Recently, we had careers advice in college.
and guess who gives career advice? the same person who tells us how to lie in interviews. the same person who hate me in english class (only in class... outside of that we have very normal interaction!). and we had exams all the f***ing week. and after interviews, we now have careers advice with a teacher. and the advice giving (and if i may add, advice giving that we never asked for) was in the form of a one on one interview kind of thing.
so i walk into a large classroom thats empty. and the only other person in the room is my teacher.
obviously its a recipe for disaster. now before i proceed, let me mention that the exam i had just got out of was one of the most simple subjects ever invented (digital electronics) AND my exam had gone horrible anyway due to silly mistakes.
obviously i was in no mood to take something like this seriously (and not because of the exam. i wouldnt take this seriously even otherwise).
and for some reason, my teacher was in the mood to entertain my non seriousness (and unlike reverse psychology, i DO NOT get discourager. in fact i get encouraged if the teacher is willing to entertain my comments with a laugh)
and so began a lesson in career advice. before i continue, please know that i thoroughly endorse these careers, you must consider them.
Ma'am- good afternoon child. how are you?
me- i'm not so good actually if you must know. i have a bad cold, a headache, and i think what you're trying to do here is a lesson in futility.
her- what am i try to do here? give you advice for your future career? how is that futile?
*notice the lack of things like, please take this seriously and no jokes.*
me- no you're trying to make me take something ridiculous seriously. and its an attempt at futility. why do you bother?
her- well yes that is futility indeed. but cant play along for once?
me- ok. i'll pretend to take this seriously if you can pretend to take my responses to your questions seriously.
her (with a sigh and probably a hundred mental curses regarding her decision to take this job)- very well.
so what sort of career have you thought of for the future?
me- ma'am i;ve considered quite a few actually. as you know, no one doing a comp sc engineering actually wants to bother with a job as a technician in a it firm. we all want to expand our horizons beyond anything that others can imagine. and so i have quite a few options in mind.
her- alright. lets take it from the top. what all did you have in mind?
me- ma'am, what would you say to a career that required me to keep myself in prime physical condition? and work with all sorts of latest technology and latest interpersonal weapons? (because i see a look of genuine confusion on her face) Guns ma'am. and knives, and etc.
her (not sure where this is leading)- you mean as an armyman with specializations in computers? thats a nice option.
me- am sorry ma'am you seem to have not understood me.i mean a career as an assassin and a spy for the indian secret service.
*now i dont know why i said it. i just said it coz it came to my mouth. i had a cold and thinking of anything was out of the question*
her, after a pause probably spent saying things like B******T, F*****U, W**, etc mentally- umm well dont you think thats somewhat ambitious. i mean it would be very tough to get selected you know. wouldnt you consider something a little low key with similar job ...
me, interrupting her- you mean something like a contract killer? because i am absolutely comfortable considering the career options on the other side of the law. so please dont be afraid of suggesting options like those.
her- well i was thinking of something along the lines of joining the cyber crimes department for the police. but yes you can consider this too.
me- no wait. you're right. the cyber crimes thing sounds great. can you imagine the sort of things you can do if you're on the inside of that department. you can pick any thing you want on the internet, and claim you're on that site to check it out as a part of your job. now thats COOL.
her- well no thats not what i meant but ...
me- no wait you're right you put a great suggestion ma'am. and its like any other policemans job except my jurisdiction would be the internet and the people i can bully are from all over the country and i can bully them for a lot more than a thousand ruppee note. its cool.
her- uhh... well yes you could do that. but you mentioned that you had other options in mind?
me- yes indeed ma'am. so what would you say to a job as at a movie set? you know, working for a director with their technical jobs? coz while i know absolutely nothing about that, i do think its neat. i mean you can even hit on the actresses. that nice right.
or you can tell me the scope of a singer in the future? you know like rock and roll? coz while my voice is horrible for singing, i can disguise it with loud noise.
her- well yes uhh thats nice as an option. but why are you in this college if thats what you want to do?
me- wait a second. is this about what i want to do? oh crap. i thought it was just about what i would consider as a career. coz what i want to do, is work from home.
her- well you can do that. you can work with so many companies that work via the internet.
me- so what sort of scope does it bring?
her- well the pay is good enough for professionals. and progress is purely based on the work you put in.
me- but what sort of things will i have to do?
her- well theres consultancy.
me- Nice . i've always wanted to tell people what to do. plus, i can tell them anything i want them to do, and they'll follow it as official policy! (insert drumroll of celebration). i have found the perfect job. now i only need to find people dumb enough to do that.
her- well thats not exactly what i mea....
me- no its great ma'am. really. you've done your bit for my career.
her- well not yet i havent. what other options did you have?
me- how about a job as a psychologist? coz there also i can exercise my urge to control the lives of others. after all isnt psychology another name for prying into the lives of others and tell them what to do to improve their life?
or there is another job i had in mind. have you a lot of idea of a dacoit's job? like veerappan? or gabbar singh from sholay?
her- well how owuld you use a degree in CSE for that?
me- ma'am have some ingenuity. i could use computers to hack into the transport departments of various firms, find out the means by which they transport their finished goods to delhi, and hijack the goods on the way. this way i can repeatedly attack one firm till it is broke. just imagine for a second the poor owner. he'll keep wondering which of his college ex's got so offended!
her- well yes thats nice but how about you use those same tactics for the police by tracking down law breakers?
me- but thats not cool ma'am. for that matter i could start providing e-security to firms. but its so much cooler to break the e-security provided by others, and then use the knowledge i find to enjoy!
her-NEXT.
me- well theres also a career out there for bank robbery?
her-NEXT!
me- so how about piracy? you know grabbing things that are very costly and redoing them to be cheap?
her- is your next potion kidnapping?
me- actually yes. i even have a couple of victims in mind.
her- do you have any non nefarious purposes in life?
me- of course ma'am.
her- i really think i've had enough pretense for a day you know, so can you stop joking now?
me- but ma'am you started it...
her- so now tell me seriously, what do you want to do all life?
me- it doesnt really matter as long as it pays the bill ma'am. i dont need a job to be happy ma'am. my aspirations can be fulfilled no matter the job. so why dont you just tell me what i should do.
her- have you considered public speaking?
me- politics, yes, because half my nefarious activities seem to lead to a political career if we consider the records of our MP's. at least a few of them who have a million cases against them. so yes that'd work. but again before you complain, you started the joking.
her- ok i;m finished with the amount of time i have to provide each student. so why dont we just pretend this went well? and then we can move on. so go on, you know the way out. it was productive meeting you.
me- the pleasure was all mine ma'am....
some time later-
will- so what sort of job are you gonna have?
me- the unemployment line comes in mind. you?
will- well the same comes to my mind. so wanna start some random business that pays our bills together? we could take it up from there to see where it goes?
me- yeah thats cool.
i guess that is my future career now. business man. not bad. not bad at all.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
the difference between chauvinism and feminism...
if i wasnt afraid of sounding sexist, i'd have said that the answer to this question is- 'If a man does it, he is a chauvinist and a sexist, and if a woman does it, she is a feminist and a progressive thinker, and a womans liberator and the list goes on forever and ever.'
of course since so many females i know are feminist, i darent answer like that. so instead, we go the long way out.
( and this is the point where the feminists are supposed to call me a MCP, and leave. others may continue.)
So chauvinism. chauvinism, is, in its most common usage, when a guy displays an attitude of being superior to women. (by the way, initially, the word itself was supposed to mean an extreme form of patriotism and nationalism. look what they made it to now!) but the thing is, that nowadays, any guy who in any way displays an attitude that a woman perceives as superiority, then the guy is a Male Chauvinistic Pig. and that guy has to live with the social stigma of being a pig, not to mention a chauvinist. meanwhile, girls are being urged to believe that just because they are female, they 'deserve' a special line in the queue for tickets, or a reservation in college seats.
now dont get me wrong. i respect women, and i respect feminists (in fact i once had a crush on a feminist, and it lasted a long time). but i HATE it, when women, in the name of feminism, try to pass themselves off as superior to men. its rare, but it happens.
for instance, i know this guy, who was once meeting a feminist for lunch, and decided to show up with a bouquet. after the events that transpired that day, he never went to the florists. he walked into the restaurant with a bunch of white lilies in his hand (dunno why he bothered so much, it was a professional meeting anyway.) so he walks into the room, expecting to give this lady, who's someone he needs to impress so that she works with his boss, and not their rival, a bunch of flowers as a good way to a first impression.
and that was his fault. of course the lady noticed the flowers. and of course like all women who need expert psychiatric advice, she instantly assumed that the man was a chauvinist (as i anyone with any sense can see, he was just being chivalrous. but then, thats just a polite and nice way of saying chauvinist, just the same way feminist is synonymous with great woman.) and then happened the mother of all misunderstandings.
the female was on the agressive from the beginning. she began it off by attacking him, and not for the flowers. see when the woman saw the flowers, she ASSUMED that he was gonna go all MCP on her, so she had to outdo him, and apparently start the argument. he is a nice guy, and before he sat down, he offered to pull her chair back for her. that was a mistake apparently.
female- excuse me, but do you think i cant hold a chair?
male (unaware of where that came from)- no ma'am only offering to help.
female- do you think i need help? did i ask for it?
male- nope. apologies.
thats not enough is it?
female- you know i see guys like you every day of my life. you think we girls are pretty little flowers that need to be handled with care. well i do not.
male (having lost her when she said pretty little flower)- of course you are pretty.
you can see that that was a mistake.
female, after a long pause where she is looking at him, as if saying - you dared to say that!, and he is looking in the air saying-'oh shit i just said that! shit - excuse me?
male stammering- sorry ma'am.
female thinks she won a minor argument - whatever.
after a bit, when the man tries to ask her for her order and then give the waiter the order the female moves in again and says- i can order for myself thank you.
she then proceeds to make a complex order that even the waiter forgets, and asks him for precisely this and exactly that etc. after three minutes where the waiter is banging his head, she says -thank you that will be all.
after a bit of work conversation the man makes the mistake of making a polite lunch time joke involving a female.
obviously that is mistake.
female- excuse me, but that is extremely sexist of you and i must protest.
lady, it was a funny joke meant for light hearted conversation, not to insult women, so calm down!
male- no i was just making a joke actually.
female- of course.
eventually after a long fruitless conversation, the guy has realized that he isnt getting the deal, and the girl has said things like you men just want to hang around hot women, marry them and then get them to quit their jobs etc.
what was the womans point? that chivalry is pig like behaviour? tell that to the knights of lore dear lady, not is men.
take another instance, where a couple was having dinner with me. the lady, was so dominating, that despite being in the aisle seat, and much closer to the water cooler she asked her bf to get her water, while he was eating and she had finished her meal. what is he a servant? what happened to the womans legs? and they guy just stopped eating and went out like a wimp. now this is not associated with feminism or chauvinism, but this is what the scene will be like if feminism grows unchecked into dominance(the way i see it. feel free to contradict).
then take public transport, where women have reserved seats.
a female friend of mine was recently on the metro and she was on the coach reserved for women. and the metro was obviously full, apart from that coach where there were a couple of empty seats. so this guy,after a long days work, tired and carrying a bag, tries to sit on the empty seat, and he is attacked by women saying, this is the ladies coach, you cant sit here, etc. really, where is that coming from! there are no women standing, and this guy needs a seat, so let him sit!
but no, the women's brigade must argue that the seat is meant for women!
WTF!
by the way my friend supported him. now that is acceptable feminism, and to be encouraged.
and then there are the laws on marriage and rape and molestation. marriage laws at least in india deal with women getting alimony, and women having more of a say in general. (as far as i am aware. must consult my lawyer friend niki about this). and as for rape laws, there is no provision in the indian constitution for a man to claim that a woman has raped him. the constitution does not define a situation where a woman forces a man to have sex with her. of course that happens RARELY, but still at the very least there should be a provision for it! whats worse, women can also take advantage of the sympathy factor 8 times out of ten (if they are smart enough to pull it off).
women today have reservations for college seats (in some places), they have a reservation in Lok Sabha, the laws are with them, and whats worse, they still demand more!
and no, not all women do this. there are some who demand true equality. i respect those. but those are something rare, and there are women who instead, are now demanding that they get more opportunity than men, they get more rights etc.
i mean what do they want? that they become more dominant?!
thats not equality for sure.
and thats not all..
there are also some women, who are anti-feminists. because they use their gender as a weapon. they cry, and weep, saying things like this is how women have always been treated, and such a shame! these are the worst. they should be shot, coz they are clearly not doing anything correct, and yet their examples are used by feminists to make a case against men!
believe me, i do not claim that MCPs are any better. they are equally bad. but why must women learn from them the bad things, and become something that i would like to call a FCP.
what began as a quest for equality has now in cases transformed into a quest for dominance! and that sucks!
and the worst part is that women are still lauded for trying to get the upper hand, and men are hated for it! so yes, as i said, if a man does it, he's a chauvinist, and if a women does it, she's a feminist.
not a good day to be born a man it seems
pity
PS: a friend of mine has asked me to spread the word, you can read his message here, please check it out if i ever made you laugh...
of course since so many females i know are feminist, i darent answer like that. so instead, we go the long way out.
( and this is the point where the feminists are supposed to call me a MCP, and leave. others may continue.)
