invitation is the perfect subject, because the receiver now knows that he is invited to a birthday party, and he does not know any other details, so, given human nature associated with free parties, he's very likely to open the mail to find out as much as possible.
her-child, your point's get more and more ridiculous. as far as getting marks is concerned, i shall only give marks if the subject includes the date, time, and venue, along with a mention of the fact that its a birthday party.
me-ma'am two questions. are you suggesting that the sole aim of this class, is to get marks? and also, are you then suggesting that the subject be, 'Birthday Invitation, for the 22nd of october 2010, at 4 in the evening, to be held at so and so venue'? because if that is the case, you may as well add another sentence, 'Please show up.', and avoid writing the mail altogether, which in this time of effective time management, would be saving you so much time.
her-nikd, if you plan to hold a job, then the first subject is the one you shall use, and then, you shall write a proper invitation as an email. is that clear?
for her own sakes, i'm glad she chose not to answer my first query.
me- well ma'am thats absolutely clear, and very convenient, considering the fact that holding a job, never figured into my plans.
i think i was getting to her, because she walked up to me, and in a menacing tone, she threatened me.
her- will you let me get on with the class?
me-ma'am is that a question? or...
i let the sentence hang. it was best to leave it to her imagination, which is not as good as mine admittedly, but would certainly serve the purpose.
her- no that is not a question. kindly stop the wisecracks.
see. my teachers need to rely on my kindness.
her- Also, some people have a habit of writing subjects like, 'IMPORTANT!!!', or 'URGENT!!!!!!'. these are inadvisable, because whatis important to you may not be important to the other person.
me-ma'am, this time i have a genuine query. (YA RIGHT!) as far as using a hook to capture their attention is concerned, this would be the perfect hook wouldnt it? because the receiver does not know nothing except that the sender considers this important enough to merit 5 exclamation marks. most people are likely to read the mail if this is the subject.
her-while i agree that they are very likely to read the mail, once they find out that it isnt something life threatening, they are also likely to fire you, especially if they sit on a seat above yours. does that clarify your doubt?
i nodded. i know a lost cause when i see one. if i wanted, i could have let her stay stuck on the subject for the rest of the lecture, but that way, no one would learn anything. if i let her continue, at least people would learn a valuable skill,'HOW TO WRITE AN EMAIL'. in fact, you never know, one of my classmates, might even go on to write a best selling survival guide titled- HOW TO WRITE AN E-MAIL FOR DUMMIES.
and so i let her continue.
she proceeded to carry on with the specifics of email writing, and i let her continue until she reached the salutation. by this point of time, she had come to the conclusion, that with me, and another partner in crime (let us call him john for the purposes of this post), sitting in the class, a birthday invitation was a wrong example. now, the example we were considering was of a complaint to an electronics firm, regarding a malfunctioning AC.
her- the salutation, is always supposed to be 'Dear sir', or 'dear ma'am'.
did she just say, dear sir? did i mention napolean? yes, and yes. good. proceeding.
her- after the salutation, comes the main body, which must be in an appropriate tone. here for example, you must be harsh and rude, and clear. you are the slighted customer, you have a right to protest and demand a new AC.
as she paused to take a breath, i took the opportunity to attack.
me- so are you suggesting, that i call a man 'Dear sir', and then go on and e rude to him until he feels embarrassed enough to do something about it? why call him a dear sir at all, if only i am going to go and be rude to him the next second?
her- because that is the acceptable format, andi shall not entertain any further queries regarding the format.
me- well thats alright ma'am.
i said this in an undertone, and i was hoping she hadnt heard it.
but my hopes were groundless. the next thing she said was.
Her- NIKD, you seem to be a little too cheerful today. is everything fine?
me, again in what i perceived as an undertone- well it must be the vodka from last night.
damned god, she heard that too.
as you can guess, that didnt go down well with her. the next thing i knew, she had asked me to get my ass out of the door. didnt i tell you, she hates me (and i'll let you decide if it is justified or not).
i walked out. the lecture was almost over anyway. but i think i left behind my victorious grin, to remind her that she could throw me out, but that was the best she could ever do. and that at the end of the day, she would have to rely upon throwing me out to win.
my teacher needs to rely upon underhand tricks to kick me out! HA!
the fact that i love to disrupt classes, and not let a teacher teach, has nothing to do with me disrupting her classes, and it is purely coincidental that i enjoyed disrupting this class.
well two days ago, on thursday, we had an english lecture, at mid-day. and, we had all lectures free up until that point. while this doesnt mean much as such, but the practical advantage is that students can sleep until 11, and then go to college. obviously i leap at such opportunities to sleep late (if i remember correctly, i was up until 3 the previous night, writing on the blog, and then writing in general). and so i woke up at a leisurely pace, got ready at a leisurely pace, and then went to college at an equally leisurely pace. and i got late by about five minutes.
and the teacher was late by 6 minutes, so i was safe.
as soon as our respected teacher got in, she told us the topic of the day, 'Formal E-mails'.
thats the moment, when i decided that i would not let her teach the class.
and so began my attempts at undermining her teaching. she started off with the format.
'at the top you right TO, CC, and BCC', she said. i let her talk. this was not the moment for an attack. as the best tacticians know, there is a time for an attack, and this was the moment to sit back, and let her set herself up for a fall.
after a five minute description for those three columns, she proceeded to the next point, the subject. thats when i knew my first point of attack.
"well children", she said, in an unnecessary patronizing tone, "for the purposes of this class, let us take our topic to be an invitation for a birthday party."
the great napolean bonaparte, once advised that we should not stop our enemies, when they are making a mistake. i wasnt going to stop her either. i let her carry on. "so kids, suggest a suitable subject."
i prepared my assault weapons, and attacked.
me- Ma'am, before we get into the subject itself, i have a doubt regarding the subject you have given us.
her- well do ask me child.
me- Ma'am, if we establish as fact that we are inviting people for a birthday, which is an informal event, why would we bother to send a formal email, instead of the more classical telephone call?
her- well suppose its your colleagues, you cant just invite them like that can you?
me- Ma'am, i think we have established that i consider it to be an informal event. considering that point, i think i'm fully capable of inviting them, by going over to their cubicle, and telling them to show up.
her- but that is unacceptable office behaviour.
me- but then perhaps we should reconsider acceptable office behaviour. because the way i see it, any person should be able to invite any other person for their birthday, in an informal manner. because a birthday is about as informal and unofficial an event as there can be.
her-well, you can try that in your own organization, once you are employed, and until then, please let the rest of the class understand normal, acceptable office behaviour.
the tone in her voice as she said, 'once you are employed', threatened in every sentence, that i would never be employed if she had her way. thankfully, she isnt likely to have her way. i mean, she is the english teacher, not the CSc dept. HOD. she cant do anything.
i paused, to let her make another mistake. she didnt disappoint.
her-so children what should an acceptable subject be?
someone from the class-Ma'am, how about-'birthday invitation'?
her-this is a good example of a bad subject. what is the purpose of the subject?
she paused for effect. then, before anyone else could come up with a plausible answer, she answered her own question.
her-a subject, is used, to let the receiver know what the mail is about, and its supposed to be something that convinces the other person, to open the mail, and read it.
her second mistake. i think i already mentioned napoleans quote.
me-Ma'am as far as those objectives are concerned, Birthday invitation is the perfect subject, because the receiver now knows that he is invited to a birthday party, and he does not know any other details, so, given human nature associated with free parties, he's very likely to open the mail to find out as much as possible.
her-child, your point's get more and more ridiculous. as far as getting marks is concerned, i shall only give marks if the subject includes the date, time, and venue, along with a mention of the fact that its a birthday party.
me-ma'am two questions. are you suggesting that the sole aim of this class, is to get marks? and also, are you then suggesting that the subject be, 'Birthday Invitation, for the 22nd of october 2010, at 4 in the evening, to be held at so and so venue'? because if that is the case, you may as well add another sentence, 'Please show up.', and avoid writing the mail altogether, which in this time of effective time management, would be saving you so much time.
her-nikd, if you plan to hold a job, then the first subject is the one you shall use, and then, you shall write a proper invitation as an email. is that clear?
for her own sakes, i'm glad she chose not to answer my first query.
me- well ma'am thats absolutely clear, and very convenient, considering the fact that holding a job, never figured into my plans.
i think i was getting to her, because she walked up to me, and in a menacing tone, she threatened me.
her- will you let me get on with the class?
me-ma'am is that a question? or...
i let the sentence hang. it was best to leave it to her imagination, which is not as good as mine admittedly, but would certainly serve the purpose.
her- no that is not a question. kindly stop the wisecracks.
see. my teachers need to rely on my kindness.
her- Also, some people have a habit of writing subjects like, 'IMPORTANT!!!', or 'URGENT!!!!!!'. these are inadvisable, because whatis important to you may not be important to the other person.
me-ma'am, this time i have a genuine query. (YA RIGHT!) as far as using a hook to capture their attention is concerned, this would be the perfect hook wouldnt it? because the receiver does not know nothing except that the sender considers this important enough to merit 5 exclamation marks. most people are likely to read the mail if this is the subject.
her-while i agree that they are very likely to read the mail, once they find out that it isnt something life threatening, they are also likely to fire you, especially if they sit on a seat above yours. does that clarify your doubt?
i nodded. i know a lost cause when i see one. if i wanted, i could have let her stay stuck on the subject for the rest of the lecture, but that way, no one would learn anything. if i let her continue, at least people would learn a valuable skill,'HOW TO WRITE AN EMAIL'. in fact, you never know, one of my classmates, might even go on to write a best selling survival guide titled- HOW TO WRITE AN E-MAIL FOR DUMMIES.
and so i let her continue.
she proceeded to carry on with the specifics of email writing, and i let her continue until she reached the salutation. by this point of time, she had come to the conclusion, that with me, and another partner in crime (let us call him john for the purposes of this post), sitting in the class, a birthday invitation was a wrong example. now, the example we were considering was of a complaint to an electronics firm, regarding a malfunctioning AC.
her- the salutation, is always supposed to be 'Dear sir', or 'dear ma'am'.
did she just say, dear sir? did i mention napolean? yes, and yes. good. proceeding.
her- after the salutation, comes the main body, which must be in an appropriate tone. here for example, you must be harsh and rude, and clear. you are the slighted customer, you have a right to protest and demand a new AC.
as she paused to take a breath, i took the opportunity to attack.
me- so are you suggesting, that i call a man 'Dear sir', and then go on and e rude to him until he feels embarrassed enough to do something about it? why call him a dear sir at all, if only i am going to go and be rude to him the next second?
her- because that is the acceptable format, andi shall not entertain any further queries regarding the format.
me- well thats alright ma'am.
i said this in an undertone, and i was hoping she hadnt heard it.
but my hopes were groundless. the next thing she said was.
