murphy's law is a very simple, elegant, age old adage- anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. basically, it means that whatever can go wrong, is pre-destined to go wrong, and there is nothing you can do about it. in another form, mountaineers in the fifties said that, 'anything that can possibly go wrong, does'. how it is attributed to Mr Murphy, i do not know, but in the fifties and sixties, everyone from the chairman of the Atomic Energy Commision, a Lewis Strauss, to a certain Mr Reilly, were giving their own version, and hoping that it would be attributed to them. Mr Strauss for example said, 'if anything bad can happen, it probably will'. i suppose he was hoping for too much, since he stated that it probably would go wrong, hence he probably wouldnt get to have it named after him. Mr Reilly, associated it to science, by stating it as, ' in any scientific or engineering endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong'. he shouldnt have hoped for it to be his either.
eventually though, after what i feel sure were a series of misfortunes, it was attributed to a Mr Murphy (and i do not know anything about this guy, so if you are extremely curious, like niki, please go on to wikipedia and check for yourself).
i once even tried proving Murphy's law, but as you can guess, everything kept going wrong.
eventually though, i forgot all about it, until last night, which was the time that everything started going wrong.
first off, i was at the gym (predictably. remind me to tell you about my gyming experiences someday), and was doing some simple, basic exercises for the shoulder and chest. and i unfortunately sprained my left wrist. i figured it was a one-off incident, which would soon pass, but little did i know, that i was facing the wrath of Murphy (woe onto me for trying to prove his law wrong!).
soon, i was forced to leave my work-out halfway through, because i was in little condition to carry on with my aching wrist. so i went to the market, to get myself some lemonade, and boiled eggs (i know its not the best combination ever, but whatever). when i got to the market, i realised that my wallet was where i had left it before going to the gym, in my cupboard! cursing my stupidity, and not yet realizing my true ailment, i went back to my hostel room, a full fifteen minute walk, to retrieve my wallet. this time, i did get to the market, only to find the shop that sells eggs, fresh out of boiled eggs, and the guy tells me that he was anyway planning to shut shop early today!
i mentally cursed him ten times, and decided to forgo my eggs. after taking my daily dose of lemonade, i began walking back to my hostel. on the way, i came across another chap that sold eggs. thanking god for my good luck, i got myself two boiled eggs, only to be struck by Murphy, in the form of a barking dog, leaping at me, and stealing my eggs! i didnt give up just then. instead, i tried purchasing another couple of eggs. these ones, were just fine, but then i found out that my money, was all in my cupboard still, and that my wallet was now effectively empty (its part of my little scheme to not overspend. i only ever carry as much money as i presume i shall require). and i realized this after i had eaten.
thankfully the guy who sold (or actually just gave) me the eggs was kind. he only screamed politely. and eventually, he let me talk to some friends who were coincidently going back to their own hostels at the same time. they loaned me the money to get back (so much ruckus over ten bucks! that guy is too mean).
when i got back, i figured that i would try to get on with my story writing. at that opportune moment, my laptop blinked a warning- Low battery. as i plugged it in to charge, the electricity at my hostel winked goodbye. within three minutes, so did my laptop! even then i did not recognize the unmerciful hand of murphy (I'll get back someday you scheming scoundrel).
figuring that i might as well eat dinner, i walked over to the kitchen to discover that i was slightly late, and that even the leftovers from the leftovers were mostly finished. i was so upset, i just grabbed the chef (a fancy term for the cook), and asked him if there was anything to eat. apparently, it was my bad day, and the answer was no. eventually i settled for corn-flakes and milk.
thankfully, my sleep was undisturbed.
then, i woke up this morning to realize that my phone had blinked good night, and was switched off. thankfully my alarm is my mind. as i put it on charge, i found that my toothpaste had finished, and that forgetfull me, i had forgotten to purchase another (this is the third day in a row, so i'm not sure whether to blame it on Murphy or Hanlon*.)
i borrowed my roomies toothpaste (nice guy, even if he uses a not so nice toothpaste. i cant give its name, for the sake of privacy). then, after brushing, i had a bath etc (thank god that was uneventful). while i was dressing, i noticed that i had no ironed, fresh clothes for college. by this time, i didnt have the energy to argue with fate (which is what i thought until then), and so i settled on a half-dirty t-shirt, and a decently old pair of jeans. breakfast was a nice affair, where i split milk all over my not so clean shirt. when i got to college (in a different, slightly more dirty shirt), i was told that there was a viva to be held in the first lecture, and i was up first because my roll number is first in the class. unsurprisingly i was unprepared, and unfailingly the teacher was unabsent**. i gave a forgettable viva (i've always been bad at viva's anyway). and after i was done, the rest of the class proceeded to claim that we had such a tough schedule that they were unprepared and hence deserved another week.
do i need to tell you that the teacher gave them a week?
i spent the next two hours, on a pc which was made in the 90's, trying to write the previous post***. the internet connection was also quite slow. it took me a full two hours to get through with what would otherwise have taken only forty minutes. AND i nearly lost the post twice due to internet timeouts!
i spent the next lecture sneezing (Yes i contracted a cold sometime recently) the next lecture, i spent half sleeping (probably this is because of the teachers boring voice. fortunately i wasnt kicked out). finally came lunch break, and i headed to the library to read the news. guess what, some kids had hogged over the main news-papers, and when i finally did get them, forty minutes later, they were mutilated beyond recognition.
in the next lecture, i was again sneezing, and sniffing, and now coughing (it gets worse, wait for it).
and in the next, a maths lecture, we were given five questions to solve. and i got them all wrong even on the third or forth attempts.
finally free from the absurdity of college, and still unaware of my true malady, i got back to my room. i had lunch, while conversing with my sister, and we carried on the conversation almost until 5 in the evening (bye bye balance). in this time, my laptop caught a virus, cleaned it up, recovered from a major system error, and suddenly started telling me that my copy of windows was NOT GENUINE.
do you know, my copy of windows is an official copy, my laptop is in fact an official laptop of the government of India (its my dads. i've borrowed it for now, until alternative arrangements can be made). thank you microsoft for telling me that the government of india deals in counterfeit windows. at five, sick and tired of the ill-behavior of my laptop, i went to sleep. and i slept all the way till 8, when i awoke to realize that my wrist was still aching, and that i had already missed a day's gym. my copy of windows was still not genuine, my cold was worse, the internet at my hostel was now malfunctioning (well thats gone alright now, THANK GOD), and for dinner, we had a delicacy, which was hence already hogged down by the gluttons i live with.
for the second day running, i ate corn-flakes, and i spoke to niki. she tells me, that she is bored. i tell her that i'm having a bad day. in between, Will sends me a forward, regarding Murphy's law. suddenly i realize my ailment, and so niki tells me to write a post about it (this post is hence dedicated to you niki :-) )
i try, only to find my internet not working, and my eyes burning. at this point, i think i almost cried in misery.
thankfully my pain vanished, i could write again, and i tried writing this piece. and it took me another couple of hours getting it write (beg pardon, right. see how bad i feel!) and in the meanwhile, my eyes have started stinging again, my hand still aches, my nose is irritating, and threatening to run a marathon, and i am in no sort of physical condition to even sit up, let alone do anything else!
truly, murphy hates me.