So chauvinism. chauvinism, is, in its most common usage, when a guy displays an attitude of being superior to women. (by the way, initially, the word itself was supposed to mean an extreme form of patriotism and nationalism. look what they made it to now!) but the thing is, that nowadays, any guy who in any way displays an attitude that a woman perceives as superiority, then the guy is a Male Chauvinistic Pig. and that guy has to live with the social stigma of being a pig, not to mention a chauvinist. meanwhile, girls are being urged to believe that just because they are female, they 'deserve' a special line in the queue for tickets, or a reservation in college seats.
now dont get me wrong. i respect women, and i respect feminists (in fact i once had a crush on a feminist, and it lasted a long time). but i HATE it, when women, in the name of feminism, try to pass themselves off as superior to men. its rare, but it happens.
for instance, i know this guy, who was once meeting a feminist for lunch, and decided to show up with a bouquet. after the events that transpired that day, he never went to the florists. he walked into the restaurant with a bunch of white lilies in his hand (dunno why he bothered so much, it was a professional meeting anyway.) so he walks into the room, expecting to give this lady, who's someone he needs to impress so that she works with his boss, and not their rival, a bunch of flowers as a good way to a first impression.
and that was his fault. of course the lady noticed the flowers. and of course like all women who need expert psychiatric advice, she instantly assumed that the man was a chauvinist (as i anyone with any sense can see, he was just being chivalrous. but then, thats just a polite and nice way of saying chauvinist, just the same way feminist is synonymous with great woman.) and then happened the mother of all misunderstandings.
the female was on the agressive from the beginning. she began it off by attacking him, and not for the flowers. see when the woman saw the flowers, she ASSUMED that he was gonna go all MCP on her, so she had to outdo him, and apparently start the argument. he is a nice guy, and before he sat down, he offered to pull her chair back for her. that was a mistake apparently.
female- excuse me, but do you think i cant hold a chair?
male (unaware of where that came from)- no ma'am only offering to help.
female- do you think i need help? did i ask for it?
male- nope. apologies.
thats not enough is it?
female- you know i see guys like you every day of my life. you think we girls are pretty little flowers that need to be handled with care. well i do not.
male (having lost her when she said pretty little flower)- of course you are pretty.
you can see that that was a mistake.
female, after a long pause where she is looking at him, as if saying - you dared to say that!, and he is looking in the air saying-'oh shit i just said that! shit - excuse me?
male stammering- sorry ma'am.
female thinks she won a minor argument - whatever.
after a bit, when the man tries to ask her for her order and then give the waiter the order the female moves in again and says- i can order for myself thank you.
she then proceeds to make a complex order that even the waiter forgets, and asks him for precisely this and exactly that etc. after three minutes where the waiter is banging his head, she says -thank you that will be all.
after a bit of work conversation the man makes the mistake of making a polite lunch time joke involving a female.
obviously that is mistake.
female- excuse me, but that is extremely sexist of you and i must protest.
lady, it was a funny joke meant for light hearted conversation, not to insult women, so calm down!
male- no i was just making a joke actually.
female- of course.
eventually after a long fruitless conversation, the guy has realized that he isnt getting the deal, and the girl has said things like you men just want to hang around hot women, marry them and then get them to quit their jobs etc.
what was the womans point? that chivalry is pig like behaviour? tell that to the knights of lore dear lady, not is men.
take another instance, where a couple was having dinner with me. the lady, was so dominating, that despite being in the aisle seat, and much closer to the water cooler she asked her bf to get her water, while he was eating and she had finished her meal. what is he a servant? what happened to the womans legs? and they guy just stopped eating and went out like a wimp. now this is not associated with feminism or chauvinism, but this is what the scene will be like if feminism grows unchecked into dominance(the way i see it. feel free to contradict).
then take public transport, where women have reserved seats.
a female friend of mine was recently on the metro and she was on the coach reserved for women. and the metro was obviously full, apart from that coach where there were a couple of empty seats. so this guy,after a long days work, tired and carrying a bag, tries to sit on the empty seat, and he is attacked by women saying, this is the ladies coach, you cant sit here, etc. really, where is that coming from! there are no women standing, and this guy needs a seat, so let him sit!
but no, the women's brigade must argue that the seat is meant for women!
WTF!
by the way my friend supported him. now that is acceptable feminism, and to be encouraged.
and then there are the laws on marriage and rape and molestation. marriage laws at least in india deal with women getting alimony, and women having more of a say in general. (as far as i am aware. must consult my lawyer friend niki about this). and as for rape laws, there is no provision in the indian constitution for a man to claim that a woman has raped him. the constitution does not define a situation where a woman forces a man to have sex with her. of course that happens RARELY, but still at the very least there should be a provision for it! whats worse, women can also take advantage of the sympathy factor 8 times out of ten (if they are smart enough to pull it off).
women today have reservations for college seats (in some places), they have a reservation in Lok Sabha, the laws are with them, and whats worse, they still demand more!
and no, not all women do this. there are some who demand true equality. i respect those. but those are something rare, and there are women who instead, are now demanding that they get more opportunity than men, they get more rights etc.
i mean what do they want? that they become more dominant?!
thats not equality for sure.
and thats not all..
there are also some women, who are anti-feminists. because they use their gender as a weapon. they cry, and weep, saying things like this is how women have always been treated, and such a shame! these are the worst. they should be shot, coz they are clearly not doing anything correct, and yet their examples are used by feminists to make a case against men!
believe me, i do not claim that MCPs are any better. they are equally bad. but why must women learn from them the bad things, and become something that i would like to call a FCP.
what began as a quest for equality has now in cases transformed into a quest for dominance! and that sucks!
and the worst part is that women are still lauded for trying to get the upper hand, and men are hated for it! so yes, as i said, if a man does it, he's a chauvinist, and if a women does it, she's a feminist.
not a good day to be born a man it seems
pity
PS: a friend of mine has asked me to spread the word, you can read his message here, please check it out if i ever made you laugh...
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Rajnikanth, and ROBOT!
Will-So dude, am bored. lets go do something fun.
Me-ok. i'm in. what u got in mind?
Will-lets watch a movie?
Me-Ok. which movie?
Will- how about Robot?
me-Robot? the rajnikant movie? The ROBOT? THE RAJNIKANT?
will- yes. The Robot. plus, its got aishwarya rai. how bad could it be eh?
me-Plus you've seen it already in its tamil avatar. really, why would u wanna do this?
Will-coz i figured its better than the alternatives and coz i really wanted you to see it? oh and it got like what 3.5 stars in the TOI. and 4 in the HT. and thats not even the best source for a review!
me- NO WAY! i am not seeing that movie!
will- nachos on me.
me- i guess i could watch it. i mean it is rajnikanth after all. its the guy they make all those jokes about (for said jokes, refer here and here. i could have repeated the jokes, but 1)i do not tell other peoples jokes, and 2)i dont have the patience to type all those out! and also they are really lame anyway, but whatever). and he is the guy who even Newton is scared of. but jokes apart he is like the God in south india. so there must be some reason behind the hype. and the ratings were so great! lets try it.
will-YAY!
if only a storm had arisen them to wipe me off the face of the earth, i would have been saved the torment of the movie. but then, the great rajni didnt sneeze at that time, so how could a storm have arisen!
so we went to the movie.
it begins inconspicously, with a banner of the producers, and then a visual that says- starring- SUPERSTAR RAJNI. and then after some stuff, it moves to the actual movie.
it begins with the great rajni making a robot (surprise!) he keeps trying to make it work, but alas when he asks it to walk, it stumbles. and so, rajni, in an effort to explain why the robot must look like him, uses a motion stimulator to make the robot copy his movements while walking.
meanwhile, aishwarya rai, whose character is called sana, is trying to contact rajni- who is called professor vaseegaran. she is trying incessantly to reach him, in the process leaving 108 missed calls, 1000 messages, countless (actually they gave a specific figure but i forget it) ims and emails, because she is his girlfriend. eventually, after what i presume must have been a lot of time, rajni successfully makes the robot, which as i already explained looks exactly like him. now at this point of time, he remembers that he has a family, a gf, etc so he goes home, and introduces the robot to his family, who name him chitti (dont ask me, i dont know what that means). finally, he goes to aishwarya rai, who blessedly had no dialogue in the movie up until that point, and hence was doing what she does best, look like a pretty face. now rajni asks her to pardon him, there are some suitably lame jokes about why they shouldnt break up, and eventually after a song and dance sequence, we get to see the villain, a professor bohra. this guy is trying to make robots of his own, but they do not work. he thinks that the reason they dont work is coz there is something wrong with their programming or something. but i beg to disagree, based on the scene, where he asks one of them to shoot, and it ends up attempting to shoot the load (if u dont know what i mean, i really will not explain. not on a public forum !) i just think that this professor bohra guy had been on the wrong websites!
anyway, now that the hero and villain are introduced, the movie moves on to chitti's first public demonstration, where he is suitably admired by the robotics people from all over the world! he apparently has a 1tb ram, 1000tb memory, and some such insane configuration. everyone is suitably awed. one person in the crowd, decides that this robot, which is obviously extremely intelligent, must be asked theological questions, and so he asks him if God exists. the robot, looks at vassegaran, ie: rajnikanth, and says, he created me, he is GOD!
Way to go with self-promotion and self deification Mr Rajnikanth! even the damn pope is afraid of making claims of godhood! but you? never!
well with these facts established, the movie goes on to sana's medical exam, where she uses chitti to cheat in the exam. this is followed by him saving her from goons trying to rape her, despite his battery failing in between the fight scene. vaseegaran is suitably thanked by sana. and there is another song and dance sequence, followed by something that the movie was building upto- chitti's examination by the robotics department, called AIRD, for whatever reason. the head of the department is for some reason that Bohra guy, who nearly makes chitti stab vaseegaran to prove a point, ie: he is unreliable coz he can be made to stab its masters literally. next up, chitti tries to rescue a girl from a burning building, and uncaring of the fact that she is not suitable for public presentation, takes her out into a public area. to avoid the embarrassment, the girl runs,and is run over by a truck.
a sad vaseegaran, tries to redo the robot, by giving it understanding of human emotions, and psyche. this succeeds, bohra is happy, he passes the robot in his evaluation, and vaseegaran is a happy man.
at this point, i skipped out of the movie to escape the movie for some inexplicable reason. a lot of things happened, and i ended up walking into the next theatre and watching the movie playing there for twenty minutes while eating a mars bar. also, as a side note, the movie playing there was literally a leave your brain outside the hall kind of movie, coz it was brainless! anyway.
when i got back, the interval had happened, and the next half had begun. when i pick up the tale again, its sana's birthday party. chitti has fallen in love with her, and a couple of songs have happened. so sana tries to explain to chitti, that he is a robot, and she a human, and hence they cannot have a relationship. chitti argues, most obviously, using the best possible logic, that love is not about sex, u do not need a 'man' to have kids, and so on. if only things had worked out at that point, i'd have been saved the trouble! but alas, things dont work out, and a rejected chitti is left to mope around while recharging. at this point it is revealed that bohra has made a deal with terrorists to sell them working robots.
REMEMBER this is a rajnikanth movie so the terrorist line cannot be a major plotline. afterall, how can someone else be the villain?
and so, bohra tries to corrupt chitti, succeeds,and the next day, in a vital indian army evaluation, chitti messes up the evaluation coz he loves sana (talk about original!)
vasee is upset, he cuts up up chitti into pieces and dumps him in a junkyard. this would have been a suitable ending for a bollywood movie, but this is the superstar rajnikanth. so the story proceeds to bohra, who picks up the junk pieces of chitti, and makes chitti version 2.0, with an additional destruction red chip installed.
version 2.0, is convinced by bohra to take what it wants, ie: sana. meanwhile, sana and vasee are getting married. and so, in an original plotline, chitti kidnaps sana from the wedding.
the next part is where the true genius of rajnikanth comes in. in a long sequence of a police chase, chitti drives through chennai like a maniac, kills like just a hundred cops, does more rash driving (does some accidents, but miraculously, the mercedes he is driving stays intact! now i know which car i wanna buy when i can!) and he does this all, while sana is in the next seat. and u know what, not one of a thousand possible bullets, and other projectiles from the various accidents even comes close to touching her. eventually, chitti is surounded by cops on all sides, so he uses his magnetic fields, to capture their guns, and starts shooting from just bout 100 guns at the same time (the background score at this time, was a really decent ! lots of poor dead cops later, chitti wins, and takes sana back to bohra's lab. here, bohra, is murdered by chitti, and chitti starts multyplying into lots of chitti's! (as i said, bohra could never have been the villian, it was always supposed to be rajni vs rajni!)
after some more mindlessness, a song, some more mindlessness and twenty minutes later, the robots have taken over the AIRD headquarters, and are now nearly indestructible. but remember vaseegaran. he comes to the rescue pretending to be another robot. some more scenes follow, after which chitti realizes that vasee is like a trojan tht has infiltrated his system. so he assembles all his clones together, to test them and find vaseegaran. somehow, vaseegaran manages to stay undetected for like ten minutes. eventually, he literally dazzles the robots to escape with the girl. the robots chase, they combine together to form a sphere,a snake, and other forms to beat the entire chennai police force, and army personnel (just how bad is the indian army?)
so in the final showdown, its chitti's vs vaseegaran. chitti's assemble into a huge man, which tells vasee to F Off, in an innovative method. and vasee captures the original chitti, and somehow, takes out the destruction chip.
!
and no, thats not the end
there is a court hearing, chitti (now made back into a good form) saves vasee's ass, and vasee is told to destroy chitti. chitti dismantles itself, while telling the audience how it failed when given human like attributes.
and well thats finally the end, with the moral science lesson.
the movie ends, i walk out with will.
me-Right, so you saw that, and yet u wanted me to see it?
Will- yeah. it was worth the expression on your face.
me- Really, how did that movie get 4 stars?! and how in gods name is rajnikanth a SUPERSTAR! how? its inexplicable.
will- yeah. well there is a good reason.l you'll understand.
and so we parted, after he nearly murdered me with tht movie.
much later, i got thinking, why did that movie get such a rating?
well according to will, and i cant believe i'm saying this, but i agree, its graphics, robot simulations, and other technical aspects were Truly hollywood like. it was a brilliantly done movie. so well done in fact that one almost ignored the lack of a basic intelligent story and plot, and etc. yes the movie was mindless. yes it insulted my intelligence as a human being. yes, it had nothing sensible in it.
and yes, there is nothing sensible on this blog ever either. but curse me if i'm wrong, rajnikanth pulled of senseless much better than i can ever! and yes, i do see why he is such a super star down south.
but that, like belief in the Gods, is down to personal realization, so i cant instruct u.