Her- NIKD, you seem to be a little too cheerful today. is everything fine?
me, again in what i perceived as an undertone- well it must be the vodka from last night.
damned god, she heard that too.
as you can guess, that didnt go down well with her. the next thing i knew, she had asked me to get my ass out of the door. didnt i tell you, she hates me (and i'll let you decide if it is justified or not).
i walked out. the lecture was almost over anyway. but i think i left behind my victorious grin, to remind her that she could throw me out, but that was the best she could ever do. and that at the end of the day, she would have to rely upon throwing me out to win.
my teacher needs to rely upon underhand tricks to kick me out! HA!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The wrath of Mr Murphy!
murphy's law is a very simple, elegant, age old adage- anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. basically, it means that whatever can go wrong, is pre-destined to go wrong, and there is nothing you can do about it. in another form, mountaineers in the fifties said that, 'anything that can possibly go wrong, does'. how it is attributed to Mr Murphy, i do not know, but in the fifties and sixties, everyone from the chairman of the Atomic Energy Commision, a Lewis Strauss, to a certain Mr Reilly, were giving their own version, and hoping that it would be attributed to them. Mr Strauss for example said, 'if anything bad can happen, it probably will'. i suppose he was hoping for too much, since he stated that it probably would go wrong, hence he probably wouldnt get to have it named after him. Mr Reilly, associated it to science, by stating it as, ' in any scientific or engineering endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong'. he shouldnt have hoped for it to be his either.
eventually though, after what i feel sure were a series of misfortunes, it was attributed to a Mr Murphy (and i do not know anything about this guy, so if you are extremely curious, like niki, please go on to wikipedia and check for yourself).
i once even tried proving Murphy's law, but as you can guess, everything kept going wrong.
eventually though, i forgot all about it, until last night, which was the time that everything started going wrong.
first off, i was at the gym (predictably. remind me to tell you about my gyming experiences someday), and was doing some simple, basic exercises for the shoulder and chest. and i unfortunately sprained my left wrist. i figured it was a one-off incident, which would soon pass, but little did i know, that i was facing the wrath of Murphy (woe onto me for trying to prove his law wrong!).
soon, i was forced to leave my work-out halfway through, because i was in little condition to carry on with my aching wrist. so i went to the market, to get myself some lemonade, and boiled eggs (i know its not the best combination ever, but whatever). when i got to the market, i realised that my wallet was where i had left it before going to the gym, in my cupboard! cursing my stupidity, and not yet realizing my true ailment, i went back to my hostel room, a full fifteen minute walk, to retrieve my wallet. this time, i did get to the market, only to find the shop that sells eggs, fresh out of boiled eggs, and the guy tells me that he was anyway planning to shut shop early today!
i mentally cursed him ten times, and decided to forgo my eggs. after taking my daily dose of lemonade, i began walking back to my hostel. on the way, i came across another chap that sold eggs. thanking god for my good luck, i got myself two boiled eggs, only to be struck by Murphy, in the form of a barking dog, leaping at me, and stealing my eggs! i didnt give up just then. instead, i tried purchasing another couple of eggs. these ones, were just fine, but then i found out that my money, was all in my cupboard still, and that my wallet was now effectively empty (its part of my little scheme to not overspend. i only ever carry as much money as i presume i shall require). and i realized this after i had eaten.
thankfully the guy who sold (or actually just gave) me the eggs was kind. he only screamed politely. and eventually, he let me talk to some friends who were coincidently going back to their own hostels at the same time. they loaned me the money to get back (so much ruckus over ten bucks! that guy is too mean).
when i got back, i figured that i would try to get on with my story writing. at that opportune moment, my laptop blinked a warning- Low battery. as i plugged it in to charge, the electricity at my hostel winked goodbye. within three minutes, so did my laptop! even then i did not recognize the unmerciful hand of murphy (I'll get back someday you scheming scoundrel).
figuring that i might as well eat dinner, i walked over to the kitchen to discover that i was slightly late, and that even the leftovers from the leftovers were mostly finished. i was so upset, i just grabbed the chef (a fancy term for the cook), and asked him if there was anything to eat. apparently, it was my bad day, and the answer was no. eventually i settled for corn-flakes and milk.
thankfully, my sleep was undisturbed.
then, i woke up this morning to realize that my phone had blinked good night, and was switched off. thankfully my alarm is my mind. as i put it on charge, i found that my toothpaste had finished, and that forgetfull me, i had forgotten to purchase another (this is the third day in a row, so i'm not sure whether to blame it on Murphy or Hanlon*.)
i borrowed my roomies toothpaste (nice guy, even if he uses a not so nice toothpaste. i cant give its name, for the sake of privacy). then, after brushing, i had a bath etc (thank god that was uneventful). while i was dressing, i noticed that i had no ironed, fresh clothes for college. by this time, i didnt have the energy to argue with fate (which is what i thought until then), and so i settled on a half-dirty t-shirt, and a decently old pair of jeans. breakfast was a nice affair, where i split milk all over my not so clean shirt. when i got to college (in a different, slightly more dirty shirt), i was told that there was a viva to be held in the first lecture, and i was up first because my roll number is first in the class. unsurprisingly i was unprepared, and unfailingly the teacher was unabsent**. i gave a forgettable viva (i've always been bad at viva's anyway). and after i was done, the rest of the class proceeded to claim that we had such a tough schedule that they were unprepared and hence deserved another week.
do i need to tell you that the teacher gave them a week?
i spent the next two hours, on a pc which was made in the 90's, trying to write the previous post***. the internet connection was also quite slow. it took me a full two hours to get through with what would otherwise have taken only forty minutes. AND i nearly lost the post twice due to internet timeouts!
i spent the next lecture sneezing (Yes i contracted a cold sometime recently) the next lecture, i spent half sleeping (probably this is because of the teachers boring voice. fortunately i wasnt kicked out). finally came lunch break, and i headed to the library to read the news. guess what, some kids had hogged over the main news-papers, and when i finally did get them, forty minutes later, they were mutilated beyond recognition.
in the next lecture, i was again sneezing, and sniffing, and now coughing (it gets worse, wait for it).
and in the next, a maths lecture, we were given five questions to solve. and i got them all wrong even on the third or forth attempts.
finally free from the absurdity of college, and still unaware of my true malady, i got back to my room. i had lunch, while conversing with my sister, and we carried on the conversation almost until 5 in the evening (bye bye balance). in this time, my laptop caught a virus, cleaned it up, recovered from a major system error, and suddenly started telling me that my copy of windows was NOT GENUINE.
do you know, my copy of windows is an official copy, my laptop is in fact an official laptop of the government of India (its my dads. i've borrowed it for now, until alternative arrangements can be made). thank you microsoft for telling me that the government of india deals in counterfeit windows. at five, sick and tired of the ill-behavior of my laptop, i went to sleep. and i slept all the way till 8, when i awoke to realize that my wrist was still aching, and that i had already missed a day's gym. my copy of windows was still not genuine, my cold was worse, the internet at my hostel was now malfunctioning (well thats gone alright now, THANK GOD), and for dinner, we had a delicacy, which was hence already hogged down by the gluttons i live with.
for the second day running, i ate corn-flakes, and i spoke to niki. she tells me, that she is bored. i tell her that i'm having a bad day. in between, Will sends me a forward, regarding Murphy's law. suddenly i realize my ailment, and so niki tells me to write a post about it (this post is hence dedicated to you niki :-) )
i try, only to find my internet not working, and my eyes burning. at this point, i think i almost cried in misery.
thankfully my pain vanished, i could write again, and i tried writing this piece. and it took me another couple of hours getting it write (beg pardon, right. see how bad i feel!) and in the meanwhile, my eyes have started stinging again, my hand still aches, my nose is irritating, and threatening to run a marathon, and i am in no sort of physical condition to even sit up, let alone do anything else!
truly, murphy hates me.
*Hanlon's razor- another ancient adage which states - never attribute to malice, that which is adequately explained by stupidity. i think you can see the reference.