*Hanlon's razor- another ancient adage which states - never attribute to malice, that which is adequately explained by stupidity. i think you can see the reference.
**i could have said present, but it was too tempting to say unabsent. allow a agonized soul his little pleasures, and overlook the grammatical error
***the post is called Tragedy thrills me, and can be found at - Tragedy Thrills me. do check it out.
PS- today, i have relied slightly on exaggeration, and on foot-notes. that, is part of my creative license. so there is little you can do to avoid it. cheers :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tragedy Thrills me
For a long time i have noticed that tragedy is the one thing that thrills me. whenever i am reading a book, i looks for the personal tragedies of the various characters. and if i do not find any character with a tragic part, then i no longer like it. here i wish to take a pause, and define what i mean by tragedy. when i say tragedy, i mean, that the character must suffer some great misfortune. the character must not ever be happy, right until the end of the story (and preferably not even then).
i love it when i read a character who is in pain. and even more than that, i love it when the pain is self-inflicted. when the character has done something stupid, and is now suffering the consequences. for example, recently i read a book, 'the black prism'. it involves the story of a man, who has imprisoned his own twin, to be king of the world. and, he is father of a child he refuses to claim as his own, for the sake of the woman he loves. now i havent read the whole thing yet, but insofar as i have, i enjoyed knowing of the poor king, who was being pulled in a thousand different directions, and quite literally torn apart from all the pulling!
in this manner, i suppose i really love reading Mr George R R Martin. because he is oh so kind to his characters. in the first book of his series 'A song of fire and ice', he introduced a noble family of 10. by the end of the book, the head of the family was dead, his brother missing in the wilderness, his eldest son fighting a war he did not understand, the man's basterd son looking for the missing brother, his next son, a cripple without legs, his elder daughter a prisoner, and the younger one fleeing from those who imprisoned her sister. his wife meanwhile is looking for some way to keep her family together, while the youngest child, a son of 5 years, is yet to come to terms with life, which is tragic enough as it is. oh and by the way, a great winter, which is somewhat like a mini-ice age is prophesized to come in soon. talk about tragic.
no offense to that great genre of writing, where great heroes took it upon themselves to rid the world off evil. those guys, chose to suffer, and well, they came out on top of it to triumph. and i love that kinda literature too. but the special corner of my heart goes out to the people who are just in plain misery.
yes i am a sadist, a narcissist, and i rely on other peoples misfortunes to make myself happy, and i do not shy from acknowledging it. but before anyone critisizes me for this, i'd like to ask a question. are you any different?
its a human trait, so lets not shy from it. lets be honest and acknowledge it. we all love a great comedy, but even more we love a great tragedy. there are countless soaps, that in India are popular only because they involve a matriarch who is always havign to fight to save the family. some of the most famous movies ever, were those in which the people always had problems. stepmom for example, involved the mother dying, and having to actually tell her kids to love the woman who had after a fashion stolen her husband. the most famous sitcom of the ninetis, FRIENDs, relied almost throughtout the series, on the ever-tragic love of Ross and Rachel (of course they made it a tragic comedy, which is something i approve of, for whatever my approval is worth).
almost everyone loves a good trgedy. its almost as if we dont want to hear a story where everyone is happy, and living a normal, uneventful, simple, easy, and HAPPY life. if thats the kind of story we are asked to read, we're most likely going to sleep off halfway through. if the main protagonist of the story does not have struggle, pain, and misfortune, i dont think anyone likes it.
in fact, i think the band TOOL summed it up nicely in their song VICARIOUS-
Eye on the TV
'cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavour
It happens to be like;
Killed by the husband
Drowned by the ocean
Shot by his own son
She used the poison in his tea
And kissed him goodbye
That's my kind of story
It's no fun 'til someone dies
Don't look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying
Why, oh why?
'cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all need it too, don't lie
Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
The writers of stories sold
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can't we just admit it?
Blood like rain come down
Drawn on grave and ground
Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmittal
Sing to the death rattle
La, la, la, la, la, la, la-lie
Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.
Pull your head on out your hippy haze and give a listen.
Shouldn't have to say it all again.
The universe is hostile. so Impersonal. devour to survive.
So it is. So it's always been.
We all feed on tragedy
It's like blood to a vampire
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I
well as they said, we just cant admit it, because that would make us all monsters. but we all like it, we all love it. we need to watch things die... well i for one, admit it. i need it. if that makes me a monster, so be it.
but does anyone else admit it? no. never. well atleast i can be the monster you want to critisize. i'm only human, and so i can even admit, that i'm glad you think me a monster. at least i got that out of you.
i love it when i read a character who is in pain. and even more than that, i love it when the pain is self-inflicted. when the character has done something stupid, and is now suffering the consequences. for example, recently i read a book, 'the black prism'. it involves the story of a man, who has imprisoned his own twin, to be king of the world. and, he is father of a child he refuses to claim as his own, for the sake of the woman he loves. now i havent read the whole thing yet, but insofar as i have, i enjoyed knowing of the poor king, who was being pulled in a thousand different directions, and quite literally torn apart from all the pulling!
in this manner, i suppose i really love reading Mr George R R Martin. because he is oh so kind to his characters. in the first book of his series 'A song of fire and ice', he introduced a noble family of 10. by the end of the book, the head of the family was dead, his brother missing in the wilderness, his eldest son fighting a war he did not understand, the man's basterd son looking for the missing brother, his next son, a cripple without legs, his elder daughter a prisoner, and the younger one fleeing from those who imprisoned her sister. his wife meanwhile is looking for some way to keep her family together, while the youngest child, a son of 5 years, is yet to come to terms with life, which is tragic enough as it is. oh and by the way, a great winter, which is somewhat like a mini-ice age is prophesized to come in soon. talk about tragic.
no offense to that great genre of writing, where great heroes took it upon themselves to rid the world off evil. those guys, chose to suffer, and well, they came out on top of it to triumph. and i love that kinda literature too. but the special corner of my heart goes out to the people who are just in plain misery.
yes i am a sadist, a narcissist, and i rely on other peoples misfortunes to make myself happy, and i do not shy from acknowledging it. but before anyone critisizes me for this, i'd like to ask a question. are you any different?