(PS: part of the reason is in the mindless south indian stereotype. but only a part. a small part. but other than that, there is a good reason too. forget it!)
Me-ok. i'm in. what u got in mind?
Will-lets watch a movie?
Me-Ok. which movie?
Will- how about Robot?
me-Robot? the rajnikant movie? The ROBOT? THE RAJNIKANT?
will- yes. The Robot. plus, its got aishwarya rai. how bad could it be eh?
me-Plus you've seen it already in its tamil avatar. really, why would u wanna do this?
Will-coz i figured its better than the alternatives and coz i really wanted you to see it? oh and it got like what 3.5 stars in the TOI. and 4 in the HT. and thats not even the best source for a review!
me- NO WAY! i am not seeing that movie!
will- nachos on me.
me- i guess i could watch it. i mean it is rajnikanth after all. its the guy they make all those jokes about (for said jokes, refer here and here. i could have repeated the jokes, but 1)i do not tell other peoples jokes, and 2)i dont have the patience to type all those out! and also they are really lame anyway, but whatever). and he is the guy who even Newton is scared of. but jokes apart he is like the God in south india. so there must be some reason behind the hype. and the ratings were so great! lets try it.
will-YAY!
if only a storm had arisen them to wipe me off the face of the earth, i would have been saved the torment of the movie. but then, the great rajni didnt sneeze at that time, so how could a storm have arisen!
so we went to the movie.
it begins inconspicously, with a banner of the producers, and then a visual that says- starring- SUPERSTAR RAJNI. and then after some stuff, it moves to the actual movie.
it begins with the great rajni making a robot (surprise!) he keeps trying to make it work, but alas when he asks it to walk, it stumbles. and so, rajni, in an effort to explain why the robot must look like him, uses a motion stimulator to make the robot copy his movements while walking.
meanwhile, aishwarya rai, whose character is called sana, is trying to contact rajni- who is called professor vaseegaran. she is trying incessantly to reach him, in the process leaving 108 missed calls, 1000 messages, countless (actually they gave a specific figure but i forget it) ims and emails, because she is his girlfriend. eventually, after what i presume must have been a lot of time, rajni successfully makes the robot, which as i already explained looks exactly like him. now at this point of time, he remembers that he has a family, a gf, etc so he goes home, and introduces the robot to his family, who name him chitti (dont ask me, i dont know what that means). finally, he goes to aishwarya rai, who blessedly had no dialogue in the movie up until that point, and hence was doing what she does best, look like a pretty face. now rajni asks her to pardon him, there are some suitably lame jokes about why they shouldnt break up, and eventually after a song and dance sequence, we get to see the villain, a professor bohra. this guy is trying to make robots of his own, but they do not work. he thinks that the reason they dont work is coz there is something wrong with their programming or something. but i beg to disagree, based on the scene, where he asks one of them to shoot, and it ends up attempting to shoot the load (if u dont know what i mean, i really will not explain. not on a public forum !) i just think that this professor bohra guy had been on the wrong websites!
anyway, now that the hero and villain are introduced, the movie moves on to chitti's first public demonstration, where he is suitably admired by the robotics people from all over the world! he apparently has a 1tb ram, 1000tb memory, and some such insane configuration. everyone is suitably awed. one person in the crowd, decides that this robot, which is obviously extremely intelligent, must be asked theological questions, and so he asks him if God exists. the robot, looks at vassegaran, ie: rajnikanth, and says, he created me, he is GOD!
Way to go with self-promotion and self deification Mr Rajnikanth! even the damn pope is afraid of making claims of godhood! but you? never!
well with these facts established, the movie goes on to sana's medical exam, where she uses chitti to cheat in the exam. this is followed by him saving her from goons trying to rape her, despite his battery failing in between the fight scene. vaseegaran is suitably thanked by sana. and there is another song and dance sequence, followed by something that the movie was building upto- chitti's examination by the robotics department, called AIRD, for whatever reason. the head of the department is for some reason that Bohra guy, who nearly makes chitti stab vaseegaran to prove a point, ie: he is unreliable coz he can be made to stab its masters literally. next up, chitti tries to rescue a girl from a burning building, and uncaring of the fact that she is not suitable for public presentation, takes her out into a public area. to avoid the embarrassment, the girl runs,and is run over by a truck.
a sad vaseegaran, tries to redo the robot, by giving it understanding of human emotions, and psyche. this succeeds, bohra is happy, he passes the robot in his evaluation, and vaseegaran is a happy man.
at this point, i skipped out of the movie to escape the movie for some inexplicable reason. a lot of things happened, and i ended up walking into the next theatre and watching the movie playing there for twenty minutes while eating a mars bar. also, as a side note, the movie playing there was literally a leave your brain outside the hall kind of movie, coz it was brainless! anyway.
when i got back, the interval had happened, and the next half had begun. when i pick up the tale again, its sana's birthday party. chitti has fallen in love with her, and a couple of songs have happened. so sana tries to explain to chitti, that he is a robot, and she a human, and hence they cannot have a relationship. chitti argues, most obviously, using the best possible logic, that love is not about sex, u do not need a 'man' to have kids, and so on. if only things had worked out at that point, i'd have been saved the trouble! but alas, things dont work out, and a rejected chitti is left to mope around while recharging. at this point it is revealed that bohra has made a deal with terrorists to sell them working robots.
REMEMBER this is a rajnikanth movie so the terrorist line cannot be a major plotline. afterall, how can someone else be the villain?
and so, bohra tries to corrupt chitti, succeeds,and the next day, in a vital indian army evaluation, chitti messes up the evaluation coz he loves sana (talk about original!)
vasee is upset, he cuts up up chitti into pieces and dumps him in a junkyard. this would have been a suitable ending for a bollywood movie, but this is the superstar rajnikanth. so the story proceeds to bohra, who picks up the junk pieces of chitti, and makes chitti version 2.0, with an additional destruction red chip installed.
version 2.0, is convinced by bohra to take what it wants, ie: sana. meanwhile, sana and vasee are getting married. and so, in an original plotline, chitti kidnaps sana from the wedding.
the next part is where the true genius of rajnikanth comes in. in a long sequence of a police chase, chitti drives through chennai like a maniac, kills like just a hundred cops, does more rash driving (does some accidents, but miraculously, the mercedes he is driving stays intact! now i know which car i wanna buy when i can!) and he does this all, while sana is in the next seat. and u know what, not one of a thousand possible bullets, and other projectiles from the various accidents even comes close to touching her. eventually, chitti is surounded by cops on all sides, so he uses his magnetic fields, to capture their guns, and starts shooting from just bout 100 guns at the same time (the background score at this time, was a really decent ! lots of poor dead cops later, chitti wins, and takes sana back to bohra's lab. here, bohra, is murdered by chitti, and chitti starts multyplying into lots of chitti's! (as i said, bohra could never have been the villian, it was always supposed to be rajni vs rajni!)
after some more mindlessness, a song, some more mindlessness and twenty minutes later, the robots have taken over the AIRD headquarters, and are now nearly indestructible. but remember vaseegaran. he comes to the rescue pretending to be another robot. some more scenes follow, after which chitti realizes that vasee is like a trojan tht has infiltrated his system. so he assembles all his clones together, to test them and find vaseegaran. somehow, vaseegaran manages to stay undetected for like ten minutes. eventually, he literally dazzles the robots to escape with the girl. the robots chase, they combine together to form a sphere,a snake, and other forms to beat the entire chennai police force, and army personnel (just how bad is the indian army?)
so in the final showdown, its chitti's vs vaseegaran. chitti's assemble into a huge man, which tells vasee to F Off, in an innovative method. and vasee captures the original chitti, and somehow, takes out the destruction chip.
!
and no, thats not the end
there is a court hearing, chitti (now made back into a good form) saves vasee's ass, and vasee is told to destroy chitti. chitti dismantles itself, while telling the audience how it failed when given human like attributes.
and well thats finally the end, with the moral science lesson.
the movie ends, i walk out with will.
me-Right, so you saw that, and yet u wanted me to see it?
Will- yeah. it was worth the expression on your face.
me- Really, how did that movie get 4 stars?! and how in gods name is rajnikanth a SUPERSTAR! how? its inexplicable.
will- yeah. well there is a good reason.l you'll understand.
and so we parted, after he nearly murdered me with tht movie.
much later, i got thinking, why did that movie get such a rating?
well according to will, and i cant believe i'm saying this, but i agree, its graphics, robot simulations, and other technical aspects were Truly hollywood like. it was a brilliantly done movie. so well done in fact that one almost ignored the lack of a basic intelligent story and plot, and etc. yes the movie was mindless. yes it insulted my intelligence as a human being. yes, it had nothing sensible in it.
and yes, there is nothing sensible on this blog ever either. but curse me if i'm wrong, rajnikanth pulled of senseless much better than i can ever! and yes, i do see why he is such a super star down south.
but that, like belief in the Gods, is down to personal realization, so i cant instruct u.
(PS: part of the reason is in the mindless south indian stereotype. but only a part. a small part. but other than that, there is a good reason too. forget it!)
Monday, October 18, 2010
Immortality? i'd rather die before facing that!
Apparently scientists in some god forsaken part of the world have come up with some god forsaken medical procedure that can prolong human life by about twenty odd years. and some other idiotic fool in some other idiotic place has come up with a separate procedure that can prolong life by about 10 years. and there is another heretical fool who claims that his independent procedure shall enhance life by 13 years. and so on...
then there is this man in another place, who believes that he can undo aging itself, making us perpetually young, at least until the time we die, after which it doesnt really matter actually. (and no, while i do not know the specifics i can however assure you that this procedure does not increase life span, it only makes us live our life as younger people)
interestingly, if we combine these procedures, we should technically end up with quite a significant increase in life span, not to mention the ability to live that life as a thirty year old! thats like having not only your cake, but someone elses cake too! and also eating it all. heavenly isnt it?
according to my nemesis, the english teacher, it is apparently a universal human wish to seek the ability to live longer. why does she attribute such things to ALL humans! why can she not talk only for herself? i for instance, do not seek the ability to live longer, and i have a good reason behind that.
and no the reason has nothing to do with population explosion, wastage of resources, depletion of resources, over taxation of the world, or in any other way affecting such a large scale of events. its a simple reason. before i give the reason, i'll give an example of a fictional character from a story book, who was immortal.
for some reason this character was named wowbagger the infinitely prolonged. and he wasnt born immortal. instead he was made immortal in a scientific experiment that no one has since been able to repeat. initially, he had a great time, making money on insurance schemes that bet on peoples death and betting his friends to death defying experiences. after a while though, he got bored. it was all the fault of sunday afternoons, and afternoon tea proclaimed the story, and now wowbagger was bored!
eventually, he began to curse himself for not dying, and he felt the universe had insulted him by granting him immortality!
finally he ended up renting a space craft, a time machine, and a computer with infinite memory, to keep track of all living creatures, and he came up with a goal, something that defined him. it was not a nice goal. in fact he himself said it was a bad goal. the goal was this- that he would go to every living being that has ever existed, and he would insult them all. and he would do it all in alphabetical order. (obviously it was a sci-fi book which explains the technologies and the immortality)
the book went on to explain that immortality has evil consequences, that can drive people insane!
and that in summary is the reason. if someone becomes immortal, they shall end up bored! after a while, there will be nothing left to do for people if they dont die ever! eventually, we NEED death, if only as a release from mundane day to day life!
or consider life. to live, we dont just need a body. it has been independently concluded by various sources that for life, we need a lot of money, preferably a house in the swiss alps, aged whiskey, french wine, a regular and healthy dose of good food, nightclubs, Mc donalds, italian food, a lamborghini, a mercedes, and a hell lot of more money to keep all of this up. there are a few other things, for the entire list wait up until i put it all up in a future post. as we can see, being undying is just not enough! there are a lot of other things we need for life. and these things need money. and for money we need a job. and for a job we need to spend a load of time. and in a perfect example of a negative feedback loop, we end up with less time, more work, and no life.
.
this is very likely to depress us, cause undue stress and boredom. the point being that if we live longer, we'll long for more of a life, and the more we long, the faster our ability to live is diminished, and the lesser we actually live. at the end of the day, if we become immortal overnight, we're very likely to live bored, depressed, dull lives! and in the end we shall end up not wanting that life anymore!
believe me, its much better while we're mortal and likely to die! so hope to see you dead soon, and we'll meet on the other side where we'll unfortunately be immortal! you can tell me i was right while i still enjoy hearing those words ;)
PS: scientists, researchers, professors, and some clergymen are exemptions. they are all incapable of being bored though very capable of killing through boredom. hence they can be provided immortality, though in the long run we shall all die under their BORING immortal rule. so i guess even they should not get this. ah! pity.
then there is this man in another place, who believes that he can undo aging itself, making us perpetually young, at least until the time we die, after which it doesnt really matter actually. (and no, while i do not know the specifics i can however assure you that this procedure does not increase life span, it only makes us live our life as younger people)
interestingly, if we combine these procedures, we should technically end up with quite a significant increase in life span, not to mention the ability to live that life as a thirty year old! thats like having not only your cake, but someone elses cake too! and also eating it all. heavenly isnt it?
according to my nemesis, the english teacher, it is apparently a universal human wish to seek the ability to live longer. why does she attribute such things to ALL humans! why can she not talk only for herself? i for instance, do not seek the ability to live longer, and i have a good reason behind that.
and no the reason has nothing to do with population explosion, wastage of resources, depletion of resources, over taxation of the world, or in any other way affecting such a large scale of events. its a simple reason. before i give the reason, i'll give an example of a fictional character from a story book, who was immortal.
for some reason this character was named wowbagger the infinitely prolonged. and he wasnt born immortal. instead he was made immortal in a scientific experiment that no one has since been able to repeat. initially, he had a great time, making money on insurance schemes that bet on peoples death and betting his friends to death defying experiences. after a while though, he got bored. it was all the fault of sunday afternoons, and afternoon tea proclaimed the story, and now wowbagger was bored!
eventually, he began to curse himself for not dying, and he felt the universe had insulted him by granting him immortality!
finally he ended up renting a space craft, a time machine, and a computer with infinite memory, to keep track of all living creatures, and he came up with a goal, something that defined him. it was not a nice goal. in fact he himself said it was a bad goal. the goal was this- that he would go to every living being that has ever existed, and he would insult them all. and he would do it all in alphabetical order. (obviously it was a sci-fi book which explains the technologies and the immortality)
the book went on to explain that immortality has evil consequences, that can drive people insane!
and that in summary is the reason. if someone becomes immortal, they shall end up bored! after a while, there will be nothing left to do for people if they dont die ever! eventually, we NEED death, if only as a release from mundane day to day life!
or consider life. to live, we dont just need a body. it has been independently concluded by various sources that for life, we need a lot of money, preferably a house in the swiss alps, aged whiskey, french wine, a regular and healthy dose of good food, nightclubs, Mc donalds, italian food, a lamborghini, a mercedes, and a hell lot of more money to keep all of this up. there are a few other things, for the entire list wait up until i put it all up in a future post. as we can see, being undying is just not enough! there are a lot of other things we need for life. and these things need money. and for money we need a job. and for a job we need to spend a load of time. and in a perfect example of a negative feedback loop, we end up with less time, more work, and no life.