**i could have said present, but it was too tempting to say unabsent. allow a agonized soul his little pleasures, and overlook the grammatical error
***the post is called Tragedy thrills me, and can be found at - Tragedy Thrills me. do check it out.
PS- today, i have relied slightly on exaggeration, and on foot-notes. that, is part of my creative license. so there is little you can do to avoid it. cheers :)
eventually though, after what i feel sure were a series of misfortunes, it was attributed to a Mr Murphy (and i do not know anything about this guy, so if you are extremely curious, like niki, please go on to wikipedia and check for yourself).
i once even tried proving Murphy's law, but as you can guess, everything kept going wrong.
eventually though, i forgot all about it, until last night, which was the time that everything started going wrong.
first off, i was at the gym (predictably. remind me to tell you about my gyming experiences someday), and was doing some simple, basic exercises for the shoulder and chest. and i unfortunately sprained my left wrist. i figured it was a one-off incident, which would soon pass, but little did i know, that i was facing the wrath of Murphy (woe onto me for trying to prove his law wrong!).
soon, i was forced to leave my work-out halfway through, because i was in little condition to carry on with my aching wrist. so i went to the market, to get myself some lemonade, and boiled eggs (i know its not the best combination ever, but whatever). when i got to the market, i realised that my wallet was where i had left it before going to the gym, in my cupboard! cursing my stupidity, and not yet realizing my true ailment, i went back to my hostel room, a full fifteen minute walk, to retrieve my wallet. this time, i did get to the market, only to find the shop that sells eggs, fresh out of boiled eggs, and the guy tells me that he was anyway planning to shut shop early today!
i mentally cursed him ten times, and decided to forgo my eggs. after taking my daily dose of lemonade, i began walking back to my hostel. on the way, i came across another chap that sold eggs. thanking god for my good luck, i got myself two boiled eggs, only to be struck by Murphy, in the form of a barking dog, leaping at me, and stealing my eggs! i didnt give up just then. instead, i tried purchasing another couple of eggs. these ones, were just fine, but then i found out that my money, was all in my cupboard still, and that my wallet was now effectively empty (its part of my little scheme to not overspend. i only ever carry as much money as i presume i shall require). and i realized this after i had eaten.
thankfully the guy who sold (or actually just gave) me the eggs was kind. he only screamed politely. and eventually, he let me talk to some friends who were coincidently going back to their own hostels at the same time. they loaned me the money to get back (so much ruckus over ten bucks! that guy is too mean).
when i got back, i figured that i would try to get on with my story writing. at that opportune moment, my laptop blinked a warning- Low battery. as i plugged it in to charge, the electricity at my hostel winked goodbye. within three minutes, so did my laptop! even then i did not recognize the unmerciful hand of murphy (I'll get back someday you scheming scoundrel).
figuring that i might as well eat dinner, i walked over to the kitchen to discover that i was slightly late, and that even the leftovers from the leftovers were mostly finished. i was so upset, i just grabbed the chef (a fancy term for the cook), and asked him if there was anything to eat. apparently, it was my bad day, and the answer was no. eventually i settled for corn-flakes and milk.
thankfully, my sleep was undisturbed.
then, i woke up this morning to realize that my phone had blinked good night, and was switched off. thankfully my alarm is my mind. as i put it on charge, i found that my toothpaste had finished, and that forgetfull me, i had forgotten to purchase another (this is the third day in a row, so i'm not sure whether to blame it on Murphy or Hanlon*.)
i borrowed my roomies toothpaste (nice guy, even if he uses a not so nice toothpaste. i cant give its name, for the sake of privacy). then, after brushing, i had a bath etc (thank god that was uneventful). while i was dressing, i noticed that i had no ironed, fresh clothes for college. by this time, i didnt have the energy to argue with fate (which is what i thought until then), and so i settled on a half-dirty t-shirt, and a decently old pair of jeans. breakfast was a nice affair, where i split milk all over my not so clean shirt. when i got to college (in a different, slightly more dirty shirt), i was told that there was a viva to be held in the first lecture, and i was up first because my roll number is first in the class. unsurprisingly i was unprepared, and unfailingly the teacher was unabsent**. i gave a forgettable viva (i've always been bad at viva's anyway). and after i was done, the rest of the class proceeded to claim that we had such a tough schedule that they were unprepared and hence deserved another week.
do i need to tell you that the teacher gave them a week?
i spent the next two hours, on a pc which was made in the 90's, trying to write the previous post***. the internet connection was also quite slow. it took me a full two hours to get through with what would otherwise have taken only forty minutes. AND i nearly lost the post twice due to internet timeouts!
i spent the next lecture sneezing (Yes i contracted a cold sometime recently) the next lecture, i spent half sleeping (probably this is because of the teachers boring voice. fortunately i wasnt kicked out). finally came lunch break, and i headed to the library to read the news. guess what, some kids had hogged over the main news-papers, and when i finally did get them, forty minutes later, they were mutilated beyond recognition.
in the next lecture, i was again sneezing, and sniffing, and now coughing (it gets worse, wait for it).
and in the next, a maths lecture, we were given five questions to solve. and i got them all wrong even on the third or forth attempts.
finally free from the absurdity of college, and still unaware of my true malady, i got back to my room. i had lunch, while conversing with my sister, and we carried on the conversation almost until 5 in the evening (bye bye balance). in this time, my laptop caught a virus, cleaned it up, recovered from a major system error, and suddenly started telling me that my copy of windows was NOT GENUINE.
do you know, my copy of windows is an official copy, my laptop is in fact an official laptop of the government of India (its my dads. i've borrowed it for now, until alternative arrangements can be made). thank you microsoft for telling me that the government of india deals in counterfeit windows. at five, sick and tired of the ill-behavior of my laptop, i went to sleep. and i slept all the way till 8, when i awoke to realize that my wrist was still aching, and that i had already missed a day's gym. my copy of windows was still not genuine, my cold was worse, the internet at my hostel was now malfunctioning (well thats gone alright now, THANK GOD), and for dinner, we had a delicacy, which was hence already hogged down by the gluttons i live with.
for the second day running, i ate corn-flakes, and i spoke to niki. she tells me, that she is bored. i tell her that i'm having a bad day. in between, Will sends me a forward, regarding Murphy's law. suddenly i realize my ailment, and so niki tells me to write a post about it (this post is hence dedicated to you niki :-) )
i try, only to find my internet not working, and my eyes burning. at this point, i think i almost cried in misery.
thankfully my pain vanished, i could write again, and i tried writing this piece. and it took me another couple of hours getting it write (beg pardon, right. see how bad i feel!) and in the meanwhile, my eyes have started stinging again, my hand still aches, my nose is irritating, and threatening to run a marathon, and i am in no sort of physical condition to even sit up, let alone do anything else!
truly, murphy hates me.
*Hanlon's razor- another ancient adage which states - never attribute to malice, that which is adequately explained by stupidity. i think you can see the reference.
**i could have said present, but it was too tempting to say unabsent. allow a agonized soul his little pleasures, and overlook the grammatical error
***the post is called Tragedy thrills me, and can be found at - Tragedy Thrills me. do check it out.
PS- today, i have relied slightly on exaggeration, and on foot-notes. that, is part of my creative license. so there is little you can do to avoid it. cheers :)
Tragedy Thrills me
For a long time i have noticed that tragedy is the one thing that thrills me. whenever i am reading a book, i looks for the personal tragedies of the various characters. and if i do not find any character with a tragic part, then i no longer like it. here i wish to take a pause, and define what i mean by tragedy. when i say tragedy, i mean, that the character must suffer some great misfortune. the character must not ever be happy, right until the end of the story (and preferably not even then).
i love it when i read a character who is in pain. and even more than that, i love it when the pain is self-inflicted. when the character has done something stupid, and is now suffering the consequences. for example, recently i read a book, 'the black prism'. it involves the story of a man, who has imprisoned his own twin, to be king of the world. and, he is father of a child he refuses to claim as his own, for the sake of the woman he loves. now i havent read the whole thing yet, but insofar as i have, i enjoyed knowing of the poor king, who was being pulled in a thousand different directions, and quite literally torn apart from all the pulling!
in this manner, i suppose i really love reading Mr George R R Martin. because he is oh so kind to his characters. in the first book of his series 'A song of fire and ice', he introduced a noble family of 10. by the end of the book, the head of the family was dead, his brother missing in the wilderness, his eldest son fighting a war he did not understand, the man's basterd son looking for the missing brother, his next son, a cripple without legs, his elder daughter a prisoner, and the younger one fleeing from those who imprisoned her sister. his wife meanwhile is looking for some way to keep her family together, while the youngest child, a son of 5 years, is yet to come to terms with life, which is tragic enough as it is. oh and by the way, a great winter, which is somewhat like a mini-ice age is prophesized to come in soon. talk about tragic.
no offense to that great genre of writing, where great heroes took it upon themselves to rid the world off evil. those guys, chose to suffer, and well, they came out on top of it to triumph. and i love that kinda literature too. but the special corner of my heart goes out to the people who are just in plain misery.
yes i am a sadist, a narcissist, and i rely on other peoples misfortunes to make myself happy, and i do not shy from acknowledging it. but before anyone critisizes me for this, i'd like to ask a question. are you any different?
its a human trait, so lets not shy from it. lets be honest and acknowledge it. we all love a great comedy, but even more we love a great tragedy. there are countless soaps, that in India are popular only because they involve a matriarch who is always havign to fight to save the family. some of the most famous movies ever, were those in which the people always had problems. stepmom for example, involved the mother dying, and having to actually tell her kids to love the woman who had after a fashion stolen her husband. the most famous sitcom of the ninetis, FRIENDs, relied almost throughtout the series, on the ever-tragic love of Ross and Rachel (of course they made it a tragic comedy, which is something i approve of, for whatever my approval is worth).
almost everyone loves a good trgedy. its almost as if we dont want to hear a story where everyone is happy, and living a normal, uneventful, simple, easy, and HAPPY life. if thats the kind of story we are asked to read, we're most likely going to sleep off halfway through. if the main protagonist of the story does not have struggle, pain, and misfortune, i dont think anyone likes it.
in fact, i think the band TOOL summed it up nicely in their song VICARIOUS-
Eye on the TV
'cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavour
It happens to be like;
Killed by the husband
Drowned by the ocean
Shot by his own son
She used the poison in his tea
And kissed him goodbye
That's my kind of story
It's no fun 'til someone dies
Don't look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying
Why, oh why?
'cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all need it too, don't lie
Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
The writers of stories sold
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can't we just admit it?
Blood like rain come down
Drawn on grave and ground
Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmittal
Sing to the death rattle
La, la, la, la, la, la, la-lie
Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.
Pull your head on out your hippy haze and give a listen.
Shouldn't have to say it all again.
The universe is hostile. so Impersonal. devour to survive.
So it is. So it's always been.
We all feed on tragedy
It's like blood to a vampire
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I
well as they said, we just cant admit it, because that would make us all monsters. but we all like it, we all love it. we need to watch things die... well i for one, admit it. i need it. if that makes me a monster, so be it.
but does anyone else admit it? no. never. well atleast i can be the monster you want to critisize. i'm only human, and so i can even admit, that i'm glad you think me a monster. at least i got that out of you.
i love it when i read a character who is in pain. and even more than that, i love it when the pain is self-inflicted. when the character has done something stupid, and is now suffering the consequences. for example, recently i read a book, 'the black prism'. it involves the story of a man, who has imprisoned his own twin, to be king of the world. and, he is father of a child he refuses to claim as his own, for the sake of the woman he loves. now i havent read the whole thing yet, but insofar as i have, i enjoyed knowing of the poor king, who was being pulled in a thousand different directions, and quite literally torn apart from all the pulling!
in this manner, i suppose i really love reading Mr George R R Martin. because he is oh so kind to his characters. in the first book of his series 'A song of fire and ice', he introduced a noble family of 10. by the end of the book, the head of the family was dead, his brother missing in the wilderness, his eldest son fighting a war he did not understand, the man's basterd son looking for the missing brother, his next son, a cripple without legs, his elder daughter a prisoner, and the younger one fleeing from those who imprisoned her sister. his wife meanwhile is looking for some way to keep her family together, while the youngest child, a son of 5 years, is yet to come to terms with life, which is tragic enough as it is. oh and by the way, a great winter, which is somewhat like a mini-ice age is prophesized to come in soon. talk about tragic.
no offense to that great genre of writing, where great heroes took it upon themselves to rid the world off evil. those guys, chose to suffer, and well, they came out on top of it to triumph. and i love that kinda literature too. but the special corner of my heart goes out to the people who are just in plain misery.
yes i am a sadist, a narcissist, and i rely on other peoples misfortunes to make myself happy, and i do not shy from acknowledging it. but before anyone critisizes me for this, i'd like to ask a question. are you any different?
its a human trait, so lets not shy from it. lets be honest and acknowledge it. we all love a great comedy, but even more we love a great tragedy. there are countless soaps, that in India are popular only because they involve a matriarch who is always havign to fight to save the family. some of the most famous movies ever, were those in which the people always had problems. stepmom for example, involved the mother dying, and having to actually tell her kids to love the woman who had after a fashion stolen her husband. the most famous sitcom of the ninetis, FRIENDs, relied almost throughtout the series, on the ever-tragic love of Ross and Rachel (of course they made it a tragic comedy, which is something i approve of, for whatever my approval is worth).
almost everyone loves a good trgedy. its almost as if we dont want to hear a story where everyone is happy, and living a normal, uneventful, simple, easy, and HAPPY life. if thats the kind of story we are asked to read, we're most likely going to sleep off halfway through. if the main protagonist of the story does not have struggle, pain, and misfortune, i dont think anyone likes it.
in fact, i think the band TOOL summed it up nicely in their song VICARIOUS-
Eye on the TV
'cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavour
It happens to be like;
Killed by the husband
Drowned by the ocean
Shot by his own son
She used the poison in his tea
And kissed him goodbye
That's my kind of story
It's no fun 'til someone dies
Don't look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying
Why, oh why?
'cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all need it too, don't lie
Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
The writers of stories sold
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can't we just admit it?
Blood like rain come down
Drawn on grave and ground
Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmittal
Sing to the death rattle
La, la, la, la, la, la, la-lie
Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.
Pull your head on out your hippy haze and give a listen.
Shouldn't have to say it all again.
The universe is hostile. so Impersonal. devour to survive.
So it is. So it's always been.
We all feed on tragedy
It's like blood to a vampire
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I
well as they said, we just cant admit it, because that would make us all monsters. but we all like it, we all love it. we need to watch things die... well i for one, admit it. i need it. if that makes me a monster, so be it.
but does anyone else admit it? no. never. well atleast i can be the monster you want to critisize. i'm only human, and so i can even admit, that i'm glad you think me a monster. at least i got that out of you.
Monday, September 13, 2010
confessions of a moral policeman
i am a moral policeman. it is my deepest desire to throw my own rules of morality, steeped in hypocrisy, on the rest of civilization. this in itself, is a manifestation of my innermost being, which wants to control others, purely for the sadistic and narcissistic joy i get out of it. in other words, i desire the cheap thrill of calling you an indecent, immoral, sick human being, because i know that i am all of these, and you probably arent.
as a moral policeman, it shall be my right to,
1) watch skimpily clad girls, attain a cheap voyeuristic thrill, and then, in a really loud voice, criticize them, and their family, and their upbringing, until they are humiliated enough to bow before me, apologize, and leave me, feeling like a king.
2) go to the USA; while there, indulge in drinking till i puke, have babies i dont know about, contract three different types of addictions and STDs, get cured for them in a private rehab center, and then, upon my return to India, claim that the USA lacks culture, and anyone doing things that they do, is as good as a criminal, and is guilty of degrading my ancient civilizations morals, and cultural heritage, not to mention, degrading the future generations.
3) force woman to stay covered up, and as far as possible, stay at home. i shall never allow any female in my presence, to either be employed, or educated. moreover, i shall ensure that women are kept as down-trodden as possible, because i feel threatened by them]
4) claim that music channels that show 'item-songs' and other such videos, are destroying the culture, future,etc of my great nation. however, i shall not protest when a TV soap shows a) a man cheating on his wife and getting away with it, b) a man killing his brother for the inheritance sakes, and getting away with it, c)a woman(read 'vamp') dressing up like a 'slut', and flirting with ten men, destroying fifteen households, dishing out slander, abuse and insult for everybody etc, and getting away with it. i do not find these things immoral, indecent, or degrading to the values of society, as these things are shown on a TV channel in which i have a 30% stake, due to my vast amount of black money.
5) demand that globalization is destroying my society; call europeans, americans, and others (in fact everyone on whom i cant force my repulsive opinion) as worthless, indecent etc(well you know the adjectives i shall use, so use your imagination). in fact, i shall have the audacity to claim that everyone apart from me is a jackass, and wrong too.
6) force all unmarried people to consider everyone else as a sibling. how any of them would ever spawn children with such a mindset, is none of my business.
7) claim that sex, making out, being physical in any way at all, is amoral, and shouldnt be done. it is irrelevant that i have sex with five different woman ten times every week. and i neednt be worried about how the human race shall survive. i have enough sex to take care of that.
8) call anyone who doesnt think like me, a jackass.
9) say that reality tv is degrading etc(you know the list), because the reality shows have more trp than my own show (read point 4), and so are eating into my income.
further, as a moral policeman, it shall also be my duty to
1) Refer to religious texts as a source for my absurd, obnoxious and irrelevant statements. my knowledge and understanding of said text does not matter. neither does the real meaning or intention of said text. the only thing that matters, is how i choose to interpret said religious text.
2) Refer to the biographies of obscure politicians of the early 6 century (BC) as a source of my claims that certain activities would never have happened at a certain time.
3) incorrectly quote famous politicians and world leaders in my attempt to justify my statements.
4) imply that a famous personality who i have never met, nor even spoken to, is a famous believer of my moral vales. this kind of false advertisement, is the sort of thing i shall rely on for publicity.
5) misinterpret the statements of people who are now dead, as and when it furthers my obnoxious causes.
i am a moral policeman, and i am a moral policeman because i love to mind other peoples business and lives. i am also a control freak who only wishes to control the lives of everyone. i need to dominate people, otherwise i shall not be happy.
i am a moral poliecman, and i do not apologize for what i am.
if you are a moral policeman too, join the club, and we can share tips. if not, then i shall soon be forcing my own opinion on you, after calling you immoral, indecent, inappropriate, and so on and so forth; so run for your life.
I AM A MORAL POLICEMAN, so sue me.
(disclaimer- the opinions expressed in this article, are not necessarily the authors(that is to say my own) opinion,and he does not claim any responsibility for the above opinions. neither does he advertise them, or suggest them. he is only remarking on an aspect of humanity, and civilization, as far as you are concerned. his own opinion and views, are irrelevant.)
as a moral policeman, it shall be my right to,
1) watch skimpily clad girls, attain a cheap voyeuristic thrill, and then, in a really loud voice, criticize them, and their family, and their upbringing, until they are humiliated enough to bow before me, apologize, and leave me, feeling like a king.