its a human trait, so lets not shy from it. lets be honest and acknowledge it. we all love a great comedy, but even more we love a great tragedy. there are countless soaps, that in India are popular only because they involve a matriarch who is always havign to fight to save the family. some of the most famous movies ever, were those in which the people always had problems. stepmom for example, involved the mother dying, and having to actually tell her kids to love the woman who had after a fashion stolen her husband. the most famous sitcom of the ninetis, FRIENDs, relied almost throughtout the series, on the ever-tragic love of Ross and Rachel (of course they made it a tragic comedy, which is something i approve of, for whatever my approval is worth).
almost everyone loves a good trgedy. its almost as if we dont want to hear a story where everyone is happy, and living a normal, uneventful, simple, easy, and HAPPY life. if thats the kind of story we are asked to read, we're most likely going to sleep off halfway through. if the main protagonist of the story does not have struggle, pain, and misfortune, i dont think anyone likes it.
in fact, i think the band TOOL summed it up nicely in their song VICARIOUS-
Eye on the TV
'cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavour
It happens to be like;
Killed by the husband
Drowned by the ocean
Shot by his own son
She used the poison in his tea
And kissed him goodbye
That's my kind of story
It's no fun 'til someone dies
Don't look at me like
I am a monster
Frown out your one face
But with the other
Stare like a junkie
Into the TV
Stare like a zombie
While the mother
Holds her child
Watches him die
Hands to the sky crying
Why, oh why?
'cause I need to watch things die
From a distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all need it too, don't lie
Why can't we just admit it?
Why can't we just admit it?
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
Neither the brave nor bold
The writers of stories sold
We won't give pause until the blood is flowing
I need to watch things die
From a good safe distance
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so
Why can't we just admit it?
Blood like rain come down
Drawn on grave and ground
Part vampire
Part warrior
Carnivore and voyeur
Stare at the transmittal
Sing to the death rattle
La, la, la, la, la, la, la-lie
Credulous at best, your desire to believe in angels in the hearts of men.
Pull your head on out your hippy haze and give a listen.
Shouldn't have to say it all again.
The universe is hostile. so Impersonal. devour to survive.
So it is. So it's always been.
We all feed on tragedy
It's like blood to a vampire
Vicariously I, live while the whole world dies
Much better you than I
well as they said, we just cant admit it, because that would make us all monsters. but we all like it, we all love it. we need to watch things die... well i for one, admit it. i need it. if that makes me a monster, so be it.
but does anyone else admit it? no. never. well atleast i can be the monster you want to critisize. i'm only human, and so i can even admit, that i'm glad you think me a monster. at least i got that out of you.
Monday, September 13, 2010
confessions of a moral policeman
i am a moral policeman. it is my deepest desire to throw my own rules of morality, steeped in hypocrisy, on the rest of civilization. this in itself, is a manifestation of my innermost being, which wants to control others, purely for the sadistic and narcissistic joy i get out of it. in other words, i desire the cheap thrill of calling you an indecent, immoral, sick human being, because i know that i am all of these, and you probably arent.
as a moral policeman, it shall be my right to,
1) watch skimpily clad girls, attain a cheap voyeuristic thrill, and then, in a really loud voice, criticize them, and their family, and their upbringing, until they are humiliated enough to bow before me, apologize, and leave me, feeling like a king.
2) go to the USA; while there, indulge in drinking till i puke, have babies i dont know about, contract three different types of addictions and STDs, get cured for them in a private rehab center, and then, upon my return to India, claim that the USA lacks culture, and anyone doing things that they do, is as good as a criminal, and is guilty of degrading my ancient civilizations morals, and cultural heritage, not to mention, degrading the future generations.
3) force woman to stay covered up, and as far as possible, stay at home. i shall never allow any female in my presence, to either be employed, or educated. moreover, i shall ensure that women are kept as down-trodden as possible, because i feel threatened by them]
4) claim that music channels that show 'item-songs' and other such videos, are destroying the culture, future,etc of my great nation. however, i shall not protest when a TV soap shows a) a man cheating on his wife and getting away with it, b) a man killing his brother for the inheritance sakes, and getting away with it, c)a woman(read 'vamp') dressing up like a 'slut', and flirting with ten men, destroying fifteen households, dishing out slander, abuse and insult for everybody etc, and getting away with it. i do not find these things immoral, indecent, or degrading to the values of society, as these things are shown on a TV channel in which i have a 30% stake, due to my vast amount of black money.
5) demand that globalization is destroying my society; call europeans, americans, and others (in fact everyone on whom i cant force my repulsive opinion) as worthless, indecent etc(well you know the adjectives i shall use, so use your imagination). in fact, i shall have the audacity to claim that everyone apart from me is a jackass, and wrong too.
6) force all unmarried people to consider everyone else as a sibling. how any of them would ever spawn children with such a mindset, is none of my business.
7) claim that sex, making out, being physical in any way at all, is amoral, and shouldnt be done. it is irrelevant that i have sex with five different woman ten times every week. and i neednt be worried about how the human race shall survive. i have enough sex to take care of that.
8) call anyone who doesnt think like me, a jackass.
9) say that reality tv is degrading etc(you know the list), because the reality shows have more trp than my own show (read point 4), and so are eating into my income.
further, as a moral policeman, it shall also be my duty to
1) Refer to religious texts as a source for my absurd, obnoxious and irrelevant statements. my knowledge and understanding of said text does not matter. neither does the real meaning or intention of said text. the only thing that matters, is how i choose to interpret said religious text.
2) Refer to the biographies of obscure politicians of the early 6 century (BC) as a source of my claims that certain activities would never have happened at a certain time.
3) incorrectly quote famous politicians and world leaders in my attempt to justify my statements.
4) imply that a famous personality who i have never met, nor even spoken to, is a famous believer of my moral vales. this kind of false advertisement, is the sort of thing i shall rely on for publicity.
5) misinterpret the statements of people who are now dead, as and when it furthers my obnoxious causes.
i am a moral policeman, and i am a moral policeman because i love to mind other peoples business and lives. i am also a control freak who only wishes to control the lives of everyone. i need to dominate people, otherwise i shall not be happy.
i am a moral poliecman, and i do not apologize for what i am.
if you are a moral policeman too, join the club, and we can share tips. if not, then i shall soon be forcing my own opinion on you, after calling you immoral, indecent, inappropriate, and so on and so forth; so run for your life.
I AM A MORAL POLICEMAN, so sue me.
(disclaimer- the opinions expressed in this article, are not necessarily the authors(that is to say my own) opinion,and he does not claim any responsibility for the above opinions. neither does he advertise them, or suggest them. he is only remarking on an aspect of humanity, and civilization, as far as you are concerned. his own opinion and views, are irrelevant.)
as a moral policeman, it shall be my right to,
1) watch skimpily clad girls, attain a cheap voyeuristic thrill, and then, in a really loud voice, criticize them, and their family, and their upbringing, until they are humiliated enough to bow before me, apologize, and leave me, feeling like a king.