.
this is very likely to depress us, cause undue stress and boredom. the point being that if we live longer, we'll long for more of a life, and the more we long, the faster our ability to live is diminished, and the lesser we actually live. at the end of the day, if we become immortal overnight, we're very likely to live bored, depressed, dull lives! and in the end we shall end up not wanting that life anymore!
believe me, its much better while we're mortal and likely to die! so hope to see you dead soon, and we'll meet on the other side where we'll unfortunately be immortal! you can tell me i was right while i still enjoy hearing those words ;)
PS: scientists, researchers, professors, and some clergymen are exemptions. they are all incapable of being bored though very capable of killing through boredom. hence they can be provided immortality, though in the long run we shall all die under their BORING immortal rule. so i guess even they should not get this. ah! pity.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Killing Lonliness
Time-judging by the darkness in the room, anytime after 8:00 pm IST. Though if we take into account the black curtains covering the windows, the time suddenly becomes even more uncertain. Whatever. Does it matter anyway?
Place- as you already read, the windows are covered better than the president covers his/her inability to speak proper english hence you cannot decide where it is. But you may establish as solid fact that it is a very dark room. Does it really matter?
It is a dark room, where the only source of light is a single LCD screen, 16’ wide with its brightness meter set to a very low value. Right in front of the screen is a young man, with an ugly unshaven face and uncut hair. The screen flickers and his face vanishes for a second. You can hear the continuous tapping of a keyboard and the occasional click of a mouse as the man works, presumably on his blog from which he has been absent for a few days because he has a life (or so he would claim on the aforementioned blog).
In the far right corner of the room, right beneath the ancient wooden cupboard, Mr. Rat watches as the boy continues the tapping. Initially he had feared for the boy’s life, when he hadn’t moved off the bed for 87 hours but he was reassured when he saw the boy move to grab a bite out of Mr. Rats favorite tomato flavored potato thingies. Hopefully the boy would leave enough for Mr. Rat and his family (including Mrs. Rat, the young, rebellious Will Rat, and his baby sister Leah Rat). As the time passes, Mr. Rat becomes more and more confident that the boy is safe, and that its only one of those human things, like eating sweet chocolate things at midnight, or watching each other mating on that light screen, TV like thing.
Mr. Rat wonders what his young son Will is upto. Will has recently been indulging in what can best be described as ‘inappropriate socio-rat behavior’. When Mr. Rat had found the lad leaving the room, he had been scared that things would get out of hand, but that hadn’t prepared him for what came next! As if leaving the safety of the room under the pretext of looking for better food hadn’t been enough to ruin the Rat families standing amongst the neighbors from the room across, Will had then gone on to sneak around with their daughter (in broad daylight at that) to the unoccupied room across the hall. What was the lad thinking! Was he planning to leave his father’s shelter behind for that room? Mr. Rat would never understand his son. Maybe it was the new friends he was keeping, such as the lonely single female lizard from the roof and the spider from the wall. Why couldn’t the boy hang out with his childhood friends such as bouncy the frog or greenie the grasshopper! Bah! Generation gap!
Maybe it was time for Mr. Rat to talk to the boy and knock some sense into him. He had even learned cheeky language and talking back and arguing and yelling at parents. There was too much of bad human cinema these days. Maybe Mr. Rat had chosen the wrong boys room. Why couldn’t this boy be more sensitive to the needs of growing rats? Was it appropriate to watch movies like ‘Never Back Down’ or ‘How to rob a bank’. Didn’t he know how corrupting an influence it had on the minds of growing rats? If only Mr. Rat had listened to his father about humans. And why couldn’t Will watch good old things like Tom and Jerry!
Up on the roof, young Will, ‘Lizzie’ the lonely lizard and ‘Creepy’ the spider from the wall are talking. They have recently begun taking a closer inspection of the human. They feel there is much to learn from him. They have been observing him, lying on the extra long bed and looking intently at what they are proud to tell you is the screen of a Dell D630 Laptop, for about 147 hours now. Undoubtedly they idolize him. He is their hero. He keeps an eye out for them. When his roommate, who is thankfully not there these past few days, had suggested that the two boys take out the lizard and the rat infestation as he had called it, this boy had stood up and stood tall (about 6 and a half feet tall. Another thing they have learnt from the laptop as it is called), and he had told the boy to leave them alone, and that they were not harming the boys. Ah! Such a noble soul!
They have made their decision. Today, they shall make contact with the boy, and they shall ask him for help. As is obvious, they have a lot of questions for the boy. And so, they have been preparing a list of questions that they shall ask him as they think the answers shall be meaningful and insightful. One of the first questions on their list is ‘So why have you been lying inert there on your bed for the past few days?’ Though they do not know it, but this is an important question to the boy. It is only now that they have come to realize that the boy has had next to no human contact for the past few days now.
Mr. Rat watches, as his foolish young son goes across the room with his good for nothing friends, friends like the lizard that has no sense of social behavior, the girl who lives all alone in this hostile world! Doesn’t she know what all could happen? And then there is the spider, the one who is rat food, and who should be eaten by his son. Why would Will shame his father so?
He watches as his son walks across to the boys bed, with his wayward friends, and slowly climbs upon it right upto the boys feet. Slowly they poke him. Is this some sort of game, wonders Mr. Rat? If it is, it is a dangerous game. Why can’t kids these days stick with traditional games like bell the cat or so on? Ah children!
The trio walks up to the boy and they poke him in his chest. Until them, he hadn’t noticed them at all. He looks right down and sees them. They wave their hellos to him, just as they saw in the movies on his laptop. Then,
Boy- Why hello there little Rat. And you too, Lizard. And you Spider. Howdy? What brings three enterprising youths such as yourself here, to my bed?
Lizard- Hello sir. We sought some help. Some advice. Some wonderful insight into life that would solve the problems of life. Wont you help us?
Rat- Yes sir, we would really appreciate your help.
Spider- Yes sir. Indeed sir. Please do help.
B- Whoa there, calm down. Steady now. Hold up. Come at me one by one. What can I help you with.
In an undertone, he says- wow I cannot believe that I am having such a whacky dream. This has got to be one of the top five weirdest dreams ever!
Thankfully they do not hear him.
L-Sir, we observe you all the time. We have seen the things you see on your laptop, and we’ve come to realize that you are wise. Very wise. And so we seek your help, to help us lead better lives.
B- Is that so little lizard. Better lives are what the three of you seek? Well tell me, what according to you is a better life?
L- Well sir, a better life would be one where we could all lead more content lives, where we could make our world a better place, one where everyone would be content.
Boy laughs out loud. In the same undertone he says- Yeah right, if I knew the answer to that, I’d be a millionaire already, and I wouldn’t have flea infested rats and woe-begotten lizards on my bed! In a loud voice he proceeds to say- Hmmm. So tell me, what gives you contentment? What is a content life according to you guys?
L-Well sir, a content life for me would be one where I could eat to my full, and live without the social stigma of being a single girl living alone. Also, I would appreciate better lodgings than that crack next to the fan. It gets so hot in there.
B- Oh really? Social stigma? Wow. I didn’t know lizards had society, let alone social stigmas. And what about you, my furry friend?
R- Well sir, I could use some of those potato chips (hope I pronounced that correctly) for a start. My family loves them. And otherwise, yes a content life is where I can have good food, a nice room for my family, and a life where my dad lets me grow up to become my own man, and not be a replica of him.
B in that undertone- Lizards have society and Rats have family problems. Hopefully the spider wont have troubles other than the legs. In a loud voice- Well Spidey, what about you?
S- Me sir. Well, I am mostly content, but I would like it if we could all live as friends and not enemies. See my mother, was bitten by old Will Rat’s father, and he is told off everyday for not eating me. I hate that. Why cant we be friends? If that happened, I suppose I’d be content.
B to himself- Wow! Brilliant!
To all- So let me get this straight. You, Lizard, would like to be accepted by society? And also get good food and nice rooms? That would make you content. And what you want is to be more content. So I’m guessing you will need to become the one who decides social stigmas and who eats every waking moment, and also to have this whole bed to yourself where some one comes and gives you food everyday to be more content? Is that what you really want? And also, let me mention that you seek more contentment. What if once you have this, you want even more contentment? What more? And you Rat? What about you? Potato chips and a father who lets you be makes you content. So more content would be, if your father did what you said, and you got all the food you could eat? And what after that? Even more content? And you spider? You are the trickiest of all. You want everyone to live together as brothers? Tell me, if you get that, what shall you eat? What shall happen to the food chain? My friends, this is the story of the world. This is my own story. We all want things, and these things decide our contentment, and once we have them, we seek more contentment, and we keep seeking and seeking until we forget what contentment is all about. Now look at me for instance. I am content, if I can read good books, and write my own books. And watch the occasional movie. And if I get this, I shall want more things. And more. In effect, I shall never ever be content. My point is that you can never be content, if you aren’t already. That is the secret little ones. To be self content. You must limit your desires, and must learn to be content, instead of hankering after ‘more content’. You must learn to be happy with content, instead of seeking out more content. Of course, no one is happy with that, which is where it all falls down. But yeah, that is the secret.
The trio looks impressed with this knowledge. They proceed to the other questions on their list. Then, before the lizard can ask, Rat improvises.
R- So sir, what about you. Are you content?
Boy looks around, as if having difficulty believing the situation.
B-Well I get by you know. I’m as content as can be. Now take today for instance. Wait what is today? I don’t know, but whatever. So today, and for the past few days, I’ve been alone in the room. I’ve been reading and watching movies and writing, and I’ve not got out of the bed. Now people would say that this is not healthy human behavior. And others would say that I should exercise more, or talk to people more. But I do not miss any of that, or desire any of that. I am content to just lie here all the time, doing what I do best. But other people don’t think this is good enough. So they wont let me be. And I also feel some things missing. I would for instance very much prefer it if my psychiatrists were highly paid professionals instead of rats and lizards. So in another way of seeing it, I am not that content after all. So is it all about the way I see life then? You could say contentment is all about how you perceive it. Maybe even about how you look at life and how good you are at convincing yourself that you are content.
They look even more content.
S-So sir, tell us then, why do you watch these movies. We see them with you sometimes. They are interesting.
B-well that’s just all about entertainment mate. I see these movies to amuse myself. And no there is no hidden meaning in them. After all, even guys like me, who tell others about how to live deserve our fun right.
L-So sir, why don’t more of you humans talk to us, and interact with us.
B-Maybe because their dreams aren’t as ambitious as mine?
L-meaning?
B-no nothing. Forget it. But tell me, why don’t you talk to more of us?
S-Well we tried a lot of times. But take rats here, they accidently spread the bubonic plague. And lizards are for some reason very hated. Same with us spiders. So we avoid you people.
B-Ah! I see. Well hope you guys don’t fear me anymore.
The trio, in various high pitched squeaks- oh no of course not.
B- Well I’ll see you around then, if you’re done.
The trio is dismissed. They return to their lives. They are suitably impressed by the boys monologues. They applaud before leaving. They have found their secret. They shall go back to their rooms that night, as more content beings than before.
The boy questions his mental health; visits a few websites dealing with mental sickness, and then puts it down to lack of sleep, and goes to sleep.
PS: Mr. Rat had a mini heart attack when he saw the antics of his son, but was suitably intrigued upon seeing the behavior of the boy. Maybe the boy is alright. He had heard the boys argument, and shall hence forth live with those arguments in mind. Tomorrow, he shall also preach the boys story to the frogs, and the other neighbors. The boy has instantly changed the life of a group of animals, amphibians and reptiles (not to forget the spiders).
Those who are, like the trio, suitably content, may ignore the rest of the post. For the others-
Two hours later, the boy has gone over his ‘dream’ fifteen times. With a lot of imagination, he proceeds to write about the dream on his blog. This is seen by the editor of a famous magazine, who advertizes it in his magazine. Soon, the boy has published the solution to the worlds problems, in fifteen different languages across 150 countries. He is now the world leader on lifestyle guidance. He frequently meets people like the pope, the Dalai Lama, and their brethren. He is also the most read blogger in history. His books are world renowned, and he is RICH. And he has forgotten that little lesson, to be content.
He fraternizes with the world leaders, he gives spiritual advice to supermodels (only during working hours). He writes another version of his book for sportspersons, he writes a version for dictators, for politicians and for beggars! He drives fast cars, he eats the good food, he drinks the French wine, he does all that and more with the Italian supermodels (or supermodels in general. The nationality doesn’t really matter). One fine day, his body, dies of lack of contentment.
And the rest as they say is history.
Now that’s one dream I wish could become reality.
PPS: The mental health of the author is under strict examination. He is being tested even as you read. Hence he was unavailable to put it up himself, and so I have done him a favor by putting it up in his stead.