2) go to the USA; while there, indulge in drinking till i puke, have babies i dont know about, contract three different types of addictions and STDs, get cured for them in a private rehab center, and then, upon my return to India, claim that the USA lacks culture, and anyone doing things that they do, is as good as a criminal, and is guilty of degrading my ancient civilizations morals, and cultural heritage, not to mention, degrading the future generations.
3) force woman to stay covered up, and as far as possible, stay at home. i shall never allow any female in my presence, to either be employed, or educated. moreover, i shall ensure that women are kept as down-trodden as possible, because i feel threatened by them]
4) claim that music channels that show 'item-songs' and other such videos, are destroying the culture, future,etc of my great nation. however, i shall not protest when a TV soap shows a) a man cheating on his wife and getting away with it, b) a man killing his brother for the inheritance sakes, and getting away with it, c)a woman(read 'vamp') dressing up like a 'slut', and flirting with ten men, destroying fifteen households, dishing out slander, abuse and insult for everybody etc, and getting away with it. i do not find these things immoral, indecent, or degrading to the values of society, as these things are shown on a TV channel in which i have a 30% stake, due to my vast amount of black money.
5) demand that globalization is destroying my society; call europeans, americans, and others (in fact everyone on whom i cant force my repulsive opinion) as worthless, indecent etc(well you know the adjectives i shall use, so use your imagination). in fact, i shall have the audacity to claim that everyone apart from me is a jackass, and wrong too.
6) force all unmarried people to consider everyone else as a sibling. how any of them would ever spawn children with such a mindset, is none of my business.
7) claim that sex, making out, being physical in any way at all, is amoral, and shouldnt be done. it is irrelevant that i have sex with five different woman ten times every week. and i neednt be worried about how the human race shall survive. i have enough sex to take care of that.
8) call anyone who doesnt think like me, a jackass.
9) say that reality tv is degrading etc(you know the list), because the reality shows have more trp than my own show (read point 4), and so are eating into my income.
further, as a moral policeman, it shall also be my duty to
1) Refer to religious texts as a source for my absurd, obnoxious and irrelevant statements. my knowledge and understanding of said text does not matter. neither does the real meaning or intention of said text. the only thing that matters, is how i choose to interpret said religious text.
2) Refer to the biographies of obscure politicians of the early 6 century (BC) as a source of my claims that certain activities would never have happened at a certain time.
3) incorrectly quote famous politicians and world leaders in my attempt to justify my statements.
4) imply that a famous personality who i have never met, nor even spoken to, is a famous believer of my moral vales. this kind of false advertisement, is the sort of thing i shall rely on for publicity.
5) misinterpret the statements of people who are now dead, as and when it furthers my obnoxious causes.
i am a moral policeman, and i am a moral policeman because i love to mind other peoples business and lives. i am also a control freak who only wishes to control the lives of everyone. i need to dominate people, otherwise i shall not be happy.
i am a moral poliecman, and i do not apologize for what i am.
if you are a moral policeman too, join the club, and we can share tips. if not, then i shall soon be forcing my own opinion on you, after calling you immoral, indecent, inappropriate, and so on and so forth; so run for your life.
I AM A MORAL POLICEMAN, so sue me.
(disclaimer- the opinions expressed in this article, are not necessarily the authors(that is to say my own) opinion,and he does not claim any responsibility for the above opinions. neither does he advertise them, or suggest them. he is only remarking on an aspect of humanity, and civilization, as far as you are concerned. his own opinion and views, are irrelevant.)
Friday, September 10, 2010
Cyber Stalking!
today, i would like to take a moment to apologize to anyone, who i have ever stalked on facebook (which is an extremely short list, consisting of three people i guess), and also to those who i have ever prank called at midnight, or those to whom i've sent random text messages from random numbers. to all these people, i apologize (this list is slightly more extensive).... now dont think i'm going all soft and all that.
the truth is that since yesterday evening, some human being (thats all i know about whoever this is), has been sending me random text messages, and whenever i ask them who they are they decline an answer. for all i know it could be little green aliens who've come to abduct me (ok maybe this is taking things a little too far). but this person, has been sending me random forwards, irrespective of threats, abuse, ridicule, and plain hatred even.
i tell this person to stop pissing me off, they send me another forward, advocating the virtues of friendship. i ask them to at least tell me how they know me, whether its a guy or a girl, and other such questions, and they reply by sending me a text saying, 'ok i'm busy now, so dont text me now, i'll talk to you in the evening'. i send another message saying, 'excuse me, but do me a favour, DO NOT text in the evening, leave me alone!!!', to which this person says, 'I'm busy i'll call you in the evening. bye'
WTF! what is this even about?! i mean why is this person driving me up the wall like this!
and to add insult to injury, this chap even knows my id, and has been leaving me messages to self in my inbox! thankfully i changed my password now, so am sort of safe (hopefully)!
even my remarkable wit is wasted on this person. sample, i ask them their name last night, so they ask me what i'll do with it... so i say, that i'm gonna put out an article in the times of india, mentioning this persons obsession for random stupidity. so they tell me thats a nice idea,and i should go ahead and do it, and use any name i feel like! what? was ? that ? even ? ever ? about?
on a serious note though, this person has shown me just what a pain in the neck it is to have someone play such a prank on you. the worst part is that they're professional, whoever they are. their only intention is to bug me, they havent even played the guessing game with me! this irksome individual has in fact only gone and wasted quite a bit of my time, and energy!
and so, i'd like to ask this person, who so ever it is, to tell me who they are. coz you've had your fun pal and now its painful.
i know, that it is probably a close friend who's playing this prank on me. they're doing it for fun. but its a bloody menace! so please save me from this trouble someone, and get me rid of this stalker!!!!
PS: i know its a stalker. they even left me pics of myself in my email id! jesus christ, save me!
the truth is that since yesterday evening, some human being (thats all i know about whoever this is), has been sending me random text messages, and whenever i ask them who they are they decline an answer. for all i know it could be little green aliens who've come to abduct me (ok maybe this is taking things a little too far). but this person, has been sending me random forwards, irrespective of threats, abuse, ridicule, and plain hatred even.
i tell this person to stop pissing me off, they send me another forward, advocating the virtues of friendship. i ask them to at least tell me how they know me, whether its a guy or a girl, and other such questions, and they reply by sending me a text saying, 'ok i'm busy now, so dont text me now, i'll talk to you in the evening'. i send another message saying, 'excuse me, but do me a favour, DO NOT text in the evening, leave me alone!!!', to which this person says, 'I'm busy i'll call you in the evening. bye'
WTF! what is this even about?! i mean why is this person driving me up the wall like this!
and to add insult to injury, this chap even knows my id, and has been leaving me messages to self in my inbox! thankfully i changed my password now, so am sort of safe (hopefully)!
even my remarkable wit is wasted on this person. sample, i ask them their name last night, so they ask me what i'll do with it... so i say, that i'm gonna put out an article in the times of india, mentioning this persons obsession for random stupidity. so they tell me thats a nice idea,and i should go ahead and do it, and use any name i feel like! what? was ? that ? even ? ever ? about?
on a serious note though, this person has shown me just what a pain in the neck it is to have someone play such a prank on you. the worst part is that they're professional, whoever they are. their only intention is to bug me, they havent even played the guessing game with me! this irksome individual has in fact only gone and wasted quite a bit of my time, and energy!
and so, i'd like to ask this person, who so ever it is, to tell me who they are. coz you've had your fun pal and now its painful.
i know, that it is probably a close friend who's playing this prank on me. they're doing it for fun. but its a bloody menace! so please save me from this trouble someone, and get me rid of this stalker!!!!
PS: i know its a stalker. they even left me pics of myself in my email id! jesus christ, save me!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Reverse Psychology
for quite a long time now, i've known of the benefits of reverse psychology. (for informations sake, it is defined as-The advocacy of one course of action in such a way as to persuade someone to take an opposite course. now dont go and expect me to explain that, look it up in a dictionary!)
getting back to the point, Reverse psychology, at least with me, has so far shown almost a 90% success rate. meaning, that 90%of the times i try out reverse psychology on anyone, it works.
take for example, my father. if i ever need anything, i dont ask him. he already expects me to ask him, and so is always prepared for that alley. instead, i tell him, that everyone wants something. and i tell him that its trivial, something that is probably not even useful. hence i wont even ask for it. besides, even if i asked for it, i wouldnt get it, and so on, i keep saying things like that until its absolutely imprinted in dad's mind that there is something, that i will not ask for, and that everyone's got. this makes him think that its something valuable, and necessary, and soon, i have that thing. and better yet, dad acts like he just got whatever it it as an experiment. for example, i got my cell phone in this way, when dad accidently bought another one just to try a new phone, and then gave it to me! cool eh!
then, there are times when i am someplace that i'm not supposed to be (like for example in a cafe, during the time that i'm supposed to be in class), doing something that i'm not supposed to (for example taking a girl to lunch, not that i've ever done that). so its the middle of the day, i'm supposed to be in class, and my dad, who's supposed to be at work calls. this means that he's checking up on me, because he does that occasionally. and so, he asks me what i'm upto. i pick my most innocent voice, and i tell him exactly what i'm upto. until the time that he had called, he was absolutely certain that that was exactly what i was upto. but when i say it like that, suddenly the doubt sparks in, and he's starting to wonder. this also works wonderfully. he never catches it.
and its not just my dad who falls for this. in fact, my mom is equally gullible. i can convince her to allow me to do almost any kind of crazy stunt i want to (ex: letting me go partying with my friends at odd hours, buy that new CD that i've wanted, and so on). she also falls for it most times.
and then, there are other people too. for example, there was this girl (just a friend), and Will, was supremely interested in her. and she wasnt particularly interested. and so i did my magic. i began talking to her, and told her why Will was the wrong guy, and why he was not to be dated, and so on. soon she fell for his charms!