2) go to the USA; while there, indulge in drinking till i puke, have babies i dont know about, contract three different types of addictions and STDs, get cured for them in a private rehab center, and then, upon my return to India, claim that the USA lacks culture, and anyone doing things that they do, is as good as a criminal, and is guilty of degrading my ancient civilizations morals, and cultural heritage, not to mention, degrading the future generations.
3) force woman to stay covered up, and as far as possible, stay at home. i shall never allow any female in my presence, to either be employed, or educated. moreover, i shall ensure that women are kept as down-trodden as possible, because i feel threatened by them]
4) claim that music channels that show 'item-songs' and other such videos, are destroying the culture, future,etc of my great nation. however, i shall not protest when a TV soap shows a) a man cheating on his wife and getting away with it, b) a man killing his brother for the inheritance sakes, and getting away with it, c)a woman(read 'vamp') dressing up like a 'slut', and flirting with ten men, destroying fifteen households, dishing out slander, abuse and insult for everybody etc, and getting away with it. i do not find these things immoral, indecent, or degrading to the values of society, as these things are shown on a TV channel in which i have a 30% stake, due to my vast amount of black money.
5) demand that globalization is destroying my society; call europeans, americans, and others (in fact everyone on whom i cant force my repulsive opinion) as worthless, indecent etc(well you know the adjectives i shall use, so use your imagination). in fact, i shall have the audacity to claim that everyone apart from me is a jackass, and wrong too.
6) force all unmarried people to consider everyone else as a sibling. how any of them would ever spawn children with such a mindset, is none of my business.
7) claim that sex, making out, being physical in any way at all, is amoral, and shouldnt be done. it is irrelevant that i have sex with five different woman ten times every week. and i neednt be worried about how the human race shall survive. i have enough sex to take care of that.
8) call anyone who doesnt think like me, a jackass.
9) say that reality tv is degrading etc(you know the list), because the reality shows have more trp than my own show (read point 4), and so are eating into my income.
further, as a moral policeman, it shall also be my duty to
1) Refer to religious texts as a source for my absurd, obnoxious and irrelevant statements. my knowledge and understanding of said text does not matter. neither does the real meaning or intention of said text. the only thing that matters, is how i choose to interpret said religious text.
2) Refer to the biographies of obscure politicians of the early 6 century (BC) as a source of my claims that certain activities would never have happened at a certain time.
3) incorrectly quote famous politicians and world leaders in my attempt to justify my statements.
4) imply that a famous personality who i have never met, nor even spoken to, is a famous believer of my moral vales. this kind of false advertisement, is the sort of thing i shall rely on for publicity.
5) misinterpret the statements of people who are now dead, as and when it furthers my obnoxious causes.
i am a moral policeman, and i am a moral policeman because i love to mind other peoples business and lives. i am also a control freak who only wishes to control the lives of everyone. i need to dominate people, otherwise i shall not be happy.
i am a moral poliecman, and i do not apologize for what i am.
if you are a moral policeman too, join the club, and we can share tips. if not, then i shall soon be forcing my own opinion on you, after calling you immoral, indecent, inappropriate, and so on and so forth; so run for your life.
I AM A MORAL POLICEMAN, so sue me.
(disclaimer- the opinions expressed in this article, are not necessarily the authors(that is to say my own) opinion,and he does not claim any responsibility for the above opinions. neither does he advertise them, or suggest them. he is only remarking on an aspect of humanity, and civilization, as far as you are concerned. his own opinion and views, are irrelevant.)
Friday, September 10, 2010
Cyber Stalking!
today, i would like to take a moment to apologize to anyone, who i have ever stalked on facebook (which is an extremely short list, consisting of three people i guess), and also to those who i have ever prank called at midnight, or those to whom i've sent random text messages from random numbers. to all these people, i apologize (this list is slightly more extensive).... now dont think i'm going all soft and all that.
the truth is that since yesterday evening, some human being (thats all i know about whoever this is), has been sending me random text messages, and whenever i ask them who they are they decline an answer. for all i know it could be little green aliens who've come to abduct me (ok maybe this is taking things a little too far). but this person, has been sending me random forwards, irrespective of threats, abuse, ridicule, and plain hatred even.
i tell this person to stop pissing me off, they send me another forward, advocating the virtues of friendship. i ask them to at least tell me how they know me, whether its a guy or a girl, and other such questions, and they reply by sending me a text saying, 'ok i'm busy now, so dont text me now, i'll talk to you in the evening'. i send another message saying, 'excuse me, but do me a favour, DO NOT text in the evening, leave me alone!!!', to which this person says, 'I'm busy i'll call you in the evening. bye'
WTF! what is this even about?! i mean why is this person driving me up the wall like this!
and to add insult to injury, this chap even knows my id, and has been leaving me messages to self in my inbox! thankfully i changed my password now, so am sort of safe (hopefully)!
even my remarkable wit is wasted on this person. sample, i ask them their name last night, so they ask me what i'll do with it... so i say, that i'm gonna put out an article in the times of india, mentioning this persons obsession for random stupidity. so they tell me thats a nice idea,and i should go ahead and do it, and use any name i feel like! what? was ? that ? even ? ever ? about?
on a serious note though, this person has shown me just what a pain in the neck it is to have someone play such a prank on you. the worst part is that they're professional, whoever they are. their only intention is to bug me, they havent even played the guessing game with me! this irksome individual has in fact only gone and wasted quite a bit of my time, and energy!
and so, i'd like to ask this person, who so ever it is, to tell me who they are. coz you've had your fun pal and now its painful.
i know, that it is probably a close friend who's playing this prank on me. they're doing it for fun. but its a bloody menace! so please save me from this trouble someone, and get me rid of this stalker!!!!
PS: i know its a stalker. they even left me pics of myself in my email id! jesus christ, save me!
the truth is that since yesterday evening, some human being (thats all i know about whoever this is), has been sending me random text messages, and whenever i ask them who they are they decline an answer. for all i know it could be little green aliens who've come to abduct me (ok maybe this is taking things a little too far). but this person, has been sending me random forwards, irrespective of threats, abuse, ridicule, and plain hatred even.
i tell this person to stop pissing me off, they send me another forward, advocating the virtues of friendship. i ask them to at least tell me how they know me, whether its a guy or a girl, and other such questions, and they reply by sending me a text saying, 'ok i'm busy now, so dont text me now, i'll talk to you in the evening'. i send another message saying, 'excuse me, but do me a favour, DO NOT text in the evening, leave me alone!!!', to which this person says, 'I'm busy i'll call you in the evening. bye'
WTF! what is this even about?! i mean why is this person driving me up the wall like this!
and to add insult to injury, this chap even knows my id, and has been leaving me messages to self in my inbox! thankfully i changed my password now, so am sort of safe (hopefully)!
even my remarkable wit is wasted on this person. sample, i ask them their name last night, so they ask me what i'll do with it... so i say, that i'm gonna put out an article in the times of india, mentioning this persons obsession for random stupidity. so they tell me thats a nice idea,and i should go ahead and do it, and use any name i feel like! what? was ? that ? even ? ever ? about?
on a serious note though, this person has shown me just what a pain in the neck it is to have someone play such a prank on you. the worst part is that they're professional, whoever they are. their only intention is to bug me, they havent even played the guessing game with me! this irksome individual has in fact only gone and wasted quite a bit of my time, and energy!
and so, i'd like to ask this person, who so ever it is, to tell me who they are. coz you've had your fun pal and now its painful.
i know, that it is probably a close friend who's playing this prank on me. they're doing it for fun. but its a bloody menace! so please save me from this trouble someone, and get me rid of this stalker!!!!