Adieu.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
5 things i do not understand...
and yes, i hope to understand these things someday....
1) the writings of philip pullman- having got away with calling the entire system of the church an attempt at dominating the world in his 'His Dark Materials' trilogy, he then proceeded to write a book called-'the good man jesus, the scoundrel christ'. just what is he trying to prove? that he isnt afraid of the church, the pope etc? or that he does not know the difference between good risks and bad risks? agreed that he does make a point with the things he has written, but just how many people would agree with the point ever? that taken along with the risk of writing what i'm sure is after a fashion a 'heretical' text, makes me wonder, did he really achieve anything? i sure hope he did!
oh and there are parts of the 'his dark materials' trilogy that i dont understand either, but what can i do? maybe i just am ignorant!
2) why advertisements work-
most people know, that the simple theory on which advertisements rely upon is LYING. at least half the facts stated in the advertisements, are either false, partly false, or exaggerated... and in some cases, the ads are purely false. and most sensible people know this. yet miraculously, adverts work!! amazing!! its almost as if people want to be cheated and lied to.
3) the music score of the inception movie-
have you seen the movie? have you heard all the sounds, and the effects? do i need to ask if you understood them all?? while we're on the subject, i also did not understand how i was supposed to interpret the movie. there are a good three or four possible interpretations of the story, and i have no idea which to go with!
4) the human ability to insult their own intelligence-
take for example the insult we sometimes give to people- 'I'd insult you, but you wouldnt get the references'. agreed that this is an insult to the other persons awareness, but think about it this way. you're a smart person, who understands everything. then why the hell would you ever consider insulting someone, when you know he or she wouldnt get the references. isnt the whole point of insulting someone supposed to be that they understand it, and feel humiliated? that said, why would you want to even consider an insult they do not understand?
its only sheer coincidence that the other person does get insulted this way. but the bigger insult is on your own sanity.
5) the female ability to say something pleasant, and yet make you feel like you just did something stupid-
take for example, my mother- i tell her, that i just did well in so and so thing, so she says,'i'm your mother, i know.', and she says it in such a manner, that i'm forced to wonder, if she meant something like- i know, you did that great, but what next? i miss the pride though... ignorant me!
take again for example this recent text from niki- 'i'm sorry, you might not like this, but i had to say it. i so wanna hug you.' this was by the way in reference to a favour i did to her, and so she was really pleased and all. however, look at they way she says it, 'sorry, you might not like this'. as soon as i read those words, i'm wondering,' OH SHIT! what did i do wrong? i thought i had done that thing she asked me to do, so what the hell is this about?!?!' and then i read the next part -'i so wanna hug you.' and i'm like wow, she wants to hug me for whatever? well thts nice then, but why would i not like that?
what can i say? the female brain wasnt meant for me to understand! too bad!
though, i do say that one of these days, i'll tell you exactly what all reasons are prevalent in making women tougher to read than an enigma!
if anyone got answers to these things, do try your luck explaining.
1) the writings of philip pullman- having got away with calling the entire system of the church an attempt at dominating the world in his 'His Dark Materials' trilogy, he then proceeded to write a book called-'the good man jesus, the scoundrel christ'. just what is he trying to prove? that he isnt afraid of the church, the pope etc? or that he does not know the difference between good risks and bad risks? agreed that he does make a point with the things he has written, but just how many people would agree with the point ever? that taken along with the risk of writing what i'm sure is after a fashion a 'heretical' text, makes me wonder, did he really achieve anything? i sure hope he did!
oh and there are parts of the 'his dark materials' trilogy that i dont understand either, but what can i do? maybe i just am ignorant!
2) why advertisements work-
most people know, that the simple theory on which advertisements rely upon is LYING. at least half the facts stated in the advertisements, are either false, partly false, or exaggerated... and in some cases, the ads are purely false. and most sensible people know this. yet miraculously, adverts work!! amazing!! its almost as if people want to be cheated and lied to.
3) the music score of the inception movie-
have you seen the movie? have you heard all the sounds, and the effects? do i need to ask if you understood them all?? while we're on the subject, i also did not understand how i was supposed to interpret the movie. there are a good three or four possible interpretations of the story, and i have no idea which to go with!
4) the human ability to insult their own intelligence-
take for example the insult we sometimes give to people- 'I'd insult you, but you wouldnt get the references'. agreed that this is an insult to the other persons awareness, but think about it this way. you're a smart person, who understands everything. then why the hell would you ever consider insulting someone, when you know he or she wouldnt get the references. isnt the whole point of insulting someone supposed to be that they understand it, and feel humiliated? that said, why would you want to even consider an insult they do not understand?
its only sheer coincidence that the other person does get insulted this way. but the bigger insult is on your own sanity.
5) the female ability to say something pleasant, and yet make you feel like you just did something stupid-
take for example, my mother- i tell her, that i just did well in so and so thing, so she says,'i'm your mother, i know.', and she says it in such a manner, that i'm forced to wonder, if she meant something like- i know, you did that great, but what next? i miss the pride though... ignorant me!
take again for example this recent text from niki- 'i'm sorry, you might not like this, but i had to say it. i so wanna hug you.' this was by the way in reference to a favour i did to her, and so she was really pleased and all. however, look at they way she says it, 'sorry, you might not like this'. as soon as i read those words, i'm wondering,' OH SHIT! what did i do wrong? i thought i had done that thing she asked me to do, so what the hell is this about?!?!' and then i read the next part -'i so wanna hug you.' and i'm like wow, she wants to hug me for whatever? well thts nice then, but why would i not like that?
what can i say? the female brain wasnt meant for me to understand! too bad!
though, i do say that one of these days, i'll tell you exactly what all reasons are prevalent in making women tougher to read than an enigma!
if anyone got answers to these things, do try your luck explaining.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
so who did ruin the common wealth games 2010?
in recent times, the CWG2010 has been in the news nearly all the time, and for nearly all the wrong reasons. from the lack of preparation of India to host them, to the lack of hygiene of indians in general (At least according to someone who i refuse to name, though i'd like to ask him to talk for himself and not the rest of india. just because he likes to go to a washroom that the dog uses, does not mean that that is our standard), everything has been under intense scrutiny from media all over the world.
amongst all this talk, s few websites that dont see much of traffic, have started surveys such as-
1)should india be hosting the CWG?
2)is india prepared to host the CWG?
3)can india host the CWG?
4)will the games be a success?
5)who does the fault lie with, if the games are not a success?
5)who does the fault lie with, if the games are not a success?
6)does india have a sense of hygiene? (yes, this exists, though i cant seem to recall where. look for it)
some of these questions got me thinking (ESP 5, which is hence what i shall be talking about).
before i do that though, i hope you realize that its only my innate indianness, which causes me to take the question on the blame game. its an important part of the indian social life, to be a good player off the blame game. its also the most often used weapon in the political structure, as is evident in the remarks of the various dept's saying things like 'we were not the only one's responsible', and 'this mishap happened due to the work that that dept did here' etc.
everyone thrives on handing out blame, and so i shall do the same, by answering their question on who the blame lies with.
and so, for the wasily bored, here is the short answer- it lies with the el nino and the la nina.
go figure out what that answer is all about, you neednt look at the long answer.
and, for the dummies, for whom i could write a separate blog altogether, the blame lies with the rainfall that we have been receiving in north india abundantly for the past one and a half months.
and now the long answer. (here goes)
the blame, if god forbid the commonwealth games do not succeed, lies with the rainfall. ur probably wondering how that is?
lets look at the various problems faced by the commonwealth games-
1)bad roads- most of the roads in delhi, were pretty decent before the rain fall, and only required a little bit in the name of repairs, such as the odd pothole here or there, and the rare lack of proper roads in some places. most roads, could have been repaired in time for the games, but for the rain.
2)various diseases like dengue, malaria, typhoid etc-
none of these diseases would be of any relevance if it didnt rain so much. of course, despite the rain, if we had finished the work for the games earlier, there wouldnt be any random spots where water could collect, and provide a breeding ground for the mosquitoes. but that, as any true indian will testify, is not the way things happen around here. most things happen only at the last minute, and some even after the last minute. hence it is unsurprising that the work was unfinished in time. which puts it all on the rain. the rain gods should have considered the indian inability to work on time.
3)incomplete work-
i ask you to consider the impossibility of working in the rain. when its raining, no work can be done. the time of july, august and september had been set aside by laborers, as the time for the last minute work. but when it rained, the the work couldnt be done. if it hadnt rained of course, everything would have been ready for the games.
4)falling tiles, ceilings, and bridges-
in india, we have an impartial system. everyone from the contractors to the politicians has a cut in money given for a job. this means, that everyone takes their share in the pie. this leaves precious little as you can guess, for the actual work to be done. as a consequence, we have to settle for absurd quality materials for the work. hence, everything is in a weak state as it is. add to that the ability of the bad materials to get worse with rain, and we got ourselves a easy way to make tiles, roofs, or for thta matter bridges collapse. basic thing is, as soon as the first drop fell, the tile was destined to fall.
well these are a few of the problems, and if you can think of more, i'll surely tell you how they are to be blamed on the rain.
end of day, the fault lies purely with the rain
not with corrupt politicians, idiotic bureaucrats, etc. the fault is purely of the rain.
i could have perhaps named a few politicians, or some other people, who are in some little way at fault, but as i said in a previous post, i do not want to die. if i named them, who knows how they might react. another good thing about being in india, the people who take an offense to something someone says, have a habit of making something bad happen to you.
hence, i refrain from saying anything about these people...
PS:as they say, when it rains here, it pours eh?
PPS:
regarding the chap who mentioned hygiene issues. i must say one thing, he unwittingly made a point. ie: them and us, have differing standards of hygiene. we, have a bath everyday, with soap, while they have a shower every couple of days, at least during the time the british had ruled us. also, we do not use toilet paper, but water (if you get what i mean). i wonder who has better standards of hygiene.
on this note, ciao.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Fate, Destiny, or sheer idiocy?
i have often heard mention of fate. it is such an interesting concept, that it was even made a full-fledged character in a famous book about an IITians love story (anything for you ma'am)... and just as often i have heard of destiny, and how different the two are from each other, and whether there is indeed a difference or not.
to clear up matters, i suppose i ought to define the two terms..
FATE is when you go smoke a cigarette in your room, and forget to switch on the exhaust, hence getting caught by your dad.
DESTINY on the other hand, is when you smoke your cigarette in a pub at the other end of town, and your dad inexplicably chooses that time to take a restroom break in the pub on his way back from office.
with fate, you had control of events, but due to your own stupidity, you got caught, were punished, etc. with destiny, you had no control of events, and so it is really not your fault you got caught.
or in other words, your fate is in your own hands, while your destiny is supposed to be pre-determined.
of course it could be argued that if there is such a thing as a man's destiny, then there must be a being that determines. it could also be argued that this being is not the right sort of being, or that the kind of power granted to him is too much for one being or... well the list of arguments goes on, and frankly, if you seek a complete list of possible answers, i suggest you go seek a theologian, or even a religious man, or for that matter, you could start praying to this GOD guy, and then if he does reply, you could start all these arguments with him, and perhaps start your own religion with the answers.
but the simple thing is, that if there is someone who writes your destiny, there is little you can do about it, or to change it.
of course if you were lucky, then that being might be corrupt, gullible, foolish or ridiculous, or in other ways likely to fall for whatever bull shit you can come up with,
but as you know, that goes against the entire argument of GODhood, and hence is to not be considered.
getting back, if there is someone who writes your destiny, then boy, you better start praying, and hope it works, coz there is little you can do.
of course, you could tell the so called GOD being to go to wherever he wants to, ignore him altogether, and pretend that its in your control.
not likely to help much, but well...
alternately, you can believe that there is no such thing as a destiny, but rather a fate, which is again pre-determined, but by your own actions, and hence, it is in your own hands. you can then blame it all on yourself, instead of mucking about with Gods and fancy authors who seek to write your life.
but this would lead to its own set of problems. for example, you shall not be able to blame it on destiny if you fail your exams. you wont be able to blame it on destiny if you do not get a job, and so on. in fact, you will have to accept that it was all in your hands, and that you made a big time mistake. there shall instantly be accountability, and there shall be no blame game, and so you shall have to deal with acceptance, another bad concept for the weak of heart.
in the long run though, it wont make any great difference what you call it.
in the end you shall still fail, you shall still be jobless, and you shall probably still wondering whether it was your fate, or your destiny, or what!
and of course, there is the third possibility. you could call it all folly, go have a good time, and not worry about what it is all about! then, you could spend a lot of time doing whatever pleases you, without having to worry whether you were fated to or destined to.
of course, even this doesnt work in the long run, or theologians would never survive.
in fact, there is little that could work in the long run, and for more details, i sometimes practice classes in theology, religion, and beliefs, specializing in the arcane beliefs of mankind, and hence am capable of answering you. to find answers, visit me, i charge very little, and i assure you the answer shall help.
ps:now dont ask if it is fate, or destiny that you visit me. it just is, and it dont matter what it is!
PPS: i am really not getting anything right today, so i can assure you that i know this made little sense, and was hence totally random, probably had a few incorrect facts, etc. i also know that this was whatever you are currently thinking it is, and i do assure you that next time i shall not fail to dazzle.
until then, so long!
to clear up matters, i suppose i ought to define the two terms..
FATE is when you go smoke a cigarette in your room, and forget to switch on the exhaust, hence getting caught by your dad.