Reverse psychology truly works, i've tried it, and i know. when we add peoples natural instinct to believe what they want to, to things like this, psychological tactics like these truly work! people are naturally disposed to believe things. and psychologists, know this. and they know just what everyone wants to believe. that is the only reason they are so successful, because they know what we want, and they know how to make it look like that is exactly what we're getting irrespective of reality. (this is why i say that psychologists have actually made it a respectable business to mind other peoples business, and in all ways, to manipulate other peoples lives!)
at the end of the day, there are certain things that we as humans are predisposed to believe, and to want. its almost as if we want to be made a fool of. and anybody who understands this one thing, can easily manipulate people. for such a person, people are like puppets. dangerous eh? (not the way i see it, though. but then, i'm different)
the best part is that i've told you, the magazine that thrives on conspiracy theories (and the one you're secretly fond of, dont deny it), tell you that this is the case. your own bloody sub-conscious tells you this. and yet there is nothing that can be done about it, by you, or me.
now this makes me get wicked ideas!
truly, the day people can find a cure for this, only then shall there be secrets! until then, there are only books to read with different scripts perhaps!
PS: this is not advisable however, and it can lead to lots of problems. for example, i was cutting class once, at a cafe, with friends, and my dad called. he asked me what i was upto, so i told him, and i added spice to it, and ended up saying that i was drinking, smoking, and getting wasted! the next thing i knew was the tight slap across my face! hence, i suggest that if you try this, try it only after lot of careful preparation, and yes, with extreme caution!
adios.
PPS: by the way, niki asked me whether i try such things, as manipulation on her. i looked at her, and said, in my sweetest voice, 'Of course not honey, i'd never do that to you.'
the devil within me is laughing. she fell for it. AGAIN!
oh boy, i love the little sadistic joys of life, sometimes!!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Why i love to read, imagine, and write.
Statuary warning- this is neither funny, nor witty, nor in any way interesting... proceed at your own risk... this is only a self analysis, something i wanted to look into, the workings of my own brain... and, its a simple discourse on why i love to read, imagine, and write, even though i'm probably not a very good writer. if you're still interested, please go ahead and read it. otherwise, u might want to skip this .... that said, i shall continue.
Before i began writing, i began reading. i was somewhere around three or something i guess. at that time, of course my range of reading was limited to things like NODDY. eventually, i grew up a bit, and began reading all sorts of stories in english text-books, or comic books. then, as an eight year old, i was introduced to the world of Enid Blyton, and the famous five, and the secret seven. with them, began my love for adventure stories. by the time i was twelve, i had finished with Enid Blyton, and moved on to the Hardy Boys, which introduced me to detective fiction along with adventure.
then, i read English translations of the great Indian epics, the Mahabharata, and the Ramayana. these great epics introduced me to the concepts of good, evil, righteousness, justice, heroism, victory, defeat, and to a great extent, War. i began to lose my childish ideas of right and wrong, to discover necessity. i realized that the world wasnt black and white, but varying shades of grey. and i discovered that even the Gods were not always the best people to be around (as demonstrated by Krishna, in the Mahabharata).
i also read the Harry Potter series, and well need i say anything about it?
and then, on the Christmas after i turned fourteen, i was gifted three books, 'TheAlchemist'-Paolo Coelho, ' The Hunchback of Notre Dame'-victor hugo, and the greatest epic so far, 'The Lord of the Rings'-J.R.R.Tolkien.
The Alchemist, of course was something that instantly appealed to me, as an adventure story. and i wasnt left wanting for anything after i'd read it. Through the writing of Mr. Coelho, i experienced the struggles of Santiago, and i could feel myself going through those struggles. i could feel the wind on my face, when Santiago converted himself into the wind for the arab war camp. it was truly a great book, one i have read plenty of times again, and one i shall read another time, as and when the opportunity arises.
The hunchback of Notre Dame, was the first time that i read a book, with an average story, but powerful writing, and excellent dramatization. i dont recall either the story, or the concept, but i recall two scenes, one where Quasimodo stands on the top of the Notre Dame, and screams -'Sanctuary. Sanctuary', and another, the ending, where he dies, wrapped around the body of esmeralde. this was the first time, i saw writing skills making something worth my while.
and then there was 'The Lord of the Rings.' for three months, i was scared to even touch this gigantic monster of a book. eventually though, i plucked up the courage, and began reading, and there began a life long love with the fantasy genre. once i had started, i couldnt put it down. the story had connected a million ideas, and together combined them to make a story that has defined half my love life ever since. it had the story of the brave under-dog, who keeps fighting despite terrible odds. it had the story of the ancient hero, who was born to fight the darkness. it had the story of the good wizard, who was a warrior for the light. and it had a story of two beings from rival clans (Gimli and Legolas) thrown in together to find that they'd rather be friends anyway. there was a story of friendship, bravery, loyalty, nobility, love, heroism, war, peace, and a lot more things, that i cant even begin to go into, for lack of time. when i finally put down the book after three days of solid reading, i knew that i needed more of such writings.
then i read Paolini (Eragon). he continued on the virtues thrown by Mr Tolkien, and he took them to further reaches, in his own distinct style. i devoured his books, like a man dying of hunger would tear at bread.
after him came Stroud (the Bartimaeus trilogy). here i came across cheekiness, and humor, and sarcasm, and wit, not to mention charm. and carefully hidden satire. old bartimaeus challenged my faith in the hero who would give up his life for justice (at the end of the day the hero is still dead right). i understood a new side of writing, a side that involves humor, used to throw into sharp relief the other problems in life.
and then came the second greatest fictional epic i have ever read, The Wheel of Time series. this was a more standard epic feature with the smart hero, and the dark lord stereotype. and this had something fresh. the scheming, manipulating magicians, doing what they believe to be the best, irrespective of what others think.
this introduced me also, to the more standard fantasy fodder. through this series, i came across the master of the Fantasy genre, Brandon Sanderson, who has written, and keeps writing the most awesome books ever, including, the Mistborn series, Elantris, Warbreaker, The Way of Kings, and many more to come.
through all these books, i have come to understand such concepts as Heroism, good virtues, bad virtues, the things that a man may do out of necessity, the things that men keep doing out of greed, and well millions of other concepts.
and the sad part is that there just arent enough of these books, to fuel my voracious appetite.
and hence, in all these years, when i havent been reading,i've let my imagination run wild, with what could happen. i've asked myself, what if at this point, aragorn lost the battle? what if Rand did indeed go mad? what if Vin, after receiving the power, became just as idiotic as the lord Ruler before her. initially, i speculated upon the works of others.
eventually, i came up with stories of my own, that i intend to publish someday. and i came up with characters of my own, figments of my not so small imagination. i came up with strong characters, weak characters, bullies, hero's, and every other kind of character possible. and the best part, is that i control the lives of these characters. they live because i give them life. and i experience a part of my life, that i may never experience otherwise, vicariously through them. i shall never myself know the thrill of breaking into a castle to look at a princess, nor the fear of staring at a sword, at the certainty of death. but these characters that live through me, give me back these experiences. and that is why i love them, i love imagining their lives, and i love doing to their lives, what i cant to my own. and that is why i love to read about them, and i love to imagine about them, and i love to write about them. for i can live a million lives apart from my own through them.
perhaps i'm a deluded, idiotic fool, who doesnt want to live in the real world. its quite likely, that that is the case, but i know that as long as i can live in my own little world, with my stories, and my books, and my writing, i shall be happy. and with this knowledge, i can lie safe knowing that i shall experience, not only my own life, but through the lives of these others, the possibilities of a million other lives. if this makes me a crazy loon, so be it. at least i have satisfaction, something that is extremely rare in this world today...
Before i began writing, i began reading. i was somewhere around three or something i guess. at that time, of course my range of reading was limited to things like NODDY. eventually, i grew up a bit, and began reading all sorts of stories in english text-books, or comic books. then, as an eight year old, i was introduced to the world of Enid Blyton, and the famous five, and the secret seven. with them, began my love for adventure stories. by the time i was twelve, i had finished with Enid Blyton, and moved on to the Hardy Boys, which introduced me to detective fiction along with adventure.
then, i read English translations of the great Indian epics, the Mahabharata, and the Ramayana. these great epics introduced me to the concepts of good, evil, righteousness, justice, heroism, victory, defeat, and to a great extent, War. i began to lose my childish ideas of right and wrong, to discover necessity. i realized that the world wasnt black and white, but varying shades of grey. and i discovered that even the Gods were not always the best people to be around (as demonstrated by Krishna, in the Mahabharata).
i also read the Harry Potter series, and well need i say anything about it?
and then, on the Christmas after i turned fourteen, i was gifted three books, 'TheAlchemist'-Paolo Coelho, ' The Hunchback of Notre Dame'-victor hugo, and the greatest epic so far, 'The Lord of the Rings'-J.R.R.Tolkien.
The Alchemist, of course was something that instantly appealed to me, as an adventure story. and i wasnt left wanting for anything after i'd read it. Through the writing of Mr. Coelho, i experienced the struggles of Santiago, and i could feel myself going through those struggles. i could feel the wind on my face, when Santiago converted himself into the wind for the arab war camp. it was truly a great book, one i have read plenty of times again, and one i shall read another time, as and when the opportunity arises.