PS: i know its a stalker. they even left me pics of myself in my email id! jesus christ, save me!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Reverse Psychology
for quite a long time now, i've known of the benefits of reverse psychology. (for informations sake, it is defined as-The advocacy of one course of action in such a way as to persuade someone to take an opposite course. now dont go and expect me to explain that, look it up in a dictionary!)
getting back to the point, Reverse psychology, at least with me, has so far shown almost a 90% success rate. meaning, that 90%of the times i try out reverse psychology on anyone, it works.
take for example, my father. if i ever need anything, i dont ask him. he already expects me to ask him, and so is always prepared for that alley. instead, i tell him, that everyone wants something. and i tell him that its trivial, something that is probably not even useful. hence i wont even ask for it. besides, even if i asked for it, i wouldnt get it, and so on, i keep saying things like that until its absolutely imprinted in dad's mind that there is something, that i will not ask for, and that everyone's got. this makes him think that its something valuable, and necessary, and soon, i have that thing. and better yet, dad acts like he just got whatever it it as an experiment. for example, i got my cell phone in this way, when dad accidently bought another one just to try a new phone, and then gave it to me! cool eh!
then, there are times when i am someplace that i'm not supposed to be (like for example in a cafe, during the time that i'm supposed to be in class), doing something that i'm not supposed to (for example taking a girl to lunch, not that i've ever done that). so its the middle of the day, i'm supposed to be in class, and my dad, who's supposed to be at work calls. this means that he's checking up on me, because he does that occasionally. and so, he asks me what i'm upto. i pick my most innocent voice, and i tell him exactly what i'm upto. until the time that he had called, he was absolutely certain that that was exactly what i was upto. but when i say it like that, suddenly the doubt sparks in, and he's starting to wonder. this also works wonderfully. he never catches it.
and its not just my dad who falls for this. in fact, my mom is equally gullible. i can convince her to allow me to do almost any kind of crazy stunt i want to (ex: letting me go partying with my friends at odd hours, buy that new CD that i've wanted, and so on). she also falls for it most times.
and then, there are other people too. for example, there was this girl (just a friend), and Will, was supremely interested in her. and she wasnt particularly interested. and so i did my magic. i began talking to her, and told her why Will was the wrong guy, and why he was not to be dated, and so on. soon she fell for his charms!
Reverse psychology truly works, i've tried it, and i know. when we add peoples natural instinct to believe what they want to, to things like this, psychological tactics like these truly work! people are naturally disposed to believe things. and psychologists, know this. and they know just what everyone wants to believe. that is the only reason they are so successful, because they know what we want, and they know how to make it look like that is exactly what we're getting irrespective of reality. (this is why i say that psychologists have actually made it a respectable business to mind other peoples business, and in all ways, to manipulate other peoples lives!)
at the end of the day, there are certain things that we as humans are predisposed to believe, and to want. its almost as if we want to be made a fool of. and anybody who understands this one thing, can easily manipulate people. for such a person, people are like puppets. dangerous eh? (not the way i see it, though. but then, i'm different)
the best part is that i've told you, the magazine that thrives on conspiracy theories (and the one you're secretly fond of, dont deny it), tell you that this is the case. your own bloody sub-conscious tells you this. and yet there is nothing that can be done about it, by you, or me.
now this makes me get wicked ideas!
truly, the day people can find a cure for this, only then shall there be secrets! until then, there are only books to read with different scripts perhaps!
PS: this is not advisable however, and it can lead to lots of problems. for example, i was cutting class once, at a cafe, with friends, and my dad called. he asked me what i was upto, so i told him, and i added spice to it, and ended up saying that i was drinking, smoking, and getting wasted! the next thing i knew was the tight slap across my face! hence, i suggest that if you try this, try it only after lot of careful preparation, and yes, with extreme caution!
adios.
PPS: by the way, niki asked me whether i try such things, as manipulation on her. i looked at her, and said, in my sweetest voice, 'Of course not honey, i'd never do that to you.'
the devil within me is laughing. she fell for it. AGAIN!
oh boy, i love the little sadistic joys of life, sometimes!!!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Why i love to read, imagine, and write.
Statuary warning- this is neither funny, nor witty, nor in any way interesting... proceed at your own risk... this is only a self analysis, something i wanted to look into, the workings of my own brain... and, its a simple discourse on why i love to read, imagine, and write, even though i'm probably not a very good writer. if you're still interested, please go ahead and read it. otherwise, u might want to skip this .... that said, i shall continue.
Before i began writing, i began reading. i was somewhere around three or something i guess. at that time, of course my range of reading was limited to things like NODDY. eventually, i grew up a bit, and began reading all sorts of stories in english text-books, or comic books. then, as an eight year old, i was introduced to the world of Enid Blyton, and the famous five, and the secret seven. with them, began my love for adventure stories. by the time i was twelve, i had finished with Enid Blyton, and moved on to the Hardy Boys, which introduced me to detective fiction along with adventure.
then, i read English translations of the great Indian epics, the Mahabharata, and the Ramayana. these great epics introduced me to the concepts of good, evil, righteousness, justice, heroism, victory, defeat, and to a great extent, War. i began to lose my childish ideas of right and wrong, to discover necessity. i realized that the world wasnt black and white, but varying shades of grey. and i discovered that even the Gods were not always the best people to be around (as demonstrated by Krishna, in the Mahabharata).
i also read the Harry Potter series, and well need i say anything about it?
and then, on the Christmas after i turned fourteen, i was gifted three books, 'TheAlchemist'-Paolo Coelho, ' The Hunchback of Notre Dame'-victor hugo, and the greatest epic so far, 'The Lord of the Rings'-J.R.R.Tolkien.
The Alchemist, of course was something that instantly appealed to me, as an adventure story. and i wasnt left wanting for anything after i'd read it. Through the writing of Mr. Coelho, i experienced the struggles of Santiago, and i could feel myself going through those struggles. i could feel the wind on my face, when Santiago converted himself into the wind for the arab war camp. it was truly a great book, one i have read plenty of times again, and one i shall read another time, as and when the opportunity arises.