DESTINY on the other hand, is when you smoke your cigarette in a pub at the other end of town, and your dad inexplicably chooses that time to take a restroom break in the pub on his way back from office.
with fate, you had control of events, but due to your own stupidity, you got caught, were punished, etc. with destiny, you had no control of events, and so it is really not your fault you got caught.
or in other words, your fate is in your own hands, while your destiny is supposed to be pre-determined.
of course it could be argued that if there is such a thing as a man's destiny, then there must be a being that determines. it could also be argued that this being is not the right sort of being, or that the kind of power granted to him is too much for one being or... well the list of arguments goes on, and frankly, if you seek a complete list of possible answers, i suggest you go seek a theologian, or even a religious man, or for that matter, you could start praying to this GOD guy, and then if he does reply, you could start all these arguments with him, and perhaps start your own religion with the answers.
but the simple thing is, that if there is someone who writes your destiny, there is little you can do about it, or to change it.
of course if you were lucky, then that being might be corrupt, gullible, foolish or ridiculous, or in other ways likely to fall for whatever bull shit you can come up with,
but as you know, that goes against the entire argument of GODhood, and hence is to not be considered.
getting back, if there is someone who writes your destiny, then boy, you better start praying, and hope it works, coz there is little you can do.
of course, you could tell the so called GOD being to go to wherever he wants to, ignore him altogether, and pretend that its in your control.
not likely to help much, but well...
alternately, you can believe that there is no such thing as a destiny, but rather a fate, which is again pre-determined, but by your own actions, and hence, it is in your own hands. you can then blame it all on yourself, instead of mucking about with Gods and fancy authors who seek to write your life.
but this would lead to its own set of problems. for example, you shall not be able to blame it on destiny if you fail your exams. you wont be able to blame it on destiny if you do not get a job, and so on. in fact, you will have to accept that it was all in your hands, and that you made a big time mistake. there shall instantly be accountability, and there shall be no blame game, and so you shall have to deal with acceptance, another bad concept for the weak of heart.
in the long run though, it wont make any great difference what you call it.
in the end you shall still fail, you shall still be jobless, and you shall probably still wondering whether it was your fate, or your destiny, or what!
and of course, there is the third possibility. you could call it all folly, go have a good time, and not worry about what it is all about! then, you could spend a lot of time doing whatever pleases you, without having to worry whether you were fated to or destined to.
of course, even this doesnt work in the long run, or theologians would never survive.
in fact, there is little that could work in the long run, and for more details, i sometimes practice classes in theology, religion, and beliefs, specializing in the arcane beliefs of mankind, and hence am capable of answering you. to find answers, visit me, i charge very little, and i assure you the answer shall help.
ps:now dont ask if it is fate, or destiny that you visit me. it just is, and it dont matter what it is!
PPS: i am really not getting anything right today, so i can assure you that i know this made little sense, and was hence totally random, probably had a few incorrect facts, etc. i also know that this was whatever you are currently thinking it is, and i do assure you that next time i shall not fail to dazzle.
until then, so long!
honour killings
before any extremist person who is in jail for killing their family members for some or the other reason gets offended, i'd like to mention that i agree with them. they were absolutely right to kill their offspring, because they caught their offspring in compromising positions, etc etc. the only reason i agree though, is that i .....
well......
i dont wanna die....
i mean if they killed their own daughter because she opposed them, here i am not just opposing them, but criticizing them, and insulting them and calling them idiots. i doubt they could accept that, and unfortunately, i do not even have the protection of being a family member! and so, because i wish to live, i shall not criticize them or their actions, but agree with them.
yes sirs and ma'ams, i agree with you people in the back of the jail, who are in there, because of something dubbed honour killings.
and i agree with you people so much, that i shall spread your message in the hope of getting it across to the right people, so that it gets the right kind of message out about you social heroes.
and so, i'll begin by describing for the unaware, the various reasons people are likely to commit an honor killing.
1)the family name was being dishonored by the childs/parents (yes, i recently read a case about a girl killing her mom for the name of honor. it happens) dishonorable activities. and so to protect the family name they killed their own son/daughter/mom/dad/brother/sister/ well you get the general idea. the fact that the rest of the civilized world now hates the killer, and hence his family name even more, is purely co-incidental, and hence inconsequential.
2)the family name would be dishonored, if your shenanigans ever became public, which they will pretty soon, judging by what you were caught doing. hence to prevent such a situation, they shall erase the evidence. obviously, they are incompetent, so they shall get caught and go to jail etc for this, but that is merely a side-loss.
3)it is against our culture to allow the activities you engage in, hence to get rid of the mess, you shall be terminated. that our culture also prohibits crimes such as murder, fails to catch anyones attention.
4)it is against our moral values to act the way you do, so they shall kill you, and give the world better morals. the fact that those same moral values should under no circumstances involve cold-blooded murder is again inconsequential.
5)you are fraternizing with the enemy (religious/political/social/etc. you get the idea), and they disapprove, so bye bye.
as you can see, most of these reasons, are purely selfless, and based on the hope of leaving a better world. afterall, why should a child born out of wedlock be allowed to live? he and his parents are bad for the rest of the world and they provide a bad example for society. and how can someone against our culture and our god be allowed to live? such people are useless buggers and again bad for the society.
i wonder, how can these people who commit such crimes, these warriors of society be criminals, when they actually deserve medals for their actions on behalf of society!
also i'd take a moment to explore why i find these reasons enough, and what exactly the people who got killed did to merit such a punishment.
1) the person who was killed, was in love with someone of a lower caste/same gotra/untouchable/different religion/etc. this is the most frequent given reason, and while one of them can still be justified in terms of pure science, the same reason which justifies that also makes the others look like lucrative schemes. the reason is simple.
people of the same gotra share same ancestors, upto atleast two generations up, due to which they have a large, common gene pool, which can lead to in-breeding and spread of a number of genetic diseases. however due to this same reason, it suddenly becomes a great idea to marry in as different a caste/creed/country as you can manage, to bring in a new addition to the gene pool!
2) the person who was killed, was indulging in activities that were dishonoring the family name, such as homosexuality/bisexuality/change in religion etc. these people, were not just dishonoring the family name, they were destroying society and their religion, and were hence deserving of their fate. homosexuality for example, is technically a social crime, and is totally a disease as some respected (i dont know about learned though) men have called it. and as any other disease, it should be eradicated.
change of religion, is a crime against god, and an ultimate example of betrayal, and hence deserves death.
and so on and so forth, the mistakes of people go.
amazingly though, it is known as fact, that
1)there are more people on jail for committing crimes related to honor killing, than there are people who were homosexual.
2)more people are in jail for killing family members, than those who switched their religion from one to the other.
3)more people are in jail for killing their own offspring than are for crimes of love and passion.
4)more homosexuals have contributed to the development of society than murderers
5)more people who switch religion are now promoting peace between their religions, both old and new than people who killed their offspring for such purposes.
6)love, in any form has contributed more to society than hatred and murder.
so the question arises, did the honour killers really do society a service?
did they really do anything great as they shall proclaim onto their death-day?
did they really take out the filth from the world, or actually add to the filth?
of course, as i said, in some cases, such as same gotra marriages, the reasons for disapproving are not at all baseless, but do they in fact justify killing?
is killing, murder, and hatred the only answer to such activities? can there not be a better solution to this shit?
in short, can they all not try to make the world a better place?
you know what, while i do agree with honor killers (after all, i still want to live. if osama put a gun to my head, i guess i'd even consider becoming a jehadi!), but i do think that they have got it all wrong, and they are the ones who should be taught, and given a better education, and for that matter some better sense.
but then, these people who commit honor killings might just be the creations of a deranged mind, so who am i to criticize them?!
ah! chuck it!
damn i do tend to ramble on and on and on!!!
oh crap i guess i need to try to rein myself in!!!!!!
NO WAY! i am unrestrained, and whatever!!!!
ps:-screw you honor killers, go ahead kill me, i hate you, i think you are idiots, you took the life of your own family, you are worse than a butcher, and you deserve death, and worse!
go ahead do whatever you want to to me!!!!!
well......
i dont wanna die....
i mean if they killed their own daughter because she opposed them, here i am not just opposing them, but criticizing them, and insulting them and calling them idiots. i doubt they could accept that, and unfortunately, i do not even have the protection of being a family member! and so, because i wish to live, i shall not criticize them or their actions, but agree with them.
yes sirs and ma'ams, i agree with you people in the back of the jail, who are in there, because of something dubbed honour killings.
and i agree with you people so much, that i shall spread your message in the hope of getting it across to the right people, so that it gets the right kind of message out about you social heroes.
and so, i'll begin by describing for the unaware, the various reasons people are likely to commit an honor killing.
1)the family name was being dishonored by the childs/parents (yes, i recently read a case about a girl killing her mom for the name of honor. it happens) dishonorable activities. and so to protect the family name they killed their own son/daughter/mom/dad/brother/sister/ well you get the general idea. the fact that the rest of the civilized world now hates the killer, and hence his family name even more, is purely co-incidental, and hence inconsequential.
2)the family name would be dishonored, if your shenanigans ever became public, which they will pretty soon, judging by what you were caught doing. hence to prevent such a situation, they shall erase the evidence. obviously, they are incompetent, so they shall get caught and go to jail etc for this, but that is merely a side-loss.
3)it is against our culture to allow the activities you engage in, hence to get rid of the mess, you shall be terminated. that our culture also prohibits crimes such as murder, fails to catch anyones attention.
4)it is against our moral values to act the way you do, so they shall kill you, and give the world better morals. the fact that those same moral values should under no circumstances involve cold-blooded murder is again inconsequential.
5)you are fraternizing with the enemy (religious/political/social/etc. you get the idea), and they disapprove, so bye bye.
as you can see, most of these reasons, are purely selfless, and based on the hope of leaving a better world. afterall, why should a child born out of wedlock be allowed to live? he and his parents are bad for the rest of the world and they provide a bad example for society. and how can someone against our culture and our god be allowed to live? such people are useless buggers and again bad for the society.
i wonder, how can these people who commit such crimes, these warriors of society be criminals, when they actually deserve medals for their actions on behalf of society!
also i'd take a moment to explore why i find these reasons enough, and what exactly the people who got killed did to merit such a punishment.
1) the person who was killed, was in love with someone of a lower caste/same gotra/untouchable/different religion/etc. this is the most frequent given reason, and while one of them can still be justified in terms of pure science, the same reason which justifies that also makes the others look like lucrative schemes. the reason is simple.
people of the same gotra share same ancestors, upto atleast two generations up, due to which they have a large, common gene pool, which can lead to in-breeding and spread of a number of genetic diseases. however due to this same reason, it suddenly becomes a great idea to marry in as different a caste/creed/country as you can manage, to bring in a new addition to the gene pool!
2) the person who was killed, was indulging in activities that were dishonoring the family name, such as homosexuality/bisexuality/change in religion etc. these people, were not just dishonoring the family name, they were destroying society and their religion, and were hence deserving of their fate. homosexuality for example, is technically a social crime, and is totally a disease as some respected (i dont know about learned though) men have called it. and as any other disease, it should be eradicated.
change of religion, is a crime against god, and an ultimate example of betrayal, and hence deserves death.
and so on and so forth, the mistakes of people go.
amazingly though, it is known as fact, that
1)there are more people on jail for committing crimes related to honor killing, than there are people who were homosexual.
2)more people are in jail for killing family members, than those who switched their religion from one to the other.
3)more people are in jail for killing their own offspring than are for crimes of love and passion.
4)more homosexuals have contributed to the development of society than murderers
5)more people who switch religion are now promoting peace between their religions, both old and new than people who killed their offspring for such purposes.
6)love, in any form has contributed more to society than hatred and murder.
so the question arises, did the honour killers really do society a service?
did they really do anything great as they shall proclaim onto their death-day?
did they really take out the filth from the world, or actually add to the filth?
of course, as i said, in some cases, such as same gotra marriages, the reasons for disapproving are not at all baseless, but do they in fact justify killing?
is killing, murder, and hatred the only answer to such activities? can there not be a better solution to this shit?
in short, can they all not try to make the world a better place?
you know what, while i do agree with honor killers (after all, i still want to live. if osama put a gun to my head, i guess i'd even consider becoming a jehadi!), but i do think that they have got it all wrong, and they are the ones who should be taught, and given a better education, and for that matter some better sense.
but then, these people who commit honor killings might just be the creations of a deranged mind, so who am i to criticize them?!
ah! chuck it!
damn i do tend to ramble on and on and on!!!
oh crap i guess i need to try to rein myself in!!!!!!
NO WAY! i am unrestrained, and whatever!!!!
ps:-screw you honor killers, go ahead kill me, i hate you, i think you are idiots, you took the life of your own family, you are worse than a butcher, and you deserve death, and worse!
go ahead do whatever you want to to me!!!!!
Monday, September 20, 2010
of English classes (PART II)
monday morning, and i'm feeling the monday blues.
i've had absolutely no rest all weekend. i slept late on friday, woke up early saturaday, did a lot of roaming around (and stood by for a few hours as my sisters shopped). then i had dinner, and chatted with my three sisters (not to forget my only married sisters husband), and then i kept doing nothing until i finally slept at three, only to wake up at 5:30. all of sunday, i was getting drenched in the rain, and again i did not sleep until midnight. and today, i wake up at 5 to get to college, and i still get late by forty minutes (thankfully the teacher was kind).
and then comes english class!
suddenly i am more awake, more refreshed than i have any right to be. today's class, was something that i've decided to call 'formal Job Interviews for honest, sincere dummies.'
as the title suggests, the topic was regarding Job Interviews. more importantly, it was our teachers attempt to prepare us, for job interviews, by telling us how to convince the interviewer that we are the best liar around, and hence more worthy of the job.
and the method of conducting the class, was by telling us the FAQ's in job interviews, and telling us what are acceptable answers.
if you remember, i had been thrown out last time, and ma'am was not in any mood to relent today either, which was why i was extra cautious, and hence, i didnt give any bright responses. however, i shall tell you what all went through my mind as i listened to the lecture.
as a sample,
Q.Tell us two of your strengths.
the teachers response-
for this question, they do not need to know that you are good at playing a violin, or binge eating. what they need to know are two of your strengths that are valuable in the office, such as things like hard-work, or the ability to get work done on time, or such things. things like these are the things you need to tell them.
my mind-
so basically, everyone should tell them that they are hard-working, punctual, dedicated, sincere, machines, whose sole aim in life is to do your work for you. wow. do i really need such a job?