The hunchback of Notre Dame, was the first time that i read a book, with an average story, but powerful writing, and excellent dramatization. i dont recall either the story, or the concept, but i recall two scenes, one where Quasimodo stands on the top of the Notre Dame, and screams -'Sanctuary. Sanctuary', and another, the ending, where he dies, wrapped around the body of esmeralde. this was the first time, i saw writing skills making something worth my while.
and then there was 'The Lord of the Rings.' for three months, i was scared to even touch this gigantic monster of a book. eventually though, i plucked up the courage, and began reading, and there began a life long love with the fantasy genre. once i had started, i couldnt put it down. the story had connected a million ideas, and together combined them to make a story that has defined half my love life ever since. it had the story of the brave under-dog, who keeps fighting despite terrible odds. it had the story of the ancient hero, who was born to fight the darkness. it had the story of the good wizard, who was a warrior for the light. and it had a story of two beings from rival clans (Gimli and Legolas) thrown in together to find that they'd rather be friends anyway. there was a story of friendship, bravery, loyalty, nobility, love, heroism, war, peace, and a lot more things, that i cant even begin to go into, for lack of time. when i finally put down the book after three days of solid reading, i knew that i needed more of such writings.
then i read Paolini (Eragon). he continued on the virtues thrown by Mr Tolkien, and he took them to further reaches, in his own distinct style. i devoured his books, like a man dying of hunger would tear at bread.
after him came Stroud (the Bartimaeus trilogy). here i came across cheekiness, and humor, and sarcasm, and wit, not to mention charm. and carefully hidden satire. old bartimaeus challenged my faith in the hero who would give up his life for justice (at the end of the day the hero is still dead right). i understood a new side of writing, a side that involves humor, used to throw into sharp relief the other problems in life.
and then came the second greatest fictional epic i have ever read, The Wheel of Time series. this was a more standard epic feature with the smart hero, and the dark lord stereotype. and this had something fresh. the scheming, manipulating magicians, doing what they believe to be the best, irrespective of what others think.
this introduced me also, to the more standard fantasy fodder. through this series, i came across the master of the Fantasy genre, Brandon Sanderson, who has written, and keeps writing the most awesome books ever, including, the Mistborn series, Elantris, Warbreaker, The Way of Kings, and many more to come.
through all these books, i have come to understand such concepts as Heroism, good virtues, bad virtues, the things that a man may do out of necessity, the things that men keep doing out of greed, and well millions of other concepts.
and the sad part is that there just arent enough of these books, to fuel my voracious appetite.
and hence, in all these years, when i havent been reading,i've let my imagination run wild, with what could happen. i've asked myself, what if at this point, aragorn lost the battle? what if Rand did indeed go mad? what if Vin, after receiving the power, became just as idiotic as the lord Ruler before her. initially, i speculated upon the works of others.
eventually, i came up with stories of my own, that i intend to publish someday. and i came up with characters of my own, figments of my not so small imagination. i came up with strong characters, weak characters, bullies, hero's, and every other kind of character possible. and the best part, is that i control the lives of these characters. they live because i give them life. and i experience a part of my life, that i may never experience otherwise, vicariously through them. i shall never myself know the thrill of breaking into a castle to look at a princess, nor the fear of staring at a sword, at the certainty of death. but these characters that live through me, give me back these experiences. and that is why i love them, i love imagining their lives, and i love doing to their lives, what i cant to my own. and that is why i love to read about them, and i love to imagine about them, and i love to write about them. for i can live a million lives apart from my own through them.
perhaps i'm a deluded, idiotic fool, who doesnt want to live in the real world. its quite likely, that that is the case, but i know that as long as i can live in my own little world, with my stories, and my books, and my writing, i shall be happy. and with this knowledge, i can lie safe knowing that i shall experience, not only my own life, but through the lives of these others, the possibilities of a million other lives. if this makes me a crazy loon, so be it. at least i have satisfaction, something that is extremely rare in this world today...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
the chicken, the road, and the crossing.....
it is an often asked query- 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'
to say the least, it's an interesting question; a question with a million possible answers. and behind each of those answers, lies an in-depth understanding of the man who answered the question. in fact, i'd go so far to suggest, that one might even judge the character of a man, based on how he answers this question.
for example:
-Sir Isaac Newton, was a man devoted to physics, and would probably answer, 'A chicken at rest tends to stay at rest, a chicken at motion, tends to cross the road.' unsurprising answer honestly, though in all fairness, physicists still revere him, and not me, so such answers do work!
-Confucius, the great philosopher, and a man of infinite mystery, would probably have said- 'The real question here is whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road moved beneath it' after giving this answer, he would then proceed to spend several weeks in conversation with a chicken, at the end of which he would proclaim that he had understood something new about humans, through the example of the chicken. and we would still be trying to figure out what exactly he meant, so thank God he wasnt asked.
-George Bush jr, would probably say, 'We must take the chicken into custody, and find out if it has any nuclear weapons, and if not, we must find out what it knows about the nuclear weapons program in Iraq, and Afghanistan.' thankfully, he has been replaced by their current President, Mr Obama.
-the great yoga guru Baba Ramdev, would answer- 'This chicken has been practicing Yoga for six months now, and it does the pranayam daily. look at the improvement in its health.'
-an MBA graduate, will never answer the above question. instead, he/she shall take the chicken, give it six months solid advertisement, as 'THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD!', and then proceed to sell it for so much money, that you could feed a small african nation with it for six months.
-Robin Sharma, the wonderful author (Of 'The monk who sold his ferrari' fame), would again not provide an answer, but would proceed to write another best selling novel titled, yep you guessed it, 'The Chicken that crossed the Road'
-Cristiano Ronaldo, the great soccer player, might be bold enough to suggest, 'Because i kicked it across.'
-Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, might just be caught on tape telling an undercover journalist, 'Well i dont know why the chick (As in chick, not the baby chicken kind, but chick as in the female kind) crossed the road, but i know where i took her from there on out.'
-And while we're mentioning journalists, journalists would probably not answer at all, but would make it a 'Breaking News' and show it on your television for a few hours straight.
-Army officials in Kashmir/Pakistan occupied Kashmir/China occupied Kashmir might not hold their fire long enough to let the chicken cross the road, hence making the question irrelevant...
-Indian politician Mayawati (or Behenji as she is popularly known as), would first inquire as to the cast of the chicken, and then if it were a SC chicken, she would demand adequate compensation for the poor chicken that had to cross the road.
-MNS chief Raj Thackeray would ask around as to the state that the chicken originated from, and if it were not a Marathi, then he would proceed to demand that the chicken had exploited the Maharashtrians, by using the road, and as such the chicken would then be punished.
-Propagators of the 2012 apocalypse, might end up saying, 'it doesnt matter why it crossed the road. neither the chicken, nor the road shall exist after 21st december 2012.' whatever the fate of the rest of the world, these people really should die on that date!!!
well these are just a few examples to go on with, among others...
but do you notice one recurring theme among all these answers?
in none of these answers, is the chicken ever asked this question. in none of these situations, does the chicken give a damn.
and in none of these situations (perhaps excluding berlusconi, the over-sexed PM), does the person giving the answer give a damn either....
the only people who really give a shit, are the people who hear the answer. the only ones who understand a divine answer in any of these situations, is the perpetual common man.... the only one who will listen to these answers, and wonder as to what a great man it was who said this, is again the common man....
at the end of the day, its not the participants, the performers, the doers, that will give a second thought to this... its the spectators... like you.... like me (considering i actually spent enough time thinking about it, to write about it)...
but eventually, in the greater picture, the chicken never cares about why it crossed the road.... nor does anyone who is asked this question.... it is only we, the people, who find some divine meaning in the crossing of roads and the speculation as to the reasons for crossing....
the funny thing is, that even though i have now come to realize that in the long run, it doesnt matter, i still speculate, and wonder! and so i asked my friends Will and Niki....
Will had something wonderful to say to this, when i asked him why he thought the chicken had crossed the road... at that time, he knew that i was writing this piece. and he didnt know the contents of it.... his response was, 'so that i can read your bloody post, so now get on with it, why dont you?'
obviously Will isnt that concerned about chicken, unless they're on the menu for dinner in which case, he's suddenly very interested...
Niki, was even more unhelpful... she saw this, laughed, and then went on to compliment me about how funny i was... she then proceeded to suggest a few more answers, using her own remarkable wit....
in my desperation to find a final answer to this query, i asked swami, the paranoid know it all..... he had another interesting answer to give me. he said, 'Assume that you are the chicken. believe that you are the chicken. now cross the road, and ask yourself what you have achieved by crossing the road. that my friend shall be your answer.'
at this point, half mad with failure, i sought out God, and gave Him a call (yes i have his number), to ask Him this eternal query! the only thing i heard at the other end was a wonderful lady who said, 'This line is temporarily busy. please try again later.' (and just so you know that is what i hear whenever i call him, so dont bother asking me for the number, it is rarely if ever, available!)
eventually, i gave up on the issue....
much later, at an event where we were asked what our dream of the future was, i answered, 'I Dream of a better world my friends, a World, where a bloody chicken can cross a road without its motives being cross-examined by 5 billion people!'
well now thats one dream that aint coming true too soon.....
to say the least, it's an interesting question; a question with a million possible answers. and behind each of those answers, lies an in-depth understanding of the man who answered the question. in fact, i'd go so far to suggest, that one might even judge the character of a man, based on how he answers this question.
for example:
-Sir Isaac Newton, was a man devoted to physics, and would probably answer, 'A chicken at rest tends to stay at rest, a chicken at motion, tends to cross the road.' unsurprising answer honestly, though in all fairness, physicists still revere him, and not me, so such answers do work!