The hunchback of Notre Dame, was the first time that i read a book, with an average story, but powerful writing, and excellent dramatization. i dont recall either the story, or the concept, but i recall two scenes, one where Quasimodo stands on the top of the Notre Dame, and screams -'Sanctuary. Sanctuary', and another, the ending, where he dies, wrapped around the body of esmeralde. this was the first time, i saw writing skills making something worth my while.
and then there was 'The Lord of the Rings.' for three months, i was scared to even touch this gigantic monster of a book. eventually though, i plucked up the courage, and began reading, and there began a life long love with the fantasy genre. once i had started, i couldnt put it down. the story had connected a million ideas, and together combined them to make a story that has defined half my love life ever since. it had the story of the brave under-dog, who keeps fighting despite terrible odds. it had the story of the ancient hero, who was born to fight the darkness. it had the story of the good wizard, who was a warrior for the light. and it had a story of two beings from rival clans (Gimli and Legolas) thrown in together to find that they'd rather be friends anyway. there was a story of friendship, bravery, loyalty, nobility, love, heroism, war, peace, and a lot more things, that i cant even begin to go into, for lack of time. when i finally put down the book after three days of solid reading, i knew that i needed more of such writings.
then i read Paolini (Eragon). he continued on the virtues thrown by Mr Tolkien, and he took them to further reaches, in his own distinct style. i devoured his books, like a man dying of hunger would tear at bread.
after him came Stroud (the Bartimaeus trilogy). here i came across cheekiness, and humor, and sarcasm, and wit, not to mention charm. and carefully hidden satire. old bartimaeus challenged my faith in the hero who would give up his life for justice (at the end of the day the hero is still dead right). i understood a new side of writing, a side that involves humor, used to throw into sharp relief the other problems in life.
and then came the second greatest fictional epic i have ever read, The Wheel of Time series. this was a more standard epic feature with the smart hero, and the dark lord stereotype. and this had something fresh. the scheming, manipulating magicians, doing what they believe to be the best, irrespective of what others think.
this introduced me also, to the more standard fantasy fodder. through this series, i came across the master of the Fantasy genre, Brandon Sanderson, who has written, and keeps writing the most awesome books ever, including, the Mistborn series, Elantris, Warbreaker, The Way of Kings, and many more to come.
through all these books, i have come to understand such concepts as Heroism, good virtues, bad virtues, the things that a man may do out of necessity, the things that men keep doing out of greed, and well millions of other concepts.
and the sad part is that there just arent enough of these books, to fuel my voracious appetite.
and hence, in all these years, when i havent been reading,i've let my imagination run wild, with what could happen. i've asked myself, what if at this point, aragorn lost the battle? what if Rand did indeed go mad? what if Vin, after receiving the power, became just as idiotic as the lord Ruler before her. initially, i speculated upon the works of others.
eventually, i came up with stories of my own, that i intend to publish someday. and i came up with characters of my own, figments of my not so small imagination. i came up with strong characters, weak characters, bullies, hero's, and every other kind of character possible. and the best part, is that i control the lives of these characters. they live because i give them life. and i experience a part of my life, that i may never experience otherwise, vicariously through them. i shall never myself know the thrill of breaking into a castle to look at a princess, nor the fear of staring at a sword, at the certainty of death. but these characters that live through me, give me back these experiences. and that is why i love them, i love imagining their lives, and i love doing to their lives, what i cant to my own. and that is why i love to read about them, and i love to imagine about them, and i love to write about them. for i can live a million lives apart from my own through them.
perhaps i'm a deluded, idiotic fool, who doesnt want to live in the real world. its quite likely, that that is the case, but i know that as long as i can live in my own little world, with my stories, and my books, and my writing, i shall be happy. and with this knowledge, i can lie safe knowing that i shall experience, not only my own life, but through the lives of these others, the possibilities of a million other lives. if this makes me a crazy loon, so be it. at least i have satisfaction, something that is extremely rare in this world today...
Before i began writing, i began reading. i was somewhere around three or something i guess. at that time, of course my range of reading was limited to things like NODDY. eventually, i grew up a bit, and began reading all sorts of stories in english text-books, or comic books. then, as an eight year old, i was introduced to the world of Enid Blyton, and the famous five, and the secret seven. with them, began my love for adventure stories. by the time i was twelve, i had finished with Enid Blyton, and moved on to the Hardy Boys, which introduced me to detective fiction along with adventure.
then, i read English translations of the great Indian epics, the Mahabharata, and the Ramayana. these great epics introduced me to the concepts of good, evil, righteousness, justice, heroism, victory, defeat, and to a great extent, War. i began to lose my childish ideas of right and wrong, to discover necessity. i realized that the world wasnt black and white, but varying shades of grey. and i discovered that even the Gods were not always the best people to be around (as demonstrated by Krishna, in the Mahabharata).
i also read the Harry Potter series, and well need i say anything about it?
and then, on the Christmas after i turned fourteen, i was gifted three books, 'TheAlchemist'-Paolo Coelho, ' The Hunchback of Notre Dame'-victor hugo, and the greatest epic so far, 'The Lord of the Rings'-J.R.R.Tolkien.
The Alchemist, of course was something that instantly appealed to me, as an adventure story. and i wasnt left wanting for anything after i'd read it. Through the writing of Mr. Coelho, i experienced the struggles of Santiago, and i could feel myself going through those struggles. i could feel the wind on my face, when Santiago converted himself into the wind for the arab war camp. it was truly a great book, one i have read plenty of times again, and one i shall read another time, as and when the opportunity arises.
The hunchback of Notre Dame, was the first time that i read a book, with an average story, but powerful writing, and excellent dramatization. i dont recall either the story, or the concept, but i recall two scenes, one where Quasimodo stands on the top of the Notre Dame, and screams -'Sanctuary. Sanctuary', and another, the ending, where he dies, wrapped around the body of esmeralde. this was the first time, i saw writing skills making something worth my while.
and then there was 'The Lord of the Rings.' for three months, i was scared to even touch this gigantic monster of a book. eventually though, i plucked up the courage, and began reading, and there began a life long love with the fantasy genre. once i had started, i couldnt put it down. the story had connected a million ideas, and together combined them to make a story that has defined half my love life ever since. it had the story of the brave under-dog, who keeps fighting despite terrible odds. it had the story of the ancient hero, who was born to fight the darkness. it had the story of the good wizard, who was a warrior for the light. and it had a story of two beings from rival clans (Gimli and Legolas) thrown in together to find that they'd rather be friends anyway. there was a story of friendship, bravery, loyalty, nobility, love, heroism, war, peace, and a lot more things, that i cant even begin to go into, for lack of time. when i finally put down the book after three days of solid reading, i knew that i needed more of such writings.