Q.Tell us about your weaknesses.
the teachers answer-
as humans, we are all prone to weaknesses, such as emotionality, attachment, and so on and so forth. however, the interviewer does not need to know what your true weaknesses are. instead, you should advertise one of your strengths as a weakness. so you can say that sometimes i drive my colleagues too hard, and overwork them, only because i love to do as much work as possible.
my mind-
yes ma'am, when we told them our strengths, we established that we are inhuman robots, who do not suffer from the malady of weakness. why dont we just tell them now that we have no weakness, and we are unlikely to develop any in the future. while we are at it, we could also tell them that we are not humans, but actually machines, constructed by the genius of our college, not to mention our English teacher. we could just tell them that we are robots. if they believe all the other BS we come up with, then it isnt too much of a stretch of imagination to believe that we are in fact a robot.
Q.Where do you see yourself five years from now?
her answer-
some of the common mistakes made by people include giving answers like, 'As the CEO of this firm', or 'As your boss.', or if the candidate is less ambitious, 'In your chair.' kindly avoid these answers, they are over-ambitious & inappropriate. instead, give realistic, appropriate answers, like, 'As a team leader for a JAVA project at your firm.', or maybe, 'As an MBA, in the Marketing Dept of your firm'. things like that are good answers.
my mind- well i agree with you on one thing ma'am, in your chair is a bad answer. i mean what sort of company is this, if the only good career aim there is to grab a chair? if it was a decent firm, they'd buy more chairs.
however, i dont see how over-ambitiousness is a problem, as long as the boss himself is over-ambitious. besides, if i take up a job, why would i settle for being just a team leader ever?
Q.What motivates you?
her answer-
avoid emotional, passionate answers about how your family motivates you, or money motivates you, or the need to make a difference motivates you. the company doesnt want to employ you if you're interested in the environment and greenpeace. a good answer would be, 'challenging tasks motivate me', or 'a bright career, with ample opportunity to progress is the source of my motivation.'
my response-
thank you ma'am for informing me that no one wants to hire a person who wants to clean up the environment, or for that matter, the world. i'm gladdened to know that if you interview me, i shall never get a job. and, i wonder, is the interviewer a dumb fool? does he not know anything about how interviewees will never be honest? isnt he already expecting you to say such BS? why would he ever employ me, if i insult his intelligence?
Q.How well do you handle criticism?
her answer-
tell them that you always take criticism positively. in fact you appreciate criticism as it gives you a chance to improve.
my mind-
Since we have already established that we are robots, i think it makes no difference if we also establish that we are the perfect robot to hire, since you can insult us, criticize us, and do whatever you like, without us raising an eye-brow.
we might as well sum up the whole interview by saying, 'I am Microsoft Office Help version zzz.zzz, and i am humble, i am meek, i can tolerate all bull shit, and do all your work. hire us, so that you can rest easy knowing that we are doing your work for you.'
Q.How do you work under pressure?
her suggestion-
obviously you cannot tell them that you cant handle pressure, or you get irritable if the chips are down.
so tell them that your performance improves in pressure situations, and you work even more efficiently.
my brain-
add 'I improve efficiency and performance, if you give me impossible jobs.' to the advertisement for 'MS Office Help version zzz.zzz.
also, i think i was smiling at this time, which she saw, because she asked me, 'You're still laughing. is everything alright?'
i wanted to say, 'Apart from the fact that i'm paying a college over 2 lakh bucks to teach me how to lie, nothing else at all.' but i think i kept quite.
Q. Tell us five words that describe you.
her idea-
say things like punctual, smart-working, money-wise, passionate, team-worker, calm, responsible, rational, pro-active, fun-loving etc. do not say things like funny, witty, etc.
my idea- scratch the old ad, make a new one, with another line about how i'm all of this and more.
also ma'am, as far as i'm aware, money-wise should be two words. conjugating two words with a hyphen, is only an excuse to sound less verbose than one really is!
Q.Why should we hire you and not the others?
my answer as soon as she asked this, and yes i gave it out loud-
Because i'm a lying, stinking, desperate, jobless pig of an engineer, who needs a job. i am not just a cheat, but also darned selfish, and so you should hire me, and not the others. isnt that what you were expecting, and building it up for all this while?
she only told me that this wouldnt help me get a job,though she did appreciate the joke. also she advised us to give the usual piece of crap about how we are good, and others are bad etc!
Q.What are your career goals?
this one, was again the same advise as where you see yourself five years from now. however since i was encouraged by her appreciation of the joke, i was confident enough to hazard a suggestion- 'to earn big for five years, and retire to write at the age of thirty, or sooner if possible.' of course i gave an inquisitive tone to the statement, so that she could answer instead of getting upset. she told me that it was a better answer than many others.
Q.Are you open to relocation?
apparently, the company isnt asking us this question so much as telling us that it shall relocate us as soon as possible, and so we better be prepared. because the teacher (who's name i shall refrain from telling you), said that the only way to answer this was 'yes', and a prayer that they dont keep us to our word.
Ah! what an unfortunately dishonest world we live in, where we must give a hundred lies to get one job!
Q.How do your colleagues describe you?
the teacher gave us a task for this one. instead of telling us how to answer the question, she sent us all out of the class, one by one, and asked everyone to describe the bugger who was outside.
it was a fun activity, in which we found out just how much miss x, loves her best friend miss z, and how much master c respects master m.
when it was my turn to go outside the class, i definitely cheated, and overhearing what they said. i was gladdened to find out that my classmates think that i am charismatic, opinionated, funny, witty, charming, bold, daring and that i had a great personality. nay it was flattering!
as i said to the teacher later, after the class was over, it was a mercy that the interviewer was asking me the question, and not the rest of the class (basically that the question was being asked to the interviewee, and not his classmates). because when it was me telling someone else what others think of me, i can lie, and i can tell them just how great i am, irrespective of whatever they feel.
of course i dont need to worry, i am after all a great guy ;)
i've had absolutely no rest all weekend. i slept late on friday, woke up early saturaday, did a lot of roaming around (and stood by for a few hours as my sisters shopped). then i had dinner, and chatted with my three sisters (not to forget my only married sisters husband), and then i kept doing nothing until i finally slept at three, only to wake up at 5:30. all of sunday, i was getting drenched in the rain, and again i did not sleep until midnight. and today, i wake up at 5 to get to college, and i still get late by forty minutes (thankfully the teacher was kind).
and then comes english class!
suddenly i am more awake, more refreshed than i have any right to be. today's class, was something that i've decided to call 'formal Job Interviews for honest, sincere dummies.'
as the title suggests, the topic was regarding Job Interviews. more importantly, it was our teachers attempt to prepare us, for job interviews, by telling us how to convince the interviewer that we are the best liar around, and hence more worthy of the job.
and the method of conducting the class, was by telling us the FAQ's in job interviews, and telling us what are acceptable answers.
if you remember, i had been thrown out last time, and ma'am was not in any mood to relent today either, which was why i was extra cautious, and hence, i didnt give any bright responses. however, i shall tell you what all went through my mind as i listened to the lecture.
as a sample,
Q.Tell us two of your strengths.
the teachers response-
for this question, they do not need to know that you are good at playing a violin, or binge eating. what they need to know are two of your strengths that are valuable in the office, such as things like hard-work, or the ability to get work done on time, or such things. things like these are the things you need to tell them.
my mind-
so basically, everyone should tell them that they are hard-working, punctual, dedicated, sincere, machines, whose sole aim in life is to do your work for you. wow. do i really need such a job?
Q.Tell us about your weaknesses.
the teachers answer-
as humans, we are all prone to weaknesses, such as emotionality, attachment, and so on and so forth. however, the interviewer does not need to know what your true weaknesses are. instead, you should advertise one of your strengths as a weakness. so you can say that sometimes i drive my colleagues too hard, and overwork them, only because i love to do as much work as possible.
my mind-
yes ma'am, when we told them our strengths, we established that we are inhuman robots, who do not suffer from the malady of weakness. why dont we just tell them now that we have no weakness, and we are unlikely to develop any in the future. while we are at it, we could also tell them that we are not humans, but actually machines, constructed by the genius of our college, not to mention our English teacher. we could just tell them that we are robots. if they believe all the other BS we come up with, then it isnt too much of a stretch of imagination to believe that we are in fact a robot.
Q.Where do you see yourself five years from now?
her answer-
some of the common mistakes made by people include giving answers like, 'As the CEO of this firm', or 'As your boss.', or if the candidate is less ambitious, 'In your chair.' kindly avoid these answers, they are over-ambitious & inappropriate. instead, give realistic, appropriate answers, like, 'As a team leader for a JAVA project at your firm.', or maybe, 'As an MBA, in the Marketing Dept of your firm'. things like that are good answers.
my mind- well i agree with you on one thing ma'am, in your chair is a bad answer. i mean what sort of company is this, if the only good career aim there is to grab a chair? if it was a decent firm, they'd buy more chairs.
however, i dont see how over-ambitiousness is a problem, as long as the boss himself is over-ambitious. besides, if i take up a job, why would i settle for being just a team leader ever?
Q.What motivates you?
her answer-
avoid emotional, passionate answers about how your family motivates you, or money motivates you, or the need to make a difference motivates you. the company doesnt want to employ you if you're interested in the environment and greenpeace. a good answer would be, 'challenging tasks motivate me', or 'a bright career, with ample opportunity to progress is the source of my motivation.'
my response-
thank you ma'am for informing me that no one wants to hire a person who wants to clean up the environment, or for that matter, the world. i'm gladdened to know that if you interview me, i shall never get a job. and, i wonder, is the interviewer a dumb fool? does he not know anything about how interviewees will never be honest? isnt he already expecting you to say such BS? why would he ever employ me, if i insult his intelligence?
Q.How well do you handle criticism?
her answer-
tell them that you always take criticism positively. in fact you appreciate criticism as it gives you a chance to improve.
my mind-
Since we have already established that we are robots, i think it makes no difference if we also establish that we are the perfect robot to hire, since you can insult us, criticize us, and do whatever you like, without us raising an eye-brow.
we might as well sum up the whole interview by saying, 'I am Microsoft Office Help version zzz.zzz, and i am humble, i am meek, i can tolerate all bull shit, and do all your work. hire us, so that you can rest easy knowing that we are doing your work for you.'
Q.How do you work under pressure?
her suggestion-
obviously you cannot tell them that you cant handle pressure, or you get irritable if the chips are down.
so tell them that your performance improves in pressure situations, and you work even more efficiently.
my brain-
add 'I improve efficiency and performance, if you give me impossible jobs.' to the advertisement for 'MS Office Help version zzz.zzz.
also, i think i was smiling at this time, which she saw, because she asked me, 'You're still laughing. is everything alright?'
i wanted to say, 'Apart from the fact that i'm paying a college over 2 lakh bucks to teach me how to lie, nothing else at all.' but i think i kept quite.
Q. Tell us five words that describe you.
her idea-
say things like punctual, smart-working, money-wise, passionate, team-worker, calm, responsible, rational, pro-active, fun-loving etc. do not say things like funny, witty, etc.
my idea- scratch the old ad, make a new one, with another line about how i'm all of this and more.
also ma'am, as far as i'm aware, money-wise should be two words. conjugating two words with a hyphen, is only an excuse to sound less verbose than one really is!
Q.Why should we hire you and not the others?
my answer as soon as she asked this, and yes i gave it out loud-
Because i'm a lying, stinking, desperate, jobless pig of an engineer, who needs a job. i am not just a cheat, but also darned selfish, and so you should hire me, and not the others. isnt that what you were expecting, and building it up for all this while?
she only told me that this wouldnt help me get a job,though she did appreciate the joke. also she advised us to give the usual piece of crap about how we are good, and others are bad etc!
Q.What are your career goals?
this one, was again the same advise as where you see yourself five years from now. however since i was encouraged by her appreciation of the joke, i was confident enough to hazard a suggestion- 'to earn big for five years, and retire to write at the age of thirty, or sooner if possible.' of course i gave an inquisitive tone to the statement, so that she could answer instead of getting upset. she told me that it was a better answer than many others.
Q.Are you open to relocation?
apparently, the company isnt asking us this question so much as telling us that it shall relocate us as soon as possible, and so we better be prepared. because the teacher (who's name i shall refrain from telling you), said that the only way to answer this was 'yes', and a prayer that they dont keep us to our word.
Ah! what an unfortunately dishonest world we live in, where we must give a hundred lies to get one job!
Q.How do your colleagues describe you?
the teacher gave us a task for this one. instead of telling us how to answer the question, she sent us all out of the class, one by one, and asked everyone to describe the bugger who was outside.
it was a fun activity, in which we found out just how much miss x, loves her best friend miss z, and how much master c respects master m.
when it was my turn to go outside the class, i definitely cheated, and overhearing what they said. i was gladdened to find out that my classmates think that i am charismatic, opinionated, funny, witty, charming, bold, daring and that i had a great personality. nay it was flattering!
as i said to the teacher later, after the class was over, it was a mercy that the interviewer was asking me the question, and not the rest of the class (basically that the question was being asked to the interviewee, and not his classmates). because when it was me telling someone else what others think of me, i can lie, and i can tell them just how great i am, irrespective of whatever they feel.
of course i dont need to worry, i am after all a great guy ;)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Of english classes, and then some
English class. somehow, i have never had a teacher who actually liked me, as my teacher for english. of course, the feelings are mutual, so it aint a big deal. unsurprisingly, i dont get along too well, even with the teacher who currently has the fortune of teaching me English. and so, it is hardly in my best interests to let her teach, and not disrupt her class.
the fact that i love to disrupt classes, and not let a teacher teach, has nothing to do with me disrupting her classes, and it is purely coincidental that i enjoyed disrupting this class.
well two days ago, on thursday, we had an english lecture, at mid-day. and, we had all lectures free up until that point. while this doesnt mean much as such, but the practical advantage is that students can sleep until 11, and then go to college. obviously i leap at such opportunities to sleep late (if i remember correctly, i was up until 3 the previous night, writing on the blog, and then writing in general). and so i woke up at a leisurely pace, got ready at a leisurely pace, and then went to college at an equally leisurely pace. and i got late by about five minutes.
and the teacher was late by 6 minutes, so i was safe.
as soon as our respected teacher got in, she told us the topic of the day, 'Formal E-mails'.
thats the moment, when i decided that i would not let her teach the class.
and so began my attempts at undermining her teaching. she started off with the format.