-Confucius, the great philosopher, and a man of infinite mystery, would probably have said- 'The real question here is whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road moved beneath it' after giving this answer, he would then proceed to spend several weeks in conversation with a chicken, at the end of which he would proclaim that he had understood something new about humans, through the example of the chicken. and we would still be trying to figure out what exactly he meant, so thank God he wasnt asked.
-George Bush jr, would probably say, 'We must take the chicken into custody, and find out if it has any nuclear weapons, and if not, we must find out what it knows about the nuclear weapons program in Iraq, and Afghanistan.' thankfully, he has been replaced by their current President, Mr Obama.
-the great yoga guru Baba Ramdev, would answer- 'This chicken has been practicing Yoga for six months now, and it does the pranayam daily. look at the improvement in its health.'
-an MBA graduate, will never answer the above question. instead, he/she shall take the chicken, give it six months solid advertisement, as 'THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD!', and then proceed to sell it for so much money, that you could feed a small african nation with it for six months.
-Robin Sharma, the wonderful author (Of 'The monk who sold his ferrari' fame), would again not provide an answer, but would proceed to write another best selling novel titled, yep you guessed it, 'The Chicken that crossed the Road'
-Cristiano Ronaldo, the great soccer player, might be bold enough to suggest, 'Because i kicked it across.'
-Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, might just be caught on tape telling an undercover journalist, 'Well i dont know why the chick (As in chick, not the baby chicken kind, but chick as in the female kind) crossed the road, but i know where i took her from there on out.'
-And while we're mentioning journalists, journalists would probably not answer at all, but would make it a 'Breaking News' and show it on your television for a few hours straight.
-Army officials in Kashmir/Pakistan occupied Kashmir/China occupied Kashmir might not hold their fire long enough to let the chicken cross the road, hence making the question irrelevant...
-Indian politician Mayawati (or Behenji as she is popularly known as), would first inquire as to the cast of the chicken, and then if it were a SC chicken, she would demand adequate compensation for the poor chicken that had to cross the road.
-MNS chief Raj Thackeray would ask around as to the state that the chicken originated from, and if it were not a Marathi, then he would proceed to demand that the chicken had exploited the Maharashtrians, by using the road, and as such the chicken would then be punished.
-Propagators of the 2012 apocalypse, might end up saying, 'it doesnt matter why it crossed the road. neither the chicken, nor the road shall exist after 21st december 2012.' whatever the fate of the rest of the world, these people really should die on that date!!!
well these are just a few examples to go on with, among others...
but do you notice one recurring theme among all these answers?
in none of these answers, is the chicken ever asked this question. in none of these situations, does the chicken give a damn.
and in none of these situations (perhaps excluding berlusconi, the over-sexed PM), does the person giving the answer give a damn either....
the only people who really give a shit, are the people who hear the answer. the only ones who understand a divine answer in any of these situations, is the perpetual common man.... the only one who will listen to these answers, and wonder as to what a great man it was who said this, is again the common man....
at the end of the day, its not the participants, the performers, the doers, that will give a second thought to this... its the spectators... like you.... like me (considering i actually spent enough time thinking about it, to write about it)...
but eventually, in the greater picture, the chicken never cares about why it crossed the road.... nor does anyone who is asked this question.... it is only we, the people, who find some divine meaning in the crossing of roads and the speculation as to the reasons for crossing....
the funny thing is, that even though i have now come to realize that in the long run, it doesnt matter, i still speculate, and wonder! and so i asked my friends Will and Niki....
Will had something wonderful to say to this, when i asked him why he thought the chicken had crossed the road... at that time, he knew that i was writing this piece. and he didnt know the contents of it.... his response was, 'so that i can read your bloody post, so now get on with it, why dont you?'
obviously Will isnt that concerned about chicken, unless they're on the menu for dinner in which case, he's suddenly very interested...
Niki, was even more unhelpful... she saw this, laughed, and then went on to compliment me about how funny i was... she then proceeded to suggest a few more answers, using her own remarkable wit....
in my desperation to find a final answer to this query, i asked swami, the paranoid know it all..... he had another interesting answer to give me. he said, 'Assume that you are the chicken. believe that you are the chicken. now cross the road, and ask yourself what you have achieved by crossing the road. that my friend shall be your answer.'
at this point, half mad with failure, i sought out God, and gave Him a call (yes i have his number), to ask Him this eternal query! the only thing i heard at the other end was a wonderful lady who said, 'This line is temporarily busy. please try again later.' (and just so you know that is what i hear whenever i call him, so dont bother asking me for the number, it is rarely if ever, available!)
eventually, i gave up on the issue....
much later, at an event where we were asked what our dream of the future was, i answered, 'I Dream of a better world my friends, a World, where a bloody chicken can cross a road without its motives being cross-examined by 5 billion people!'
well now thats one dream that aint coming true too soon.....
Monday, September 6, 2010
Lying up!
well here i am, with a laptop in my hand, and a blog page open, and a very irate friend beside me, who's very upset that i keep calling him a liar. yes, i openly call this friend a lair, and no, the fact that he is a liar, does not affect my friendship with him. however, i'm having a hard time convincing him that he lies, or in other words he spreads deceit.
before i continue, i suppose its best to introduce you to both this friend, and this little tiff we've been having since the time we were old enough to judge a statement as a lie. this friend, is the wonderful chap Will, to whom i've referred earlier. he, just like me, is an engineering student, with little to do besides watching movies, and reading sci-fi/fantasy books. ever since i've known him, he has maintained that he never speaks a word that is untrue. in fact, i agree with him, he has to date never uttered a single word that is not true.
yet i call him a liar.
i have my reasons, but before i dwell onto them, i suppose its best to give a little essay on LIES. this is of course a futile effort considering the ever smart public. however, just in case there is a moron reading this, i insist on giving this little speech. if you're not interested, you may like to skip the following few passages, until you reach the point where it says- 'Posted by NikD at.....' or in other words, skip this, and go elsewhere!
so, Lies. for quite some time i've wanted to prove Will to be a liar. and so, i decided to study all i could about lying, in the hope of finding some or the other loophole in which i can entangle him, and hence defeat him (i'm like lawyers in this respect. i can, and will, take any advantage offered to me, in my quest to beat Will, and for that matter, any other debate).
According to my plentiful research, lying is basically, an act or intent of deceit. there are of course various types of lies, based on your intention, the severity of the lie, the effects of the lie on yourself, the effects of the lie on others, and of course on the number of people who actually fell for it.
Donald Trump, the great business man, was once asked his opinion about lying in business. he was of the opinion that in business, lying starts from the first time you hand your resume to the interviewer. he went on to say that the Resume is the one greatest lie that everyone says in business. after this, he mentioned the second biggest lie, Advertisement. Advertisement according to him, is the single way a business earns (which is after all the point of any business), and mostly, advertisement is false! however, he then proceeded to say that while all businesses lie, it is more like exaggeration, and hence if he lied, it wasnt really a lie, but advertisement! at this point he was asked, 'when does it become a lie then?' his reaction was simple- 'When the other businessmen do it.'
by saying this, the great man did not just tell it like it is, he also showed a rare piece of honesty in today's world. such is the situation today, that a lie is a lie, only when someone else does it. or of course you get caught.
getting back to the point (from which i think i digressed a long time ago). there are a few types of lies, that seem to fit Will, as i found out. these include,
1)lies of omission- leaving out part of the truth, and hence letting the other person believe something that is false.
2)Careful speaking- speaking the complete truth in such a manner that the other person interprets it to be something other than the truth
3)economical with the truth- basically, holding out on the truth, by saying the bare minimum, or lesser even if possible.
4)misleading- in this case, again there is a misrepresentation of the truth, except here, the liar is doing the misrepresentation, and in careful speaking, the person being lied to is fucking with his or her own brain.
5)jocose lie- an obvious lie, made in jest (paradoxically, this lie actually lets people know the truth!)
then comes a matter of intent.
if a person says a complete truth, in a rather sarcastic tone, meant to imply the opposite of what they said, then while the person may argue that he didnt lie, it doesnt pay to trust this person either! in another case, if a person has an intention of misleading another, and he does so by any available means, while strictly remaining within the parameters of not speaking a lie, then that person is technically lying. then, there is the little matter when someone's intent is to make sure that another person is not hurt. this is called a noble lie, but a deceit nonetheless.
and before i ramble on about deceit, i suppose i'd better get back to the point. i presented Will with these facts this morning. he was surprised to say the least. once he had overcome his shock, he looked at me, his eyes blank. then he said, 'So basically you mean to say that i am not an honest person?'
slowly i nodded, feeling happy, that i had finally beaten my arch-rival in a debate! my nemesis looked at me, as i smiled triumphantly. after a rather dramatic pause, he looked me straight in the eye, then said, 'So you mean to call me a lying, dishonest guy?'
again i nodded, feeling victorious.
then, i noticed the slight gleam in his eyes, and before i could help it, he said, 'So whats your point? when did i claim to not lie? when did i claim to be honest? all i ever said was that i do not speak something that is untrue. please contradict me in that, if you have any sort of argument to present that is.'
the bloody freaking fool!
he used a verbal trick, not to mention a loop-hole, to defeat me yet again! GOD-DAMNIT!!!! i lost yet again, in my daily verbal sparring with Will!!!!!!!!
cursing, i let him go, only awaiting the next opportunity to beat him! some day i will surely defeat him, and that day, i shall stand proud and victorious! until then, he can stay hidden somewhere in my mind. after all, i'm not even sure that he isnt a figment of my own imagination (which is vast, i can assure you).
damn.
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