then i read Paolini (Eragon). he continued on the virtues thrown by Mr Tolkien, and he took them to further reaches, in his own distinct style. i devoured his books, like a man dying of hunger would tear at bread.
after him came Stroud (the Bartimaeus trilogy). here i came across cheekiness, and humor, and sarcasm, and wit, not to mention charm. and carefully hidden satire. old bartimaeus challenged my faith in the hero who would give up his life for justice (at the end of the day the hero is still dead right). i understood a new side of writing, a side that involves humor, used to throw into sharp relief the other problems in life.
and then came the second greatest fictional epic i have ever read, The Wheel of Time series. this was a more standard epic feature with the smart hero, and the dark lord stereotype. and this had something fresh. the scheming, manipulating magicians, doing what they believe to be the best, irrespective of what others think.
this introduced me also, to the more standard fantasy fodder. through this series, i came across the master of the Fantasy genre, Brandon Sanderson, who has written, and keeps writing the most awesome books ever, including, the Mistborn series, Elantris, Warbreaker, The Way of Kings, and many more to come.
through all these books, i have come to understand such concepts as Heroism, good virtues, bad virtues, the things that a man may do out of necessity, the things that men keep doing out of greed, and well millions of other concepts.
and the sad part is that there just arent enough of these books, to fuel my voracious appetite.
and hence, in all these years, when i havent been reading,i've let my imagination run wild, with what could happen. i've asked myself, what if at this point, aragorn lost the battle? what if Rand did indeed go mad? what if Vin, after receiving the power, became just as idiotic as the lord Ruler before her. initially, i speculated upon the works of others.
eventually, i came up with stories of my own, that i intend to publish someday. and i came up with characters of my own, figments of my not so small imagination. i came up with strong characters, weak characters, bullies, hero's, and every other kind of character possible. and the best part, is that i control the lives of these characters. they live because i give them life. and i experience a part of my life, that i may never experience otherwise, vicariously through them. i shall never myself know the thrill of breaking into a castle to look at a princess, nor the fear of staring at a sword, at the certainty of death. but these characters that live through me, give me back these experiences. and that is why i love them, i love imagining their lives, and i love doing to their lives, what i cant to my own. and that is why i love to read about them, and i love to imagine about them, and i love to write about them. for i can live a million lives apart from my own through them.
perhaps i'm a deluded, idiotic fool, who doesnt want to live in the real world. its quite likely, that that is the case, but i know that as long as i can live in my own little world, with my stories, and my books, and my writing, i shall be happy. and with this knowledge, i can lie safe knowing that i shall experience, not only my own life, but through the lives of these others, the possibilities of a million other lives. if this makes me a crazy loon, so be it. at least i have satisfaction, something that is extremely rare in this world today...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
the chicken, the road, and the crossing.....
it is an often asked query- 'Why did the chicken cross the road?'
to say the least, it's an interesting question; a question with a million possible answers. and behind each of those answers, lies an in-depth understanding of the man who answered the question. in fact, i'd go so far to suggest, that one might even judge the character of a man, based on how he answers this question.
for example:
-Sir Isaac Newton, was a man devoted to physics, and would probably answer, 'A chicken at rest tends to stay at rest, a chicken at motion, tends to cross the road.' unsurprising answer honestly, though in all fairness, physicists still revere him, and not me, so such answers do work!
-Confucius, the great philosopher, and a man of infinite mystery, would probably have said- 'The real question here is whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road moved beneath it' after giving this answer, he would then proceed to spend several weeks in conversation with a chicken, at the end of which he would proclaim that he had understood something new about humans, through the example of the chicken. and we would still be trying to figure out what exactly he meant, so thank God he wasnt asked.
-George Bush jr, would probably say, 'We must take the chicken into custody, and find out if it has any nuclear weapons, and if not, we must find out what it knows about the nuclear weapons program in Iraq, and Afghanistan.' thankfully, he has been replaced by their current President, Mr Obama.
-the great yoga guru Baba Ramdev, would answer- 'This chicken has been practicing Yoga for six months now, and it does the pranayam daily. look at the improvement in its health.'
-an MBA graduate, will never answer the above question. instead, he/she shall take the chicken, give it six months solid advertisement, as 'THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD!', and then proceed to sell it for so much money, that you could feed a small african nation with it for six months.
-Robin Sharma, the wonderful author (Of 'The monk who sold his ferrari' fame), would again not provide an answer, but would proceed to write another best selling novel titled, yep you guessed it, 'The Chicken that crossed the Road'
-Cristiano Ronaldo, the great soccer player, might be bold enough to suggest, 'Because i kicked it across.'
-Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, might just be caught on tape telling an undercover journalist, 'Well i dont know why the chick (As in chick, not the baby chicken kind, but chick as in the female kind) crossed the road, but i know where i took her from there on out.'
-And while we're mentioning journalists, journalists would probably not answer at all, but would make it a 'Breaking News' and show it on your television for a few hours straight.
-Army officials in Kashmir/Pakistan occupied Kashmir/China occupied Kashmir might not hold their fire long enough to let the chicken cross the road, hence making the question irrelevant...
-Indian politician Mayawati (or Behenji as she is popularly known as), would first inquire as to the cast of the chicken, and then if it were a SC chicken, she would demand adequate compensation for the poor chicken that had to cross the road.
-MNS chief Raj Thackeray would ask around as to the state that the chicken originated from, and if it were not a Marathi, then he would proceed to demand that the chicken had exploited the Maharashtrians, by using the road, and as such the chicken would then be punished.
-Propagators of the 2012 apocalypse, might end up saying, 'it doesnt matter why it crossed the road. neither the chicken, nor the road shall exist after 21st december 2012.' whatever the fate of the rest of the world, these people really should die on that date!!!
well these are just a few examples to go on with, among others...
but do you notice one recurring theme among all these answers?
in none of these answers, is the chicken ever asked this question. in none of these situations, does the chicken give a damn.
and in none of these situations (perhaps excluding berlusconi, the over-sexed PM), does the person giving the answer give a damn either....
the only people who really give a shit, are the people who hear the answer. the only ones who understand a divine answer in any of these situations, is the perpetual common man.... the only one who will listen to these answers, and wonder as to what a great man it was who said this, is again the common man....
at the end of the day, its not the participants, the performers, the doers, that will give a second thought to this... its the spectators... like you.... like me (considering i actually spent enough time thinking about it, to write about it)...
but eventually, in the greater picture, the chicken never cares about why it crossed the road.... nor does anyone who is asked this question.... it is only we, the people, who find some divine meaning in the crossing of roads and the speculation as to the reasons for crossing....
the funny thing is, that even though i have now come to realize that in the long run, it doesnt matter, i still speculate, and wonder! and so i asked my friends Will and Niki....