'at the top you right TO, CC, and BCC', she said. i let her talk. this was not the moment for an attack. as the best tacticians know, there is a time for an attack, and this was the moment to sit back, and let her set herself up for a fall.
after a five minute description for those three columns, she proceeded to the next point, the subject. thats when i knew my first point of attack.
"well children", she said, in an unnecessary patronizing tone, "for the purposes of this class, let us take our topic to be an invitation for a birthday party."
the great napolean bonaparte, once advised that we should not stop our enemies, when they are making a mistake. i wasnt going to stop her either. i let her carry on. "so kids, suggest a suitable subject."
i prepared my assault weapons, and attacked.
me- Ma'am, before we get into the subject itself, i have a doubt regarding the subject you have given us.
her- well do ask me child.
me- Ma'am, if we establish as fact that we are inviting people for a birthday, which is an informal event, why would we bother to send a formal email, instead of the more classical telephone call?
her- well suppose its your colleagues, you cant just invite them like that can you?
me- Ma'am, i think we have established that i consider it to be an informal event. considering that point, i think i'm fully capable of inviting them, by going over to their cubicle, and telling them to show up.
her- but that is unacceptable office behaviour.
me- but then perhaps we should reconsider acceptable office behaviour. because the way i see it, any person should be able to invite any other person for their birthday, in an informal manner. because a birthday is about as informal and unofficial an event as there can be.
her-well, you can try that in your own organization, once you are employed, and until then, please let the rest of the class understand normal, acceptable office behaviour.
the tone in her voice as she said, 'once you are employed', threatened in every sentence, that i would never be employed if she had her way. thankfully, she isnt likely to have her way. i mean, she is the english teacher, not the CSc dept. HOD. she cant do anything.
i paused, to let her make another mistake. she didnt disappoint.
her-so children what should an acceptable subject be?
someone from the class-Ma'am, how about-'birthday invitation'?
her-this is a good example of a bad subject. what is the purpose of the subject?
she paused for effect. then, before anyone else could come up with a plausible answer, she answered her own question.
her-a subject, is used, to let the receiver know what the mail is about, and its supposed to be something that convinces the other person, to open the mail, and read it.
her second mistake. i think i already mentioned napoleans quote.
me-Ma'am as far as those objectives are concerned, Birthday invitation is the perfect subject, because the receiver now knows that he is invited to a birthday party, and he does not know any other details, so, given human nature associated with free parties, he's very likely to open the mail to find out as much as possible.
her-child, your point's get more and more ridiculous. as far as getting marks is concerned, i shall only give marks if the subject includes the date, time, and venue, along with a mention of the fact that its a birthday party.
me-ma'am two questions. are you suggesting that the sole aim of this class, is to get marks? and also, are you then suggesting that the subject be, 'Birthday Invitation, for the 22nd of october 2010, at 4 in the evening, to be held at so and so venue'? because if that is the case, you may as well add another sentence, 'Please show up.', and avoid writing the mail altogether, which in this time of effective time management, would be saving you so much time.
her-nikd, if you plan to hold a job, then the first subject is the one you shall use, and then, you shall write a proper invitation as an email. is that clear?
for her own sakes, i'm glad she chose not to answer my first query.
me- well ma'am thats absolutely clear, and very convenient, considering the fact that holding a job, never figured into my plans.
i think i was getting to her, because she walked up to me, and in a menacing tone, she threatened me.
her- will you let me get on with the class?
me-ma'am is that a question? or...
i let the sentence hang. it was best to leave it to her imagination, which is not as good as mine admittedly, but would certainly serve the purpose.
her- no that is not a question. kindly stop the wisecracks.
see. my teachers need to rely on my kindness.
her- Also, some people have a habit of writing subjects like, 'IMPORTANT!!!', or 'URGENT!!!!!!'. these are inadvisable, because whatis important to you may not be important to the other person.
me-ma'am, this time i have a genuine query. (YA RIGHT!) as far as using a hook to capture their attention is concerned, this would be the perfect hook wouldnt it? because the receiver does not know nothing except that the sender considers this important enough to merit 5 exclamation marks. most people are likely to read the mail if this is the subject.
her-while i agree that they are very likely to read the mail, once they find out that it isnt something life threatening, they are also likely to fire you, especially if they sit on a seat above yours. does that clarify your doubt?
i nodded. i know a lost cause when i see one. if i wanted, i could have let her stay stuck on the subject for the rest of the lecture, but that way, no one would learn anything. if i let her continue, at least people would learn a valuable skill,'HOW TO WRITE AN EMAIL'. in fact, you never know, one of my classmates, might even go on to write a best selling survival guide titled- HOW TO WRITE AN E-MAIL FOR DUMMIES.
and so i let her continue.
she proceeded to carry on with the specifics of email writing, and i let her continue until she reached the salutation. by this point of time, she had come to the conclusion, that with me, and another partner in crime (let us call him john for the purposes of this post), sitting in the class, a birthday invitation was a wrong example. now, the example we were considering was of a complaint to an electronics firm, regarding a malfunctioning AC.
her- the salutation, is always supposed to be 'Dear sir', or 'dear ma'am'.
did she just say, dear sir? did i mention napolean? yes, and yes. good. proceeding.
her- after the salutation, comes the main body, which must be in an appropriate tone. here for example, you must be harsh and rude, and clear. you are the slighted customer, you have a right to protest and demand a new AC.
as she paused to take a breath, i took the opportunity to attack.
me- so are you suggesting, that i call a man 'Dear sir', and then go on and e rude to him until he feels embarrassed enough to do something about it? why call him a dear sir at all, if only i am going to go and be rude to him the next second?
her- because that is the acceptable format, andi shall not entertain any further queries regarding the format.
me- well thats alright ma'am.
i said this in an undertone, and i was hoping she hadnt heard it.
but my hopes were groundless. the next thing she said was.
Her- NIKD, you seem to be a little too cheerful today. is everything fine?
me, again in what i perceived as an undertone- well it must be the vodka from last night.
damned god, she heard that too.
as you can guess, that didnt go down well with her. the next thing i knew, she had asked me to get my ass out of the door. didnt i tell you, she hates me (and i'll let you decide if it is justified or not).
i walked out. the lecture was almost over anyway. but i think i left behind my victorious grin, to remind her that she could throw me out, but that was the best she could ever do. and that at the end of the day, she would have to rely upon throwing me out to win.
my teacher needs to rely upon underhand tricks to kick me out! HA!
the fact that i love to disrupt classes, and not let a teacher teach, has nothing to do with me disrupting her classes, and it is purely coincidental that i enjoyed disrupting this class.
well two days ago, on thursday, we had an english lecture, at mid-day. and, we had all lectures free up until that point. while this doesnt mean much as such, but the practical advantage is that students can sleep until 11, and then go to college. obviously i leap at such opportunities to sleep late (if i remember correctly, i was up until 3 the previous night, writing on the blog, and then writing in general). and so i woke up at a leisurely pace, got ready at a leisurely pace, and then went to college at an equally leisurely pace. and i got late by about five minutes.
and the teacher was late by 6 minutes, so i was safe.
as soon as our respected teacher got in, she told us the topic of the day, 'Formal E-mails'.
thats the moment, when i decided that i would not let her teach the class.
and so began my attempts at undermining her teaching. she started off with the format.
'at the top you right TO, CC, and BCC', she said. i let her talk. this was not the moment for an attack. as the best tacticians know, there is a time for an attack, and this was the moment to sit back, and let her set herself up for a fall.
after a five minute description for those three columns, she proceeded to the next point, the subject. thats when i knew my first point of attack.
"well children", she said, in an unnecessary patronizing tone, "for the purposes of this class, let us take our topic to be an invitation for a birthday party."
the great napolean bonaparte, once advised that we should not stop our enemies, when they are making a mistake. i wasnt going to stop her either. i let her carry on. "so kids, suggest a suitable subject."
i prepared my assault weapons, and attacked.
me- Ma'am, before we get into the subject itself, i have a doubt regarding the subject you have given us.
her- well do ask me child.
me- Ma'am, if we establish as fact that we are inviting people for a birthday, which is an informal event, why would we bother to send a formal email, instead of the more classical telephone call?
her- well suppose its your colleagues, you cant just invite them like that can you?
me- Ma'am, i think we have established that i consider it to be an informal event. considering that point, i think i'm fully capable of inviting them, by going over to their cubicle, and telling them to show up.
her- but that is unacceptable office behaviour.
me- but then perhaps we should reconsider acceptable office behaviour. because the way i see it, any person should be able to invite any other person for their birthday, in an informal manner. because a birthday is about as informal and unofficial an event as there can be.
her-well, you can try that in your own organization, once you are employed, and until then, please let the rest of the class understand normal, acceptable office behaviour.
the tone in her voice as she said, 'once you are employed', threatened in every sentence, that i would never be employed if she had her way. thankfully, she isnt likely to have her way. i mean, she is the english teacher, not the CSc dept. HOD. she cant do anything.
i paused, to let her make another mistake. she didnt disappoint.
her-so children what should an acceptable subject be?
someone from the class-Ma'am, how about-'birthday invitation'?
her-this is a good example of a bad subject. what is the purpose of the subject?
she paused for effect. then, before anyone else could come up with a plausible answer, she answered her own question.
her-a subject, is used, to let the receiver know what the mail is about, and its supposed to be something that convinces the other person, to open the mail, and read it.
her second mistake. i think i already mentioned napoleans quote.
me-Ma'am as far as those objectives are concerned, Birthday invitation is the perfect subject, because the receiver now knows that he is invited to a birthday party, and he does not know any other details, so, given human nature associated with free parties, he's very likely to open the mail to find out as much as possible.
her-child, your point's get more and more ridiculous. as far as getting marks is concerned, i shall only give marks if the subject includes the date, time, and venue, along with a mention of the fact that its a birthday party.
me-ma'am two questions. are you suggesting that the sole aim of this class, is to get marks? and also, are you then suggesting that the subject be, 'Birthday Invitation, for the 22nd of october 2010, at 4 in the evening, to be held at so and so venue'? because if that is the case, you may as well add another sentence, 'Please show up.', and avoid writing the mail altogether, which in this time of effective time management, would be saving you so much time.
her-nikd, if you plan to hold a job, then the first subject is the one you shall use, and then, you shall write a proper invitation as an email. is that clear?
for her own sakes, i'm glad she chose not to answer my first query.
me- well ma'am thats absolutely clear, and very convenient, considering the fact that holding a job, never figured into my plans.
i think i was getting to her, because she walked up to me, and in a menacing tone, she threatened me.
her- will you let me get on with the class?
me-ma'am is that a question? or...
i let the sentence hang. it was best to leave it to her imagination, which is not as good as mine admittedly, but would certainly serve the purpose.
her- no that is not a question. kindly stop the wisecracks.
see. my teachers need to rely on my kindness.
her- Also, some people have a habit of writing subjects like, 'IMPORTANT!!!', or 'URGENT!!!!!!'. these are inadvisable, because whatis important to you may not be important to the other person.
me-ma'am, this time i have a genuine query. (YA RIGHT!) as far as using a hook to capture their attention is concerned, this would be the perfect hook wouldnt it? because the receiver does not know nothing except that the sender considers this important enough to merit 5 exclamation marks. most people are likely to read the mail if this is the subject.
her-while i agree that they are very likely to read the mail, once they find out that it isnt something life threatening, they are also likely to fire you, especially if they sit on a seat above yours. does that clarify your doubt?
i nodded. i know a lost cause when i see one. if i wanted, i could have let her stay stuck on the subject for the rest of the lecture, but that way, no one would learn anything. if i let her continue, at least people would learn a valuable skill,'HOW TO WRITE AN EMAIL'. in fact, you never know, one of my classmates, might even go on to write a best selling survival guide titled- HOW TO WRITE AN E-MAIL FOR DUMMIES.
and so i let her continue.
she proceeded to carry on with the specifics of email writing, and i let her continue until she reached the salutation. by this point of time, she had come to the conclusion, that with me, and another partner in crime (let us call him john for the purposes of this post), sitting in the class, a birthday invitation was a wrong example. now, the example we were considering was of a complaint to an electronics firm, regarding a malfunctioning AC.
her- the salutation, is always supposed to be 'Dear sir', or 'dear ma'am'.
did she just say, dear sir? did i mention napolean? yes, and yes. good. proceeding.
her- after the salutation, comes the main body, which must be in an appropriate tone. here for example, you must be harsh and rude, and clear. you are the slighted customer, you have a right to protest and demand a new AC.
as she paused to take a breath, i took the opportunity to attack.
me- so are you suggesting, that i call a man 'Dear sir', and then go on and e rude to him until he feels embarrassed enough to do something about it? why call him a dear sir at all, if only i am going to go and be rude to him the next second?
her- because that is the acceptable format, andi shall not entertain any further queries regarding the format.
me- well thats alright ma'am.
i said this in an undertone, and i was hoping she hadnt heard it.
but my hopes were groundless. the next thing she said was.
Her- NIKD, you seem to be a little too cheerful today. is everything fine?
me, again in what i perceived as an undertone- well it must be the vodka from last night.
damned god, she heard that too.
as you can guess, that didnt go down well with her. the next thing i knew, she had asked me to get my ass out of the door. didnt i tell you, she hates me (and i'll let you decide if it is justified or not).
i walked out. the lecture was almost over anyway. but i think i left behind my victorious grin, to remind her that she could throw me out, but that was the best she could ever do. and that at the end of the day, she would have to rely upon throwing me out to win.
my teacher needs to rely upon underhand tricks to kick me out! HA!
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