Will had something wonderful to say to this, when i asked him why he thought the chicken had crossed the road... at that time, he knew that i was writing this piece. and he didnt know the contents of it.... his response was, 'so that i can read your bloody post, so now get on with it, why dont you?'
obviously Will isnt that concerned about chicken, unless they're on the menu for dinner in which case, he's suddenly very interested...
Niki, was even more unhelpful... she saw this, laughed, and then went on to compliment me about how funny i was... she then proceeded to suggest a few more answers, using her own remarkable wit....
in my desperation to find a final answer to this query, i asked swami, the paranoid know it all..... he had another interesting answer to give me. he said, 'Assume that you are the chicken. believe that you are the chicken. now cross the road, and ask yourself what you have achieved by crossing the road. that my friend shall be your answer.'
at this point, half mad with failure, i sought out God, and gave Him a call (yes i have his number), to ask Him this eternal query! the only thing i heard at the other end was a wonderful lady who said, 'This line is temporarily busy. please try again later.' (and just so you know that is what i hear whenever i call him, so dont bother asking me for the number, it is rarely if ever, available!)
eventually, i gave up on the issue....
much later, at an event where we were asked what our dream of the future was, i answered, 'I Dream of a better world my friends, a World, where a bloody chicken can cross a road without its motives being cross-examined by 5 billion people!'
well now thats one dream that aint coming true too soon.....
to say the least, it's an interesting question; a question with a million possible answers. and behind each of those answers, lies an in-depth understanding of the man who answered the question. in fact, i'd go so far to suggest, that one might even judge the character of a man, based on how he answers this question.
for example:
-Sir Isaac Newton, was a man devoted to physics, and would probably answer, 'A chicken at rest tends to stay at rest, a chicken at motion, tends to cross the road.' unsurprising answer honestly, though in all fairness, physicists still revere him, and not me, so such answers do work!
-Confucius, the great philosopher, and a man of infinite mystery, would probably have said- 'The real question here is whether the chicken crossed the road, or the road moved beneath it' after giving this answer, he would then proceed to spend several weeks in conversation with a chicken, at the end of which he would proclaim that he had understood something new about humans, through the example of the chicken. and we would still be trying to figure out what exactly he meant, so thank God he wasnt asked.
-George Bush jr, would probably say, 'We must take the chicken into custody, and find out if it has any nuclear weapons, and if not, we must find out what it knows about the nuclear weapons program in Iraq, and Afghanistan.' thankfully, he has been replaced by their current President, Mr Obama.
-the great yoga guru Baba Ramdev, would answer- 'This chicken has been practicing Yoga for six months now, and it does the pranayam daily. look at the improvement in its health.'
-an MBA graduate, will never answer the above question. instead, he/she shall take the chicken, give it six months solid advertisement, as 'THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD!', and then proceed to sell it for so much money, that you could feed a small african nation with it for six months.
-Robin Sharma, the wonderful author (Of 'The monk who sold his ferrari' fame), would again not provide an answer, but would proceed to write another best selling novel titled, yep you guessed it, 'The Chicken that crossed the Road'
-Cristiano Ronaldo, the great soccer player, might be bold enough to suggest, 'Because i kicked it across.'
-Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, might just be caught on tape telling an undercover journalist, 'Well i dont know why the chick (As in chick, not the baby chicken kind, but chick as in the female kind) crossed the road, but i know where i took her from there on out.'
-And while we're mentioning journalists, journalists would probably not answer at all, but would make it a 'Breaking News' and show it on your television for a few hours straight.
-Army officials in Kashmir/Pakistan occupied Kashmir/China occupied Kashmir might not hold their fire long enough to let the chicken cross the road, hence making the question irrelevant...
-Indian politician Mayawati (or Behenji as she is popularly known as), would first inquire as to the cast of the chicken, and then if it were a SC chicken, she would demand adequate compensation for the poor chicken that had to cross the road.
-MNS chief Raj Thackeray would ask around as to the state that the chicken originated from, and if it were not a Marathi, then he would proceed to demand that the chicken had exploited the Maharashtrians, by using the road, and as such the chicken would then be punished.
-Propagators of the 2012 apocalypse, might end up saying, 'it doesnt matter why it crossed the road. neither the chicken, nor the road shall exist after 21st december 2012.' whatever the fate of the rest of the world, these people really should die on that date!!!
well these are just a few examples to go on with, among others...
but do you notice one recurring theme among all these answers?
in none of these answers, is the chicken ever asked this question. in none of these situations, does the chicken give a damn.
and in none of these situations (perhaps excluding berlusconi, the over-sexed PM), does the person giving the answer give a damn either....
the only people who really give a shit, are the people who hear the answer. the only ones who understand a divine answer in any of these situations, is the perpetual common man.... the only one who will listen to these answers, and wonder as to what a great man it was who said this, is again the common man....
at the end of the day, its not the participants, the performers, the doers, that will give a second thought to this... its the spectators... like you.... like me (considering i actually spent enough time thinking about it, to write about it)...
but eventually, in the greater picture, the chicken never cares about why it crossed the road.... nor does anyone who is asked this question.... it is only we, the people, who find some divine meaning in the crossing of roads and the speculation as to the reasons for crossing....
the funny thing is, that even though i have now come to realize that in the long run, it doesnt matter, i still speculate, and wonder! and so i asked my friends Will and Niki....
Will had something wonderful to say to this, when i asked him why he thought the chicken had crossed the road... at that time, he knew that i was writing this piece. and he didnt know the contents of it.... his response was, 'so that i can read your bloody post, so now get on with it, why dont you?'
obviously Will isnt that concerned about chicken, unless they're on the menu for dinner in which case, he's suddenly very interested...
Niki, was even more unhelpful... she saw this, laughed, and then went on to compliment me about how funny i was... she then proceeded to suggest a few more answers, using her own remarkable wit....
in my desperation to find a final answer to this query, i asked swami, the paranoid know it all..... he had another interesting answer to give me. he said, 'Assume that you are the chicken. believe that you are the chicken. now cross the road, and ask yourself what you have achieved by crossing the road. that my friend shall be your answer.'
at this point, half mad with failure, i sought out God, and gave Him a call (yes i have his number), to ask Him this eternal query! the only thing i heard at the other end was a wonderful lady who said, 'This line is temporarily busy. please try again later.' (and just so you know that is what i hear whenever i call him, so dont bother asking me for the number, it is rarely if ever, available!)
eventually, i gave up on the issue....
much later, at an event where we were asked what our dream of the future was, i answered, 'I Dream of a better world my friends, a World, where a bloody chicken can cross a road without its motives being cross-examined by 5 billion people!'
well now thats one dream that aint coming true too soon.....
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